The Presidents | The Celebrities | The Athletes
The Diesel vs. William Howard "Pear Body" Taft
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Howard Taft, like Wilford Brimley, is plagued with health problems.
Fine on the diabetes front, Taft suffers from obesity and severe obstructive
sleep apnea. Unable to count on a good night's sleep, Taft is always tired,
mentally and physically. Like Throcksmorton, Pear Body Taft's greatest desire
is to sleep. Unlike Throcksmorton, however, he is unable to enjoy that singular
pleasure. The Diesel, on the other hand, remains healthy with the one glaring
problem - bad knees whose ligaments are ready to tear if provoked.
While the Diesel has the advantage, anything can happen, and Taft will need to throw his frame "Running of the Bulls" style at the Diesel at the earliest opportunity. If he can knock the Diesel off balance, he may be able to do some damage. The initial charge is the key to Taft having any success, as he will have a hard time gathering up the energy for a second. Due to Taft's health issues that leave him sapped of energy and stamina, this should be a routine and entertaining victory for the Diesel.
Advantage: Diesel
Tale of the Tape | William
Howard Taft Bio & Inagural Address
Ahchie vs. James K. "Mama's Boy" Polk
Pre-Fight Analysis:
James
K. Polk was an expert on avoiding injury while shaking hands. Polk described
his technique by saying that a man should "shake and not be shaken, grip
and not be gripped, taking care always to squeeze the hand of his adversary
as hard as he squeezed him.... I could generally anticipate when I was to
have a strong grip, and that when I observed a strong man approaching I generally
took advantage of him by being a little quicker than he was and seizing him
by the tips of his fingers, giving him a hearty shake, and thus preventing
him from getting a full grip upon me."
Being clever in avoiding a strong grip may help Polk a little, but Ahchie
will not be coming to this fight to shake hands. Ahchie will be waiting to
unload an entire case of Cold Turkey on the one they call "Mama's Boy."
Polk relies on his quickness, but Ahchie will be able to match him step for
step. Matched evenly in height and reach, Ahchie will have the advantage in
strength. Polk thinks he is tricky enough to outwit his opponents, but when
he fails, his only backup plan is to run away. Ahchie will need to be patient,
and when he see his opportunity must strike swiftly and with no mercy.
Advantage: Ahchie
Tale of the Tape | James
K. Polk Bio & Inagural Address
Throcksmorton vs. Franklin D. Roosevelt
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Throcksmorton has a way with choosing to fight the handicapped. Suffering
from polio and bound to a wheel chair, Franklin Roosevelt has endured a seemingly
endless list of additional ailments, including high blood pressure, systolic
hypertension, anemia from bleeding hemorrhoids, severe headaches, anorexia,
and digestive problems. Used to commanding armies to do his fighting for him,
Roosevelt is in no condition to fight for himself. Throcksmorton is hampered
by poor endurance and a tendency to lose interest in the task at hand, but
that should not be a factor in this mismatch.
In his prime, Roosevelt would have made this a good fight and would have
tried to teach Throcksmorton a few things about fear itself. But in his weakened
condition, FDR will just not be able to do much of anything against any opponent
and this fight should go down in infamy.
Advantage: Throcksmorton
Tale of the Tape | Franklin
D. Roosevelt Bio & Speeches
Brother Nature vs. George Herbert Walker Bush
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Brother
Nature has got himself a handful with this matchup. George Bush may appear
to be on the weak side, but that is a dangerous misconception. Bush has shown
that he is one tough hombre through the years. While serving as a Naval Aviator
in World War II, Bush's plane was downed twice by Japanese antiaircraft fire
during his 58 combat missions. On the second occasion, he struck his head
on the tail of the airplane as a result of being ejected from the plane, sustaining
a deep gash in his forehead. In his later years, Bush has overcome atrial
fibrillation and Graves disease. All these experiences have only served to
strengthen him.
The advantage that Brother Nature has is age. The elder Bush has maintained a healthy lifestyle and regularly jogs to keep up his endurance, but age will still be a factor in this bout. Brother Nature will want to drag this fight out and will need to resist the urge to complain when Bush refuses to go quietly. As with any Brother Nature fight, the hair will be a factor, though it is unknown which pugilist will use it to his advantage.
Bush has a huge advantage in height and reach. His vast experience in dealing
with a variety of obstacles throughout his life will give him a further advantage
that should put him over the top. George Bush may not have been born in Texas,
but he has the makeup of a Texan, and as we all know, you don't mess with
Texas.
Advantage: Bush
Tale of the Tape | George
H.W. Bush Bio & Inagural Address
The Diesel vs. Wilford Brimley
Pre-Fight Analysis:
The Diesel needs to strike early and strike often. Early on, Diesel will probably
pull Brimley's shirt over his head (like a good old fashioned hockey fight)
and pummel his swollen rock hard belly as he flails about blinded by his own
flannel shirt. Brimley has a low center of gravity and weighs a lot so he
could be hard to bring down. The Diesel will have a huge reach advantage,
but may have a tendency to wear out trying to knock him over (weebles wobble,
but they don’t fall down). Brimley is stubborn enough to not give up,
but eventually the diabetes factor could come into play and Brimley will fold.
Brimley probably doesn’t have enough power to do significant damage
on the offensive end, while Diesel should have the power it will take to do
the job. Brimley’s only hope may be to somehow muster enough speed to
dodge the flurry of blows and get Diesel chasing him, in the hope that Diesel
turns the wrong way too quickly on his bad knee and re-tears the ligaments.
The problem with that strategy, however, is that, although Diesel lacks mobility
and quickness, Brimley just does not have the speed to dodge much of anything.
Advantage: Diesel
Tale of the Tape | Wilford
Brimley Bio & Filmography
Ahchie vs. Dick Van Dyke
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Tall and lanky, Van Dyke needs to use his height and reach advantage to keep
Ahchie away and strike blows to his face. Van Dyke is ambidextrous and has
a fairly good arsenal of punches from both hands, but his power is questionable.
Weighing about the same, Van Dyke will probably not be able to push Ahchie
around up close, so he will want to avoid going toe-to-toe, and instead use
his nimbleness to make Ahchie chase him. Van Dyke will need to be careful,
though, as at times he can be quick and agile, but other times he can be clumsy
and trip over himself. If Van Dyke does trip himself up, Ahchie must immediately
charge in like a bull going for the kill and strike him when he is off-balance.
Ahchie needs to avoid the long reach and just go for the gut. Van Dyke’s
body is like a tooth-pick and could be weakened with blows to the midsection.
Van Dyke is a bit of a pacifist, so Ahchie's initial attack is critical, as
he will want to show Van Dyke no mercy. Ahchie is a southpaw, which can always
cause problems to fighters not ready for it. An admitted alcoholic, Van Dyke
will need to show up to this fight sober.
Advantage: Van Dyke
Tale of the Tape | Dick
Van Dyke Bio & Filmography
Rainman vs. Floyd the Barber
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Rainman
has significant size advantage in what, on paper, is the most lopsided matchup
of the four celebrity fights. Floyd’s left side is completely paralyzed,
so he will have to hope he lands a lucky punch with his right. Rainman needs
to stay interested long enough to finish Floyd off. Floyd won’t feel
pain from any blows to his left side, but will be easy to knock down. Rainman
has a bad ticker, low endurance, and a tendency to fall asleep, all of which
could lead to a major upset if Floyd can somehow manage to connect with a
few well placed uppercuts.
Advantage: Rainman*
* Any victory by Rainman in this fight comes with an asterisk since Floyd
the Barber is handicapped.
Tale of the Tape | Floyd
the Barber Bio & Filmography
The Flying Hippie (aka Congo) vs. Tattoo
Pre-Fight Analysis:
The Flying Hippie will have an obvious advantage in height and reach, so he
will have to use that to keep Tattoo at bay. Tattoo has a tendency to try
to be a hit with the ladies, so The Flying Hippie will want to distract him
by placing some scantily clad women in the crowd. If Tattoo lets his defenses
down, the Hippie could get some good shots in. Tattoo’s strategy will
have to be to use his quickness to get in close and pummel the groin region
before being called for low blows. Then Tattoo needs to go for the easily
cracked ribs. Hair could also be a factor on both sides – The Flying
Hippie can use his hair as a two-fold weapon: as a whip and as an obstruction
in his opponent’s eyes, while Tattoo can get a hold of a chunk and pull
him down. Tattoo will get penalized for foul play, but as long as he is not
disqualified because of it, he can do a lot of damage. If The Flying Hippie
spends too much time complaining about the foul play instead of fighting,
he will leave himself open for even more damage.
Advantage: Even
Tale of the Tape | Tattoo
Bio & Filmography
The Diesel vs. Willie Shoemaker
Pre-Fight Analysis:
At first glance, this fight would seem like a huge mismatch, but Shoemaker
should not be underestimated. While Diesel will have the big advantage in
size, Shoemaker will have a big advantage in speed. The Diesel will need to
use his reach to keep Willie away. He will need to feed him a steady diet
of shots to the face and maintain his focus. Shoemaker will need to avoid
the long reach and use his speed to avoid blows and wear Diesel out. Shoemaker
may try to run around and jump on Diesel’s back – which could
mean trouble for The Diesel. Despite his tiny size and advanced age, Shoemaker
is very strong and can take a lot of punishment. This will be no walk in the
park for Diesel because of Shoemaker’s speed, so he cannot take Willie
for granted. In the end, though, Diesel should be able to knock Shoemaker
out simply by methodically pounding away and maintaining focus.
Advantage: Diesel
Tale of the Tape | Willie
Shoemaker Bio
Ahchie vs. Muhammed Ali (Present Condition)
Pre-Fight Analysis:
While
Ali may still have the size advantage, this fight looks to be over as soon
as Ahchie decides to end it. Ali will only be able to manage a half a swing
every couple of minutes, and those half swings will be too feeble and slow
to have any effect even in the off chance that one connected. Ahchie will
be able to do anything he wants in this fight, including toying with Ali like
Ali used to toy with opponents when he was in his prime. Ahchie will be able
to predict which round Ali goes down and then make it happen.
Advantage: Ahchie
Tale of the Tape | Muhammed
Ali Bio and Fight Record
Rainman vs. Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini (Post "Who's the
Boss" appearances)
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Although Mancini has not boxed professionally since 1992, he has maintained
his health and conditioning. Mancini brings a wealth of experience and boxing
knowledge, in addition to the fact that he once inflicted so much punishment
to one fighter that the man later died of the blows he received in the ring.
Known more for his offense than defense, Mancini looks to make this a quick
fight. Rainman will have to get street-wise to survive and pull out any and
all dirty street fight techniques to throw the more experienced Mancini off.
Rainman has a large size advantage, as Mancini is used to fighting in the
lightweight class, but Rainman's endurance is always in question.
Advantage: Mancini
Tale of the Tape | Ray
Mancini Bio, Filmography and Fight Record
The Flying Hippie vs. Jim Fixx
Pre-Fight Analysis:
Although
he likes to project himself as a model of perfect health, Jim Fixx has a notoriously
bad ticker, a notoriously bad diet, and spent many years smoking. Fighting
is a whole lot different than running, and Fixx figures to be in trouble.
Fixx’s running experience should give him some endurance, but he has
not shown that he can take a punch, and his heart can give out at any given
moment. The Flying Hippie should have plenty of endurance, but must protect
his easily cracked ribs. If he can avoid cracked ribs and twisted ankles,
The Flying Hippie should be able to handle the older and not quite physically
fit Fixx. As with any Flying Hippie fight, the hair could be a critical factor.
While many factors point to a Flying Hippie advantage, there are two keys
that may tip the balance to Fixx winning this fight. First, Fixx has a significant
size advantage, weighing at least 50 pounds more than the Hippie, and second,
Fixx has a solid gold knockout punch that has been honed since childhood,
which came as a response from being bullied as a kid. Thanks to the childhood
bullies, Jim Fixx comes to this fight prepared for anything the Flying Hippie
can dish out. If the Flying Hippie has done his homework, of which there is
a 17% chance, he will force an extended fight (no rounds or time limits) that
includes a high energy startup followed by the Fixx Achilles heal, the Cool
Down.
Advantage: Fixx by a hair
Tale of the Tape | Jim
Fixx Bio
