nails | sideburns | scarred
face
Nails
In order to maintain a professional appearance, all fingernails and toenails
must be groomed and cleaned on a regular basis. While fads are cyclical, such
as the "coke nail" of the 1980's, they are seldom long lasting and
often lead to embarrassing situations. Owning a coke nail, or a soiled unkempt
nail on any finger, is the cause of many uncomfortable moments.
A few examples include:
- When making a valiant attempt at humor, you recite the famous "one
million dollars" quote from the original Austin Powers movie with a
coke nail placed against your lips. Laughter will quickly dim as all eyes
and thoughts will focus on the elongated nail.
- Scratching a person as you meet them for the first time by simply shaking
hands. A scratch that spills blood can ruin any business deal.
- A victim's skin under your nail is sure to alert the authorities that
you are a prime suspect. The most forgotten tool in a criminal's handbag
is a set of nail clippers.
- Pointing to a critical section of a document only to be forced to ad-lib
"As you can see I worked on the car this weekend and fingers got a
little dirty, anyway....". This excuse is seldom believed and calls
into question your overall hygiene and trustworthiness.
Awkward moments such as these have taken place millions of times over thousands
of years. One famous example of the negative effects of poor nail care, is
when John Adams was selected after Ben Franklin in a NFL style draft. Adams
had the physical build and youth to overtake the aging, slow footed Franklin.
The difference was the fudgy nails and the fact that when he mentioned he
was working on his car over the weekend everyone knew he was lying. The following
is an effective approach towards maintaining well-groomed nails that are sure
to please your friends, coworkers, lovers, and yourself.
- Cut nails on a regular basis. Every two weeks is a good base to start
with. Depending on your nail metabolism, you may want to increase or decrease
the time in between grooming to maintain that fresh appearance.
- Cut your nails in the shower. While cutting them outside on the lawn does
provide valuable nutrients to the soil, the shower has a few advantages.
First the nail is simply washed away with all of other micro debris and
odors that your body has accumulated throughout the day. Secondly, you are
able to immediately wash the undernail and therefore wash it more effectively.
This benefit should be emphasized, as the grunge under the nail is soft
and moist for only 11-19 minutes, depending on your regional climate, body
circulation, and cholesterol levels. Lastly, after you cut your nails you
can lather your body and hair, as you would normally do, with the extra
benefit of a professional nail cleaning.
- Leave an extra nail clipper at your work or in your car. Occasionally,
you will notice a nail that has outgrown the others and needs to be cut
immediately. Holding off on the cutting will likely lead to forgetting the
rogue nail which ultimately leads to an embarrassing situation. Little is
known why nails have irregular growth spurts but they do. Don't fool yourself
into thinking that it won't happen to you.
Everyone has a clipping biorhythm. The clipping biorhythm, is the internal
clock that triggers your brain that it's time to look at your nails. More
often than not, you will be surprised at how fast they grew, although you
can't really recall with any acceptable level of accuracy when the last clipping
was. Remember that nails are the like clean forks at a dinner party, nobody
notices them unless they get a filthy one, and hopefully, like a dirty nail,
they haven't yet put it in their mouth.
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Sideburns
by Bruce
I can advise you on the sideburns. I have grown a rather nice and handsome
pair myself and have much experience to draw from. Sideburns are a good
choice. With them you command dignity, respect and prestige. Without them
you are nothing.
Be careful to shave in the mirror so that you can closely monitor their
length and angle of termination. I prefer to angle them a bit downward.
But that's only my choice. You can angle them any way you want to. Keep
in mind that there's a murky line between tasteful sideburns and cheap tacky
sideburns.
A good sideburn has the following qualities:
- Does not exceed the length of the earlobe. Preferably the sideburn should
not go down past the little rubbery flap that protects the ear canal.
- Must be kept trimmed so that it does not become too bushy. Nothing is
worse than a big fluffy sideburn.
- Once you have grown your sideburns and observed the above common-sense
rules of sideburn etiquette you'll be ready to expand your new style if
you wish to. Goatees (sp?) offer a very nice complimentary look to the sideburn.
Cologne also serves to augment the sideburn ensemble, preferably something
with boyish charm that sparks the olfactory senses. Don't quickly discount
handlebar mustaches. They have potential.
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Scarred
Face
BMTG suggestions for dealing with a scarred face:
- Pretend you are on your way to a BMTG Movie Festival.
- Wear a Phantom of the Opera Mask.
- Wear a hockey mask.
- Have someone film you walking down the street terrifying everyone, then
show it at the next festival.
- Go to the hospital and tell them you want them to perform the "FaceOff"
procedure and you want to know who's face is available.
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