July 31, 2006: An Open Letter to the Bend Elks Baseball Club
Bend Elks Baseball Club
P.O. Box 9009
Bend, OR 97708
On July 21st and July 22nd, 2006, several members of the BMTG attended three games of the Bend Elks home series versus Spokane. The games were exciting and the overall experience enjoyable.
While it is preferable that the half price bar-b-que start before the first out of the bottom of the ninth inning, this letter’s primary purpose is to address the concerns the BMTG has with Homer, the Bend Elks mascot. Homer’s performance during all three games was lackluster at best, and his interaction with the crowd nearly non-existent. Homer would often shuffle from one section of the stadium to the other, making only minimal effort to build a relationship with those in attendance. When asked to participate in a photo or wave to a child, Homer was accommodating, but noticeably unenthusiastic. Even though the temperature in Bend was warmer than usual, that alone is not sufficient excuse for such uninspired performance, especially when the Lava Cave, which is at a constant 42 degrees, is close by and relatively inexpensive. Even closer is the Beer Garden, which, while it may not be an appropriate image for Homer to convey, it would at least be a livelier image than what he did convey.
To make matters worse, Homer lightly touched the shoulder of the BMTG’s Bend Host, who was in the refreshment line. While it isn’t believed that Homer’s shoulder molestation was meant to arouse or coerce our host into unsavory activities, it was unsolicited and therefore inappropriate. The host simply ignored the groping and returned back to his order of business, which was staring blankly at the short list of menu items at the refreshment booth until it was his turn to order his beverage.
Fortunately for all parties involved, there were no markings on his body to speak of in spite of Homer’s large size and presumed strength. Because of these incidents, however, the BMTG would like to see the following steps take place before attending another Bend Elks game:
1. Homer should be given a clear metric in which his “mascotability” can be measured. The BMTG believes that appropriate metrics would include:
• Handshake count (10:1 ratio - 500 in attendance=50 handshakes)
• Wave count (5:1 ratio)
• Mingle time (4 minutes per full inning)2. Homer should refrain from engaging in promiscuous relations with the fans, especially on Senior and/or Minor night, unless clearly asked by that fan to do so. If the fan were of appropriate age and of sound mind, a brief encounter with Homer, in a discreet location within Vince Genna Stadium, would be appropriate.
Until the appropriate steps are taken the BMTG shall invoke the following sanctions:
• Homer is banned from participating in any BMTG sanctioned events. Naturally, this includes regularly scheduled festivals and Thursday Night Wiffle Ball.
• When voting for the top mascots in baseball (all levels of play), it will be noted that Homer is among those mascots that have been blackballed and is not to be considered. Essentially, Homer will be considered the equivalent to Pete Rose and his futile attempts to get inducted into the Hall Of Fame.
Naturally, Homer may file an appeal at a cost of $3.00 if she disagrees with this decision. See the BMTG’s website at usesoap.com for instructions on how to file and how long until her appeal is denied. Remember that the BMTG are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, and we guard you while you sleep, and we dance if we want to.
Sincerely,
(SIGNED BY THE BMTG BIG FOUR)