While membership is exclusive and the usesoap.com website is primarilly intended for members, the BMTG receives correspondence from around the globe. Covering a vast spectrum of humanity, the purpose of the letters are often to show appreciation for what the BMTG has done for them, while others ask for advice on a wide variety of issues. Due to popular demand, the BMTG has agreed to share some of these letters along with the BMTG response.
mr t | erik | sarah brezinsky | jiggs murphy
Dear BMTG...
Subject: A question and a grammatically inferior picture.
My question is simple and probably unnecessary, but I will ask and offer this picture as payment. What does BMTG stand for? As for the picture, it was taken at the muddy entrance of a driveway to a "prefabricated" home. Obviously, an attempt by the trailer queen to keep her window licking, helmet wearing demon offspring from being hit as they frolic in the middle of the road.
In Spewak We Trust
Me
Mr T,
At this time, the BMTG does not join you in your "In Spewak We Trust" mantra. We trust in Tyler. We would let this Spewak provide his opinion, but even then it would be with significant restrictions. Spewak is merely a working minion of Don & Mike, which means he is not a leader and the BMTG will not follow a follower.
The inclusion of the photo is appreciated by the BMTG. It is finely crafted and the lighting contributes nicely to the trailor park feel that can be so difficult to master. The multiple meanings of the sign just adds to its "it" factor, as it poses as an attempt to warn others to proceed with caution so they don't run over the "window licking" children, when in reality it is merely there to inform you that there are dim-witted children in the area.
As for your question, it would be beneficial for you to look through the BMTG Guide to Life to get a feel for what the BMTG stands for. In short, we believe that you have to give up, you have to realize that someday you will die, and until you know this, you are useless...BMTG Management
usesoap.com
Dear BMTG...
Subject: Fun with death
http://www.usesoap.com/deathlist/deathlist_rules.htm
Wow, I am actually really surprised that this game isn't sweeping the nation yet. Sounds like a hell of a game, nothing is better than hoping that your favorite celebrity dies in timely fashion. It would be a shame to see them live on any longer, let some of the younger guys have their shine. The catholics know how to play this game, the pope dies and then they elect another pre-historic being to take his place, they are trying to sneak two in by us by the july 2007 deadline. tricky bastards! Anyways, I would like to predict that Paul Newman dies (if he is not dead already). I just watched the film "slap shot" a couple nights ago and the man looked to be near death in the 70's, I give this cat until the end of the
summer 2005.signing off,
Erik
Erik,
Reading your email was a pleasure and your keen insight delightful. Like you, the BMTG is perplexed as to why Fun With Death hasn’t yet reached the popularity it deserves. FWD lets us focus on the more enjoyable side of death with the rare opportunity to win Iraqi Dinars. Even the hardened hearts of terrorists can be soothed when an old or ill celebrity passes on, leaving behind an impressive cache of death points.
While at first blush Paul Newman is an excellent prediction, his healthy lifestyle, smart food choices, and retirement from semi-competitive auto racing will unfortunately prolong his life. The BMTG is hoping to include him in FWD2 come July 2007; however, it is up to Mr. Newman to earn a spot on the list. The BMTG and many others would like to see Mr. Newman become an obese, diseased, crack addicted, crab fisherman, but he will most likely continue helping underprivileged children and eating well, unlike his chubby son, Randy Newman.
BMTG Management
usesoap.com
Dear BMTG...
You have posted a photograph on your website.
Re: "Open letter to the Boston Globe".
The digital photograph is owned by and copyrighted by me, and is currently being used on your website illegally.As you know, being someone who produces "intellectual property", violation of copyright law is no small issue.
I will allow you benefit of the doubt that whoever posted it, was ignorant of this fact, so you may either remove my photograph from your website within 24 hours, or contact me for usage fees.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Sarah Brezinsky
Sarah Brezinsky,
Despite the unnecessarily caustic tone you have chosen to use, the BMTG thanks you for calling to our attention the matter of the usage of your photograph of Miss G on her big day with the Red Sox trophy. While the BMTG feels that giving you a photo credit, as we had done, should be enough to satisfy your ego, we have honored your request to remove the photograph and have found a suitable replacement. Fortunately, you were not the only photographer on the scene that day and the BMTG has found an alternate means to
illustrate our page.The BMTG currently has funds available in its annual budget, and, even though we are currently in negotiations with illustrator Alonzo Starfish, we would like to give you the opportunity to make a proposal for the use of your photograph. We feel that your image of Miss G was finely crafted and well lighted. You handled the photgraphing of this unique
moment with a delicacy that is contrary to your seemingly confrontational nature.Therefore, the BMTG is hereby officially inquiring as to how much your usage fee is and what the fee entitles us to do. The BMTG has a myriad of creative ideas that we feel your photograph would be perfect for, with a special t-shirt promotion being first on the list.
Please find attached, in a gesture of good faith, a complimentary photograph of the BMTG's very own Throcksmorton. You are entitled to use this photograph free of charge, as long as you give the BMTG credit, along with a link to the usesoap.com website.
The BMTG is unable to wait an extended period of time for your answer, therefore, in honor of the Red Sox historic achievement, we give you 86 seconds from the receipt of this message to inform the BMTG of your fees.
BMTG Management
usesoap.com
Sarah Brezinsky,
Because you have not responded in the allotted time, the BMTG has decided to commission an illustration from one of the top West Coast illustrators around, Mr. Alonzo Starfish. While this may be discouraging, please know that the BMTG recognizes you as the premier retirement home photographer of your generation. Let us know if you are interested in purchasing the illustration by Mr. Starfish, which depicts an asexual character mulling over a wiffle ball trophy.
A sample has been included for your convenience.
BMTG Management
usesoap.com
Dear BMTG...
You have done the right thing by ceasing to violate international and US copyright law. Obviously you ARE aware of these strict regulations, but have chosen to ignore them.
I have enjoyed the opportunity to give you an update and primer, and consider this the end of the road for our stellar communications. do not contact me in the future.
I have no interest in any of your offers, and would not legitimize your banter with any offer of usage.
Sarah Brezinsky
Ms Luzinski,
Thank you for the primer on international and U.S. copyright laws. You have been more than generous with your precious time, and we are honored and delighted that you have stepped down from your high pedastal to educate us common folk. It is apparent that you possess a vast, encyclopedic knowledge that is just waiting to spew forth and shower us with enlightenment.
In fact, you have impressed us so much that we would like to list you as the offical BMTG Legal Expert (you can ask your geriatric friends for help if you happen to be on another hot story at the retirement home.)
Your website, hinghamdesign.com, is very impressive - it took at least two minutes before the BMTG Senior Council decided to switch back to usesoap.com.
The BMTG, and others who will remain anonymous, believe that you may have rushed to judgement in rejecting our generous offer. We would encourage you to reconsider our offer, as your endorsement would greatly legitimize our sometime stellar banter, at least among those who dabble in photography but are of limited artistic talents. In return we will send you ANOTHER photo of Throcksmorton sleeping, which you can use to double the number of interesting photos on your website.
We look forward to hearing from you soon, as this is, once again, a limited time offer.
BMTG Management
usesoap.com
Dear BMTG...
good luck finding a life worth living.
Miss Lubanski,
The BMTG would like to thank you for your last message. At first we thought we hit it right on the donut in figuring that you made a mistake and actually intended to send this message to yourself. Kind of like a perverse daily pep talk, where you put yourself down to remind yourself to rise above the muck that surrounds you. We were going to recommend that you find something more uplifting and positive to start your day with, but after reconsidering, we realize that you probably did intend your message for the BMTG.
You may be pleased to know that, after spending the last couple of weeks doing some serious soul searching, the BMTG has found that 99.8% of BMTG members have found lives worth living. The remaining .2% will be immediately placed in a rehab program. Anywhere that you find a BMTG member, you will find someone that is perfectly content and most likely having a grand time. It turns out that BMTGers have found not only lives worth living, but lives that are fulfilling.
You, however, present us with a paradox. On the one hand you seem to revel in how you have it all put together and you obviously have been very successful in your photographic endeavors, yet you seem extremely unhappy, often resorting to caustic and abrasive methods. Known as the place where you "come for the grooming tips, but stay for the highly therapeutic benefits," the BMTG can help you, if you would only open your mind.
Unfortunately, the BMTG has found it necessary to withdraw the previous offers, as it is clearly far more important that you get your emotional problems taken care of first. Once you have conquered the demons within, we can open up discussions again.
Now for the good news. Despite your rude, condescending and arrogant tone, Brother Nature has been very impressed with you. Brother Nature is kind, gentle, and a certified massage therapist. He also happens to be vegetarian, but has indicated that he would take the plunge back into the wonderous treasure chest of flavor that is meat if that is what it takes to impress you. If you are interested in contacting Brother Nature directly, then you should e-mail him at brothernature@usesoap.com.Thank you again for keeping us on our toes and reminding us that life is good.
BMTG Management
usesoap.com
Dear BMTG...
After reading and reflecting on your Transportation rules, I became concerned. What stance do you take concerning "shotgun," or calling the front seat? We all know that there are times in which the front seat is the best place to avoid talking, touching, or sitting next to the uninvited stoner who wants to blare his brand new Eminem CD he brought to play on the trip to Dodger stadium, when we all know that when within 15 miles, AM at a respectable level chosen by the driver, is the only accepted form of audio entertainment.
I guess I wondered the BMTG rules for Shotgun? Is it a universally and internationally accepted? Should we implement a rulebook for the glove box to settle all matters in question? After reading and agreeing with 94.4% of the BMTG rules, I wanted to persuade you and your writers to give us an official Shotgun rulebook endorsed by the BMTG syndicate. That way when in question, we as devotees of your web site can comply with your rulings and finalize any disputes or queries.
In addition could you please verify the act of calling a "Christian shotgun." Also known as voluntarily giving the front right (left in UK) passenger seat to the slow witted, dumbfounded entity who feels that it is unfair that the original calling individual knows the rules of Shotgun, abided by the rules of Shotgun, but still forgot to call it and have yet to feel the direct heat or AC from the front vents or want a rectangular window from which to gaze upon the forthcoming landscape. To me, it just doesn’t seem Christian to give away an earned right.
Thank You for any help,
Jiggs Murphy
Murph,
This is a question that Harriet Tubman herself struggled with when working on the Underground Railroad. Consequently, she became addicted to opium and was beaten to death at the Rolling Stones concert in Altamonte. The short answer is that there is no calling shotgun, Christian or otherwise, as the members of the BMTG already know their roles. When a person becomes a BMTG member, they are assigned a nickname, activity/event responsibilities, road trip seating position, and many other roles critical to the BMTG. Members of The BMTG must stick to their designated roles or risk a spin on the sanction wheel.
There is a Shotgun Exception List for non-members that may receive front seat privileges, if they are even allowed to join on a road trip. Currently, the Pope is the only member of the exception list. The Pope recently purchased a tracheotomy, which moves him to red alert status on the Fun With Death game, making the BMTG very interested in his activities. If the Pope is unable to perform Shotgunner duties, or if his tracheotomy is interfering with the driver, he will be relegated to the backseat.
General seating position roles on road trips:
"Sleeper" - A person who falls asleep on short beverage trips despite being well rested. Sleepers will always be assigned a backseat. It should be noted that on the rare occasion that Sleepers do get in the front, they enjoy disturbing others who are trying to sleep. Sleepers are also unreliable drivers and navigators as they tend to have short black outs.
"Pollster" - A person who looks for a group consensus on most decisions. Pollsters tend to ask everyone's opinion on everything regardless of level of importance, or interest, before making a decision. Pollsters will remain in the backseat as the optimal shotgunner has a perfect balance of firm decision making and folding to peer pressure. Ironically, as a backseater the pollsters have no vote at all and are often told to keep quiet.
"Newbies" - New members of the BMTG always get in the backseat. They are considered new until 50% or more of the current BMTG members cannot remember the year and month they joined the BMTG (usually 6-months).
While the BMTG was previously unfamiliar with the term Christian Shotgun, the act itself is very familiar. In Nazi Germany, calling for the motorcycle sidecar, after another Nazi had already called it, was known as the Fuhrer's Carriage.
Due to the BMTG's predetermined role assignments this is rarely an issue. On occasion, an exception will be made if:
The change is initiated by the assigned Shotgunner due to illness, fatigue, or death.
- or -
The backseater has overwhelming evidence that they can add a significant short-term value (directions to destination, money for the drive-thru or for parking). Complaining about the temperature of the backseat area will not be acknowledged.
- or -
The requester is the current Pope in his current state of health. Future Popes will need to pass a BMTG Pope health test before they can be adequately trusted with front seat responsibilities. The Pope must be willing to remove his Pope hat upon request.
