February 25, 2006: An Open Letter to Keith Richards
February 16, 2006
Keith Richards c/o
Virgin Records America, Inc.
338 Foothill Road
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
It has come to the attention of the BMTG that you were disappointed and angered when you found that you fell off of a popular top 50 death list. While the exact list you were removed from is unknown, it should please you to know that you have been on the BMTG Fun with Death game since the origination of the game in July of 2004. The current game is set to run through July of 2007. You may also be interested to know that your Death Probability Rating (DPR) is only 25%. The DPR is a measure of the BMTG’s confidence level regarding the death of members of the Fun with Death list. Of the eighteen 25 percenters, only one, Johnny Carson, has died. Since the list began, only seven of the 50 have died, so your chances of making it to the next list are considered very good. Additionally, the BMTG Fun with Death game is the only known death list that features a winner take all prize of Iraqi dinars.
Unlike most death lists, the BMTG Fun with Death game does not come out with a new list every year and then stock that list with those most likely to die. One of the more prominent lists, the one started in 1987 in a university bar, put Lou Rawls at the top of their 2006 list just a month after he announced he had brain and lung cancer. This same list has four who are 100 years old or more, and an astounding 18 who are in their 90s, including the recently deceased 96 year old Grandpa Munster. More than half of the 2005 version of the list featured people 90 or older. The BMTG recognizes that it is easy to find celebrities and well known figures on the brink of death, so we choose instead to populate our list with a wide range of names, representing a wide range of ages.
Surprisingly, however, the BMTG can find no evidence of you ever being on the list that was referenced in the news article that reported you were upset being removed from. The article says you were on the list for a decade, yet looking through the archive going all the way back to its origination in 1987, you were never on their list in any year.
Regardless of which list you were removed from, the BMTG has decided that, in the likely event that you are still alive by the end of July 2007, you will be placed on the next three-year list. And, as long as you are still living, you will be placed on every subsequent list. Also, as a goodwill gesture, the BMTG extends to you the invitation to participate in the ever popular BMTG Tuesday Night Wiffle. The next season will be starting in April and, due to your busy schedule, the expectation to bring six brand new wiffle balls will be waived. Complete rules and codes of conduct are available on the BMTG usesoap.com website, but, unlike how your bandmate Mick was treated at SuperBowl XL, rest assured you are free to speak your mind and you will not be subject to censorship. It is also highly recommended that you bring your own game time beverage and $1.39 for your post-game 64-ounce fountain drink. If the rest of your band is willing and able, the BMTG would like to challenge you and your mates to what would promise to be a spirited four on four game of wiffle. If health concerns prevent you from participating in a game, you are welcome to keep score and provide between-game entertainment.
Sincerely,
(SIGNED BY THE BMTG BIG FOUR)
CC
Death List
Emma Cox, Deputy TV Editor, Online Sun