| Language Guide |
unacceptable spelling of common words
| forbidden terms & expressions
recommendations for emphasis | pronunciations
| phrases | definitions
When asked what a Language Guide usage means after you have properly applied the usage in a conversation, the appropriate response is, "Is this a test, sir?" (the "sir" is optional). This phrase is preferred by Junior Members.
Unacceptable
Spellings of Common Words
Written usage of these words in the non-BMTG standard will result in a
spin on the Sanction Wheel.
Business - Should be spelled "Biz-nasty" as in "Let's get down to biz-nasty, darn it."
Ciao - Use of this word should be strictly limited. If used, it should be spelled "Choww", so as not to be confused with the eatin' chow.
Debacle
- Should be spelled "DeeBawcooL" or "DBL".
Epitome - Should be spelled "Eepituh-me"
Foreskin - Should be spelled "Foskin" and should be pronounced with a Boston accent (the "fo" should sound like "faw".)
Genre - Should be spelled “Johnra”
L'eggs
- When referring to the hosiery
giant, should be spelled "Leggz."
School - Should be spelled "Skool."
Segue - Should be spelled "Seggway". The double "g" should be used as it is used in "Leggz hosiery," so as not to be confused with the Segway Human Transporter.
Subtle - Should be spelled “Suttel.”
Tongue - Should be spelled “Tung.”
Wednesday - Should be spelled “Whenz-day.”
Whiffle
- Correct spelling is "Wiffle." The "h" is only used when
Dan Patrick seductively says "....the whiff".
Forbidden
Terms and Expressions
Written or verbal usage of these phrases will result in a spin on the
Sanction Wheel.
"New and Improved" - Banned because these two terms are exclusive of the other. Something can be either new OR improved, but it can't be both. If it is new, then there was not a first; if there was not a first, then it can not be improved. In other words, if Fun George meets Work George, both will cease to exist.
The
ONLY exception is the Borgnine Exception, which is named after Ernest Borgnine,
who continues to baffle science and reason. The Borgnine Exception can attach
itself to any rule and become part of it, allowing the rule to stand, while
at the same time making considerations for the Borg.
For example, some may argue that if Ernest Borgnine were cast as Spiderman in Spiderman 4, he would not only be a new Spiderman, but an improved Spiderman. At the same time he could be said to be the rare combination of being old and new at the same time. However, going back to the original reasoning, Borgnine would still not be considered a new Spiderman. It would be possible for him to be an improved Spiderman, but not new, as the first Spiderman already existed. The Borgnine Exception comes into play, though, because a flying Borgnine dressed as Spiderman would be a fantastic improvement and one that kids would really enjoy. At the same time, he would be considered new as Borgnine would make the Spiderman his own in his own special way, like crapping in his suit, while retaining the dignity of the original by making out with Mary Jane, thus creating the "new and improved" exception.
“All the fixins’” - In a sentence “We are having a chicken BBQ ‘with all the fixins’’”, the BMTG prefers, “the meal shall include what you would typically expect to make a complete traditional meal for the food types involved.”
“Are you kidding me?” - Banned due to reckless
misuse by sports commentators. Ban sponsored by Brother Nature in an attempt
to self-regulate his own misuse of the term. Alternate phrases are “Wow,
that’s crazy.”, “Wow, that’s cuckoo crazy.”
(when extra emphasis is needed),
“For reals?”, and “You’re a funny bunny.”
"Costco" - Correct reference is "Price Club".
"Handicap" or "Handicapped" - Correct reference is "Cripple" or "Crippled." See definition below.
"He just blew an o-ring." - Due to reckless over-use, any phrase that includes the term "o-ring" qualifies as forbidden. Among the many alternative suggestions are "Oh boy, I sure felt the wind from that swing.", "Don't hurt yourself.", "That was an ankle breaker.", or "Hey batter, batter, batter."
“Hey pal” - For being the catch phrase of someone who's very name has been banned by the BMTG. Among the many alternative suggestions are "Hey man", "Helloooooo", "Howdy stranger", or "Aloha."
"I can't wait" - Another phrase that is chronically mis-used, as the case is generally that the speaker can wait.
Example - The Raise:
T. Durden - "Today is May 14th and I'm going to double your pay starting on the May 15th".
R. Paulson (very excited) - " I can't wait"
The fact is that yes, he can wait. R. Paulson, if misunderstood, could be informing T. Durden that the wait is too long and that he will instead quit as he can't wait until May 15th. The elation in R. Paulson's voice makes it clear that he is simply excited about his pay increase and is already prepared to spend it frivolously. R. Paulson should have simply said, "Thank you, I'm looking forward to May 15th," and then shake hands.
"If you will" - When used at the end of a sentence, as in "Take a look at this interesting road kill, if you will." This phrase usually leaves the listener hanging, anticipating what the end of the sentence will be, and ultimately prompting the appropriate response, "If I will what?"
"Internet" - Correct reference is the "Big Machine", as in "I got on the Big Machine last night to get my Sox tickets."
"Left Coast" - Correct reference is "West Coast" or "Pacific Coast". The forbidden referrence implies a sickeningly liberal bias that is somehow acceptable and expected.
"Let's roll" - The correct way to phrase this sentiment is with "Ready to roll?". While "ready to roll?" is presented as a question, it is to be stated in such a way that an answer is not expected.
"Never say never" - Correct reference is "Be judicious in your use of the word never." While many times the word "never" is used in a way that is not entirely accurate, there are moments when its usage is appropriate, such as, "In my 35 years of being me, I have never gone for a leisurely ride on the back of a live tyrannosaurus rex," or "I will never have the opportunity to comb Abraham Lincoln's beard."
While there may be lame attempts to say that one could actually have the opportunity to comb the beard of a person who happened to have the name Abraham Lincoln or someone pretending to be Abraham Lincoln, it is understood that when the statement is made about never having the opportunity to comb Abraham Lincoln's beard, they are referring to the 16th president of the United States. While it is also in the far remote realm of possibility that the person making the statement could actually someday dig up the grave of Lincoln and comb whatever is left of his beard, any sane person knows this will not happen. And while it would be argued by some that there is another remote possibility that time travel actually could become possible and practical, and the person who made the statement could travel back to the Gettysburg Address and comb the beard of Honest Abe, this is another scenario that must be immediately discarded due to the sheer lunacy of the premise.
“This stupid controller…” - Includes any phrasing that blames failure directly upon the xbox controller instead of focusing on the true cause of said failure. Alternate phrases are “Serenity now!”, “My frustration knows no bounds.”, “I’ve been Natured.”, and “I’ve BN’d.”
"To be honest with you..." - This implies that the speaker usually tells lies. This also applies to similar phrases, such as "To tell you the truth..." and "Honestly..." An example of people for whom this phrase would make sense to use are liberal politicians as it would be helpful to know when they are intending to be honest. However, due to their reckless disregard of the truth, even statements made that are prefaced with "To be honest with you..." are suspect and can not be trusted.
"toilet" - Correct reference is "commode" as in "Man, I blew up that commode," or "Off my case, commode-face."
"You never know" or "We'll never know" - These phrases are acceptable when used properly, such as "Who killed Kennedy? Perhaps we'll never know." However, these phrases are commonly used incorrectly at times where the immediate answer is not known, but will eventually become known. Even when stated properly, their usage is generally discouraged as these types of phrases have suffered from gross over-use.
Example - The Homerun:
P. Bateman - "I wonder if Barry Bonds will hit his 800th homer batting right handed."
P. Allen - "You never know."
The fact is that yes, you will know. If Bond's retires before hitting his 800th homerun then you know he didn't. If Bond's does hit 800 homeruns, then you will know as soon as the ball clears the fence. P. Allen should have said "That's an interesting question. I'm looking forward to finding out the answer," and then shake hands.
Recommendations
for Emphasis
To be used in front of a word that needs stronger meaning.
Cuckoo - As in "Cuckoo Crazy"
Space - In recognition that more words should have "space" in front of them. As is "Space Monkey."
Wicked - As in "My friend Sully is a wicked retard - I gave him a quarter for a cup of coffee, and he stuck it in the parking meter."
Pronunciatons
How to pronounce tricky names and words.
Favre - The name of the Packer quarterback who laid down so Michael Strahan could get a tainted record is correctly pronounced "fawv-ruh"
Gagne
- The Dodger reliever's name is correctly pronounced "gag-NEE"
Gyro - Should be pronounced "jai-row." If it were pronounced "hero" then it would be spelled "hero." A gyroscope is not pronounced "heroscope."
Panoche - This California city is correctly pronounced "pa-noke"
Can Sell Gravy to a Stone - Created by Sandman. Similar to the phrase, "Can sell ice cubes to an Eskimo," this phrase is to be used by all members of the BMTG when discussing selling/charm skills. As with most BMTG phrases it was based on a misunderstanding of Albuquerque Tom's job as a youth of "Selling graveyard plots over the phone".
Beatle - Someone who wants more out of you than you can give. Wants 8 days a week when you can only give 6. What do plantation owners and John Lennon have in common? They were both beatles.
Bel Air Chicken - Generic term for any grocery store prepared hot meal. Not an acceptable festival fare (Festival Rules and Guidelines, #5)
Bob Barker Rules - Closest without going over.
Brudy - Brother and buddy, as in "Mary Ann was looking for you Little Brudy."
Burritotarian - A vegetarian who mostly eats burritos. Brother Nature is a burritotarian, while Sandman is a vagitarian.
Butt-rock - 80's watered down hair bands, such as Poison and Warrant. Many non-buttrock bands are commonly misclassified as such by Sandman.
Captain Morgan Moment - Incidents that are frequently laced with profanity. Different than going "cold turkey," which is pure frustration with no animosity toward fellow man, a Captain Morgan moment is jolly, but profane. Captain Morgan references always refer to Captain Morgan consumption in excess.
Carl'd - Being hit in the groin area during a BMTG sporting event. This term pays homage to Ahchie's inadvertent groinal jab to Cousin Carl during a session of Street Heat. Cousin Carl's quote after that game was, "I was taking a shower later that night and I noticed my penis was black and blue. I thought I had somehow gotten a bunch of grease on it at work, then I remembered getting hit."
Cheers - Thumbs up. A sign of approval, generally used in Wiffle Ball assessments.
Cold Turkey - Moment of frustration during BMTG sanctioned sporting events, resulting in the lashing out at surrounding equipment and inanimate objects.
Congoesque - Low dart round (3 darts).
Continental Crust - The title song of the latest album by Tropical Peter. Refers to getting an STD common in South America. It is a thin crust-like fungus. College kids tend to get it after they visit another continent for the summer then come back to South America.
Cripple, Crippled - Any obvious irregularity, ranging from being physically disabled to wearing glasses. Opposite of normal. One is either crippled or normal. A person who normally wears glasses, is not considered a cripple when not wearing the glasses.
Daisy Duke It - Remove excess clothing and run. When you want to leave as fast as you can, you Daisy Duke it.
Digglers - All male enhancement products.
Drap - Rapid drop. As in, "The drap from the 20th story is not conducive to survival."
Food
of the Gods - When one is eating a satisfying meal and is asked by
a coeater or wait staff how the meal is, it is not appropriate to just say
"good" or "okay". The BMTG way is to say, "Food of
the Gods." If prompted further, the correct response is, "Is this
a test?"
Example:
Waitress - "How is your chili dog, sir?"
R. Paulson - "Food of the Gods."
Waitress - "What do you mean?"
R. Paulson - "Is this a test?"
Foodery - Eating establishment. Optional alternative to traditional terms. See also "Taco Bell".
Frisco - Correct way to reference San Francisco, chosen primarily for the annoyance its use causes to residents and other Northern Californians. Incorrect reference to Frisco is "The City".
Gayzona - Refers to Arizona State football fans that are also gay. They are usually dressed in yellow and are typically seen slapping each other playfully.
Jeers - Thumbs down. A sign of rejection, generally used in Wiffle Ball assessments.
Jody - Derrogatory way of referring to a male's effort and/or ability, as in "He's a Jody." A Jody is someone who throws, hits or kicks like a girl, but its usage is not limited to atheletic performance, as the meaning translates easily into all aspects of life.
Law of Diminishing Respect - States that as an entity increases in stupidity, there will be a two-fold decrease in the amount of respect given to that entity.
Rainman Line - Batting .300 in Wiffle Ball, as in "He's batting right around the Rainman Line."
Rump - Popular BMTG way of referring to the hind-quarters. As in, "The clever Taipan is known to always eat their prey head first, but this one has decided to down his dinner rump first." (see image above)
Rump Meeting - a.k.a. Rump Session. An informal, off-the-record gathering, often concerning sensitive matters. Such meetings can create the appearance of unlawful activity. Rump is a middle-English legislative term referring to a small part of an original group that is considered unrepresentative and therefore lacking in authority. As in, "As a matter of principle, I only attend Rump meetings."
Ruth - A rush job, as in "Don't Ruth it," or "Sorry fellas, this job was done in Ruthian fashion."
Space Atheist - Someone who thinks the 1969 moon landing was a hoax and/or that the entire space program is of little value.
Example:
Steamboy - "There goes NASA with their convenient lies."
Diesel - "Quit being such a space atheist."
 Saddam Hussein's Last Spider Hole |
Spider Hole - Vietnam era Army lingo used by G.I.'s in referring to an enemy hiding place, it was a space dug deep enough for the placement of a clay pot large enough to hold a crouching man, covered by a wooden plank and concealed with leaves. When an American patrol passed, the Vietcong would spring out, shooting. If the pot broke or cracked, the guerrilla could be attacked by poisonous spiders or snakes. Saddam Hussein's hiding place was referred to as a spider hole. A "tick-infested spider hole," as referenced in the Open Letter to BCI Eclipse, is a particularly nasty type of spider hole.
Sunsitive - The way skin is after a massive sunburn.
Taco Bell or T-Bell - Generic term for a foodery outlet. While the food is primarily fast food, and primarily from the fast food preferred list, it also includes casual sit-down places and pizza houses. First choice goes to fooderies that have preferred status, followed by those with neutral status.
The Big Machine - The Big Machine is a worldwide system of computer networks - a network of networks in which users at any one computer can, if they have permission, get information from any other computer (and sometimes talk directly to users at other computers). It was conceived by the Advanced Research Projects Agency (ARPA) of the U.S. government in 1969 and was first known as the ARPANET. The original aim was to create a network that would allow users of a research computer at one university to be able to "talk to" research computers at other universities. A side benefit of ARPANet's design was that, because messages could be routed or rerouted in more than one direction, the network could continue to function even if parts of it were destroyed in the event of a military attack or other disaster.
For many Big Machine users, electronic mail (e-mail) has practically replaced the Postal Service for short written transactions. Electronic mail is the most widely used application on the Big Machine.
The most widely used part of the Big Machine is the World Wide Web (often abbreviated "WWW" or called "the Web"). Using the Web, you have access to millions of pages of information.
The Circle of Life - Can only be defined through an example: when eating three Price Club hot dogs, as you are swallowing the third one, the first one is coming out - this is known as the Circle of Life.
The City - Yuba City. For correct reference to San Francisco, see "Frisco".
Unidentical - When two things are not the exact same.
Unfair - A foul ball, as in when a ball just bounces foul, "That is unfair."
Upperdecker - Poop in the upper basin where the fresh water that flushes out the commode is stored. Whenever someone flushes they will get more poop in the commode. Something to do at a party.