February 21, 2004: An Open Letter to Mike Ditka
February 21, 2004
Mike Ditka
C/O Mike Ditka's Restaurant
100 E. Chestnut St.
Tremont Hotel, Near North
Chicago, IL 60611-6036
Dear Mr. Ditka,
The BMTG sends you this open letter to voice its displeasure with your compensated
participation in a commercial hyping Levitra during Super Bowl XXXVIII. Except
for the unrealistically horny housewives, your commercial had zero comedic
value, which is a BMTG SuperBowl commercial rating requirement. Zardoz himself
would object to your mischaracterization of football versus baseball, as football
is merely a game played by “brutals.” Remember Mike, the penis
is evil.
While your product may prove beneficial to some small segment of the populace, such as adult film actors, chronic masterbators, and jailhouse Romeo's, all looking for a weeklong hard-on, your commercial was simply a thinly veiled deterrence to Michael’s sister - Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty. For, as your army of limp membered deviants were looking to score some "Digglers", the rest of us, disillusioned by your involvement with such a humorless commerical, were deprived of Janet’s unleashed breast, which, as our own resident Sexologist would say, is a natural cure for Erectile Dysfunction.
Your commercial reminded the BMTG that your lumbering thespian skills have always had an awkward humor about them that have made members of the BMTG feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, with your latest installment, you fell from merely buffoonish to pathetically loathsome and buffoonish in the eyes of the BMTG. It should be noted that your “Ditka Ogilvie Home Perm” didn’t help matters any.
Until further notice, of which there will be none, you are hereby banned
from participating in any BMTG sanctioned events. Naturally, you may file
an appeal at a cost of $3.00 if you disagree with this decision. See the website
for instructions on how to file and how long until your appeal is denied.
Sincerely,
(SIGNED BY THE BMTG BIG FOUR)