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Festival #40 (Festival XL)

Friday, January 23, 2004
Hosted by: Papa Mick's Ukrainian Party House

Movies:
The Human Tornado (1976)
Street Heat - classic footage from the year 2000
Top of the Pops - A Very Special Christmas
Super Bowl 22 - Denver vs. Washington in San Diego

Quotes:
"Not too good, guys in the orange uniforms."
     Dan Dierdorf, Super Bowl 22

"Say what? They're all going to work. They still don't give a damn."
     Keith Jackson, regarding the fans in Beijing, China, Super Bowl 22

Sanction Served:

For finishing behind the dummy team in BMTG Football 2003, Rainman served his sanction in true Sexologist style. The scene at Bel Air went something like this:

Scene: Grocery store pharmacy. Rainman, dressed in business attire, approaches Pharmacy Lady.

Rainman (speaking to Pharmacy Lady): "Can you tell me where to find the prophylactics?"

Pharmacy Lady (cheerfully): "Sure, they are over in aisle 7."

Rainman: "Can you tell me where the nearest adult video store is?"

Pharmacy Lady frowns and shakes head no.

Rainman: "Because I was kind of looking for something with animals gone wild or John Ritter."

Pharmacy Lady frowns even more unapprovingly. Rainman exits scene.

Movie Review:

The Human Tornado
Review by The Diesel

Dolemite delivers a heavy dose of black-fu, angry rhymes, and man-ass in this classic about a brother being wrongfully hassled for a little jungle love. Squeezing his spongy fro into a denim beret, along with a matching denim jumpsuit, Dolemite not only beat down the man, he looked good doing it. During the opening credits, Dolemite runs through a series of complicated original karate moves that leave no doubt as to why they call him the Human Tornado. Dolemite uses these moves, along with his patented gurgling, to kill off his enemies and save the ladies of the Queen Bee. Despite delivering rapid-fire beatings to anyone in his way, Dolemite’s speech is slow and deliberate as though he had a severe stroke. The other characters, including a bald Ernie Hudson (disguised in the credits as Louis Hudson) never call attention to Dolemite’s speech impediment as they patiently listen to his rhyming battle plans. Dolemite is obviously proud of his man ass and shows it several times, even once in slow motion. When angered, Dolemite resorts to displaying his passion through short and powerful rhymes that promise to cripple his foes and wreak havoc. In an apparent shout-out to Fellini, several nonsensical scenes are marbled within the movie. A man walks into a restroom that is being used by an older woman, and proceeds to urinate in the sink beside her. Fellini himself would have been envious of such a scene and would have anointed it ”Bellissima!” sheer perfection.

Questions:

1. In light of the recent admission by Mr. Pete Rose that he did indeed bet on his own team while managing, do you want to change your stance on his admission to the Hall of Fame?

Previous stance was:

Masten Yes, but his face should not be on the plaque, and he can have no dealings with any major league team, or have anything to do with the minor leagues. Would also be agreeable to a post-mortem induction.
Congo Yes, with an asterisk leading to a plaque commemorating the ban.
Rainman No.
Archie He should be inducted after his death.

Updated stance is:

Diesel Insist on post-mortem induction.
Congo No change.
Rainman Still no, in lieu of Rose in, Bart Giamatti should get in instead. (This statement is to be punctuated with a fist pump)
Archie He should be inducted after his death AND his son's death.

2. What percentage of boxing matches are fixed and is Dung King a part of it?

Diesel 57%, no on Dung King
Congo 10%, yes he is.
Rainman 12%, Dung King is definitely involved.
Archie 73%, Don King is involved.

The answer is actually 54%, according to Sunny Select Ginger Ale.

3. What should the Recording Industry of America do about the downloading of music?

Diesel Give incentives to buy CDs (concert discount, etc.) Don't worry about downloads.
Congo Buy out big sites and shut them down, then start own service.
Rainman Legalize file sharing, give artists bigger share of profits, lower CD price.
Archie Don't worry about downloads, start own service at reasonable price, guarantee clean files. Two keys are a low price (should not charge per song, but per month) and a guarantee that the songs downloaded are premium quality.

4. What is your favorite "reality" show on television, if any?

Diesel Surreal Life
Congo Survivor Australia (featuring Amber)
Rainman My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Archie Man vs. Beast

5. The government wants to test a computerized aviation security system that uses personal information about passengers from commercial databases and watch lists. What do you feel is the best approach to adequate airline security?

Diesel Better immigration control INTO the United States.
Congo Forget political correctness, be more thorough on x-ray conveyor belts.
Rainman Look at flying as a priviledge, not a right. Security should be same exact way Isreal does it. There should be National Guard check after check after check after check.
Archie Use common sense and remove all political correctness.

6. The NFL All-Star game, known as the Pro Bowl happens after the Super Bowl and many players bow out for various reasons. Should the NFL change its annual Pro Bowl, and if so, how?

Diesel Both AFC and NFC all stars play college all stars. Location should be in a state that has at least one team - places like old, gritty Cleveland Municipal Stadium.
Congo AFC vs NFC winner hosts Super Bowl the following season.
Rainman Pro Bowl should be 3 weeks after the Super Bowl, with a major concert after (like Leo Sayer, Gary Wright, John Caferty Beaver Brown Band). In week 9 everyone gets a bye - so there would be no bye weeks, but no one would play in week 9.
Archie Battle of the All-Stars a la 1970's television competitions.

7. Who will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl 22?

Diesel Lionel Ritchie
Congo Diana Ross
Rainman Paula Abdul
Archie Whitney Houston
Actual Herb Alpert

 

Darts:

Rules - Any punk ass chair shot is a re-do in any round.

Game 1
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Congo
26
66
104 Bust
2nd
Archie
15
94
147 Bust
4th
Diesel
27
35
99
1st
Rainman
41
45
134 Bust
3rd

Game 2
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Diesel
6
20
52
3rd
Congo
38
69
87
2nd
Rainman
17
55
102 Bust
4th
Archie
25
60
89
1st

Game 3
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Archie
61
90
124 Bust
3rd
Congo
56
94
149 Bust
4th
Diesel
55
81
111 Bust
2nd
Rainman
27
45
74
1st

Game 4
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Rainman
28
58
84
1st
Diesel
83
121
146 Bust
4th
Archie
34
70
133 Bust
3rd
Congo
37
57
125 Bust
2nd

Game 5
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Rainman
19
42
129 Bust
3rd
Congo
15
56
86
1st
Archie
47
70
134 Bust
4th
Diesel
21
75
101 Bust
2nd

Game 6
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Congo
70
108
145 Bust
2nd (tie)
Diesel
33
50
71
1st
Rainman
44
145
177 Bust
4th
Archie
21
54
145 Bust
2nd (tie)

Game 7
(Century, closest to 100 without going over after 3 rounds)
Player
Round
Finish
1
2
3
Diesel
26
37
76
3rd
Archie
40
89
111 Bust
4th
Congo
23
45
96
1st
Rainman
32
82
90
2nd

Player Number of times finished:
Points*
Times
Busted
1st
2nd
3rd
4th
Congo
2
4
0
1
14
4
Diesel
2
2
2
1
12
3
Rainman
2
1
2
2
10
4
Archie
1
1
2
3
7
6

*Points are determined by scoring 3 points for finishing first, 2 points for second, 1 point for third

Reading #1:

By The Diesel - Movie reviews for Fight Club and American Psycho from the 2002 Leonard Maltin Movie Guide. Fight Club received 2 stars, American Psycho received 1 and a half stars. The reviews prompted the proclamation: Leonard Maltin is considered gay by the BMTG.

Reading #2:

By The Diesel - David Letterman Top Ten List:

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Get Off My Chest Now That I'm in the Baseball Hall of Fame
(As presented by Paul Moliter and Dennis Eckersley)

10. "Once after I hit a grand slam I kissed the umpire on the mouth"

9. "In case there's any confusion, when I die, please don't freeze me"

8. "On July 17, 1984, I told the manager I pulled a hamstring and I went to see 'Ghostbusters'"

7. "Thank God I was never a Devil Ray"

6. "I joined a gym so I can continue to shower with men"

5. "Forget all that stuff during contract negotiations -- I was seriously, seriously overpaid"

4. "I traded my 1993 World Series ring for two front row tickets to a Jethro Tull concert"

3. "Once a guy made a joke about the mustache so I beat him to death with a Fungo Bat"

2. "During difficult times in my life I rebroadcast or retransmitted games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball"

1. "Earlier today, I married Britney Spears"

Reading #3:

By Archie - Excerpt from Pete Rose book, the following disturbing and tasteless quote regarding Ted Williams:

"It was so cold in Boston the other night that Ted Williams threw out the first pitch. That is why I want to be frozen when I die. Because if that sumbitch gets thawed out and comes back to play baseball, I'm coming back to get one more hit than Ted."

Worst Shot in BMTG Street Heat History:

March, 2000: Down 16 to 15, Aunt Bea misses easy layup at end of epic 3 on 3 battle. Cousin Carl goes on to win the game for the other team.

Bob Barker Rules:

Bob Barker rules (closest without going over) shall be in place from this day forward, unless expressly stated otherwise.

Official BMTG Band:

Krokus (Smelly Nelly, Long Stick Goes Boom, Headhunter)

Official BMTG Cover Band:

The Cardigans (Iron Man, Mr. Crowley, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath)

Open Letters Needed To:

Dr. Oka Sazaki (regarding propaganda from Barbara Boxer)

Memphis Grizzlies Basketball Organization (regarding obscene halftime displays featuring gay men in blue tights and mascots mimicking beastiality)