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Festival #45

Friday, July 16, 2004
Hosted by: Papa Swede

Movies:
R.O.T.O.R. (1989)
Mister Scarface (1976)
Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a. Jack-o (1995)
Running of the Bulls, Scissor Sisters, David Lee Roth and the Boston Pops, and other miscellaneous Ahchie television musings

Xbox:
Shrek
Nascar Thunder 2004
Turok
Mech Assault

Quotes:
"A brain without a heart, a conscience without recognition, a will without a soul."
     Captain Coldyron, R.O.T.O.R.

"I'm like a cemetary, I'll take anybody."
     Man-chick with a gray mohawk, R.O.T.O.R.

"I'll make more noise than two skeltons making love in a tin coffin."
     Captain Coldyron, R.O.T.O.R.

"Look at you, you look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole."
     Captain Coldyron, R.O.T.O.R.

Movie Reviews:

Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a. Jack-o
Review by Ahchie

Dismissed as just bad, criticized for not being on the same level as Halloween, put down for being a poor-man’s combination of Freddy Krueger and Pumpkinhead, Jack-o has not been given its just due – until now. The BMTG has always recognized Jack-o for what it is, however, and has voted it as the number five film in the Top Ten “B” List. Obviously made very quickly with very little budget, Jack-o has that certain quality that the BMTG looks for. It is not something that can be easily described, but this film shares qualities that you will find in other fine classics such as Ticks and Troll 2. As with many BMTG classics, the best moments of Jack-o come in the first half when the legend of Jack-o and the characters are introduced. After that, one doesn’t really care what happens as the story behind the legend of Jack-o turns out to be rather uninteresting, but the film remains entertaining throughout nonetheless.

The story itself begins with the legend of Jack-o as told by Simms (Bernie Fidello) while sitting around a campfire with the boy hero of the film, Sean Kelly (Ryan Latshaw). This scene is played perfectly by Fidello and is considered by the BMTG to be one of the all time best movie introductions. Unfortunately this movie appears to be Fidello’s only work on either film or television. In fact, for the majority of the cast this movie is their only film credit, including most of the main characters. While it is painfully obvious they had never acted before, there is also a sense of loss knowing that Jack-o would be the beginning and ending of their fifteen minutes of fame.

While Simms introduces the legend, there is no explanation for what relation he is to the boy and why they are out in the woods alone, although it is assumed that he is a type of uncle-figure to the boy. It turns out Simms is just some older guy in the neigborhood who decided to go carve pumpkins in the woods with young Sean while telling him scary stories. Thankfully there is not even the slightest hint of impropriety, as this movie was made before news came out about the real life Jacko and his Neverland sleepovers.

Soon we are introduced to the mysterious Vivian Machen, who the neighborhood views suspiciously but the Kelly family welcomes like a long lost family member. While a bully is picking on Sean and his girl, Vivian drives up in her car, prompting the three kids to “hide” next to a nearby bush. The bully plays tough by throwing some small rocks that land harmlessly in front of the car's tires while explaining that in the old days they used to stone witches. Sean stands up for what is right and Vivian breaks up the ensuing “fight.” Sean shows off his don’t talk to stranger skills by refusing to get in the car, but allows Vivian to walk him home after she reveals that she already knows his name. Back at Sean’s house, Vivian quickly warms up to Sean’s father, David Kelly, by offering to help with his charity scare house. Not long after, she is invited for dinner and becomes a fixture in the house. Sean’s mother, Linda Kelly, does not seem too comfortable with the new arrangement, but plays along anyway. To show her disapproval, Linda’s eyes constantly bug out until anything happens, then they bug out even more.

Although he appears to be just an average, mildly out of shape, thirty or forty-something, David Kelly seems to be a hit with the ladies. There is no rational reason for it, but there is a general feeling that the ladies flirt with him wherever he goes. He seems oblivious to it, except for the extreme come-on of the baby sitter (Linnea Quigley) who compares him to a little boy and then suggestively says how much she likes little boys. When Sean asks if he can check out the sitter’s sister’s boyfriend’s motorcycle, David, while undressing the baby sitter with his eyes, slyly tells Sean that he can look but not touch.

There doesn’t even appear to be a genuine need for the baby sitter, as both parents are home. The explanation is so that they can operate the scare house in the garage, even though one of the parents always seemed to be available. It appeared they spent very little time in the scare house, and even if they did, the garage was conveniently located close to the house if young Sean needed anything. While the baby sitter did take Sean trick or treating, the real purpose of introducing the baby sitter was for the all-important fairly standard shower scene that took place when Sean’s mother called to ask her to baby sit. Having the baby sitter also allowed for the introduction of the wild sister and accompanying Andrew Dice Clay look-alike rebel boyfriend.

The Pumpkin Man himself is unleashed when a trio of drunken youths wandering the woods looking for graves unwittingly removes a giant wooden cross from Jack-o’s grave. The killings begin as Jack-o rampages through town seeking revenge against anyone who gets in the way as well as the ancestors of anyone with the last name of Kelly. Throughout the movie we are given flashbacks to the story behind the Machen and Kelly families, culminating in a showdown at the end. Sean, the boy who is easily scared by anything on late night television, finds the strength to fight back in an epic battle between good and evil.

The worst part of the movie is the negative, stereotyped, and overplayed portrayal of the conservative, religious couple. The bit was intended to be funny and that is where it went wrong. The rest of the film attempts to deliver a scary story with no budget and bad acting (a good combination), but this supposed comic relief starts to drag it down the tired road of purposely being bad in order to be funny (which almost never works). The brevity of the scenes is what saves them from ruining an otherwise classic effort from director Steve Latshaw.

The film also features a posthumous appearance by the legendary John Carradine.

Mister Scarface
Review by The Diesel

Jack Palance's role as a mildly scarred Italian mobster is exaggerated and uninspired. Palance's lipless gaunt face is prominently featured on the DVD cover but that is misleading as he is underutilized in this film. Believe It or Not, Palance mismanages his ATM balance and writes a bad check to cover a gambling debt at a rival gang's gambling shack, which can be best described as an Old West crackhouse. The gang leader is upset about the bounced check but is fearful of asking breathless Jack for the cash, as he is easily agitated.

The central character is a young man who is trying to make his way up the ranks as a legitimate businessman. The kid normally scurries about town in his dune buggy, sporting worn out jeans and a Yanni concert shirt, while effortlessly busting heads to collect overdue protection money. While he likes to look at the ladies, his voyeurism is always brief, as he has his eye on the prize and it takes cash to keep the dune buggy rolling in top form. The kid ingeniously conjures up a bait and switch plan to take the money back from Mr. Scarface that would have Danny Ocean taking notes. After stealing back the funds, the kid is pursued by Mr. Scarface as well as his own boss because he stole more money than was owed.

The kid platonically, or so it seems, hooks up with a another fella, who at first appears to only serve as the obligatory white, blonde-haired American. Blondie was also kicked out of the gang the same day as the kid for some minor youthful indiscretion. Eventually, Blondie proves himself worthy by killing cartloads of Dagos with reckless abandon (it takes five Dagos to fill a wagon). This over-dubbed story has limited appeal and quality b-movie moments are few even if your standard for quality is on its lowest setting. If you like overdubbed movies in which many of the 20 characters share the same voice and the translation of dialogue is at times confusing, then this should be in your collection. While this movie may have paved the way for Al Pacino's Scarface, it is with good reason that these movies are polar opposites of each other. Seeing Pacino storm into a garage and shout, "Say hello to my little dune buggy" doesn't play as well in Miami as it does in Rome.

R.O.T.O.R.
Review by The Diesel

R.O.T.O.R. - Robotic Officer of Tactical Operations Research.

It is rare that I endorse a movie without Robert Pine with a double-thumbs up; however, I hoist my mangled thumbs towards the heavens for R.O.T.O.R. without reservation. This movie forces you to realize how our lives are so subservient to technology and that when it fails our lives can be irreversibly damaged. Milli Vanilli encountered a small technological glitch some time back that damaged their lives, "Girl you know it's, Girl you know, Girl you know, Girl you know…". I even read about an obese man who was taking care of business (TCB) at an automatic flush toilet and had his spincter dislodged and a meter of colon pulled out. Every few years it's a robot cop who blows a fuse and rampages about the city hurting human folk. R.O.T.O.R. is such a story.

R.O.T.O.R. is the acronym for a cop robot built by a tough straightforward human cop, Captain Coldyron, who now must shut down his flawed creation. Long drawn out scenes of Captain Coldyron riding his horse, getting ready for work, extraordinarily bad dialogue, and Captain Coldyron sporting huge Blue Blockers, make R.O.T.O.R. the Citizen Kane of the mustached robot cop genre. Captain Coldyron raises the stakes when he refuses to compromise his efforts and informs his corrupt boss, "I'll make more noise than two skeletons making love in a tin coffin," then promptly makes a career change.

As with most rampaging robot flicks, an improbable power surge to the robot causes it to misinterpret his objectives and deliver Death Wish style justice. A young, soon to be married, couple is arguing as they drive along the freeway, when R.O.T.O.R spots a minor infraction and starts his pursuit. The driver, frustrated that his fiancée does agree with him, yells at her, "Look at you, you look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole." R.O.T.O.R has seen enough and promptly pulls the guy over and blasts his brains out. The newly single white female (NSWF) frantically drives the car through the desert for the next hour as she is pursued by the battery powered cop.

Captain Coldyron gets involved and decides that the only way to save the world, or at least a small county in Texas, is to destroy R.O.T.O.R. Along the way, he picks up a female scientist who resembles a young Bea Arthur with a Tony Little type physique. During a philosophical robot rant, Captain Coldyron gives his definition of R.O.T.O.R. as, "A brain without a heart, a conscience without recognition, a will without a soul." As much as I wanted to believe that robots are cool, Captain Coldyron was exactly right. The NSWF is chased by the R.O.T.O.R., but since he can inexplicably replay video of an area shot 20 minutes before he even arrives, it's just a matter of time before he gets her.

NSWF continues to get away until Captain Coldyron and the Bea Little scientist do some hand to hand with R.O.T.O.R. Sadly, Bea Little is killed just before Captain Coldyron is able to string up R.O.T.O.R. with some explosive twine and send…it… straight…. to… hell!!! We can remember Bea Little by her memorable line, "I'm like a cemetery, I'll take anybody," but it's easier to just recall her 80's perm with a skunk streak down the center. While most of their attributes cancel each other out, two distinctive features raise R.O.T.O.R. above the popular Robocop:

  1. Sensory Recall - If R.O.T.O.R. is not around he can simply pull up video and play it back to see what happened while he was away.
  2. No Shoes, No Shirts, No Problem - After R.O.T.O.R. easily beats down two barfly's, he then kills a muscle covered, professionally mulleted, patron who had menacingly ripped off his thin tank top and ill advisedly challenged R.O.T.O.R.

In the final scene the Bea Little character returns and is frighteningly identified as R.O.T.O.R II. Since the original R.O.T.O.R. closely resembled Jeff Foxworthy, you can ask yourself a few simple questions to determine if you are a R.O.T.O.R. and the real you is dead:

Questions:

1. What is the last book you read and/or the current book you are reading?

Diesel Into the Camera by Ted Koppel, current: Execution (book on management)
Brother Nature Deepak Chopra book
Throcksmorton Bright Lights, Big City
Ahchie The Stand by Stephen King, current: Misery by Stephen King

2. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?

Diesel The Day After Tomorrow
Brother Nature Newest Harry Potter (2nd feature in drive-in, 1st was Strawberry Shortcake)
Throcksmorton Anchorman
Ahchie Troy

3. What is the last movie you rented or purchased?

Diesel Tales from the Boneyard (not a porno)
Brother Nature The Abyss
Throcksmorton Seven Hour Extreme (7 hour porno, 23 scenes)
Ahchie Haunted Mansion (Eddie Murphy)

4. Do you consider Muhammad Ali an American hero?

Diesel No
Brother Nature No
Throcksmorton Yes and No
Ahchie No, not by a long shot. He is the American anti-hero.

5. Who would you fight - president?

Diesel Howard "Pear Body" Taft
Brother Nature Bush, Sr.
Throcksmorton FDR (wheelchair bound)
Ahchie James K. "Mama's Boy" Polk

Preferences:

Plain M&M's or Peanut M&M's
The Diesel Plain
Brother Nature Plain
Throcksmorton Plain
Ahchie Peanut
Apples or Oranges
The Diesel Oranges by far, apples give me the craps
Brother Nature Oranges
Throcksmorton Oranges
Ahchie Apples
Arthur Fonzerelli or Vinnie Barbarino
The Diesel Barbarino
Brother Nature Fonzerelli
Throcksmorton Fonzerelli
Ahchie Fonzerelli
Sweet or Sour
The Diesel Sweet
Brother Nature Sweet
Throcksmorton Sour
Ahchie Sweet
American League or National League
The Diesel American
Brother Nature American
Throcksmorton National
Ahchie American
Washington or Lincoln
The Diesel Lincoln, don't like the powdered wigs
Brother Nature Lincoln
Throcksmorton Washington
Ahchie Lincoln
Ice Cream or Cake
The Diesel Cake
Brother Nature Cake
Throcksmorton Ice Cream
Ahchie Ice Cream
Clemens or Piazza
The Diesel Piazza
Brother Nature Clemens
Throcksmorton Clemens
Ahchie Piazza
Boxers or Briefs
The Diesel Boxers
Brother Nature Boxers
Throcksmorton Boxers
Ahchie Briefs
Sunrise or Sunset
The Diesel Sunset
Brother Nature Sunset
Throcksmorton Sunset
Ahchie Sunset