July 14, 2004: Smart Animals
By
The Diesel
Sacramento, CA
Some
people have devoted their entire life to learning more about the behaviors
and intelligence of animals. Every so often, there will be an article or a
television program that does it's best to convince us that animals are intelligent.
While most people agree that poultry ranks as the dumbest of animals, agreement
on what is the most intelligent animal varies depending on whom you are talking
to. Shane Linton, a researcher at the Monkey Institute in Chicago, believes
that monkeys are the most intelligent species, aside from humans, because
they are able to learn up to 200 words and perform simple tasks such as pointing
at a green light when they hear the word "green".
"We can learn a lot from animals such as 'McCoy'. He is very smart," says Linton who has spent over 15 years studying the intelligence of monkeys.
At the end of the day when everything is tabulated, humankind is still the most intelligent animal on the planet without contest. Some will argue, with politically laced dialogue, citing our penchant for war, production of pollution, and voting for the sleepy eyed, talentless, Ruben Studdard but such arguments are too silly to be taken seriously. The savagery, that is a natural part of the animal kingdom, forces us to realize that mankind's brutality is not unique and that animals do not have any higher standing than us in this regard. It's the animals' inability to develop efficient weaponry that makes them appear more civil to each other than they actually are. If animals possessed the intelligence to develop weapons, they would immediately begin destroying each other with a level of recklessness of which the world has never seen.
A monkey that can perform 50 meaningless acts or a dolphin that can push the red button at the right time are fine tricks but that is all they are; a collection of moderately interesting tricks with limited, if any, real value. Some would have you believe that spending taxpayer dollars to better understand the intelligence of animals is a worthwhile effort. We already know, by simply looking at them for 10 seconds, that they are inferior to human beings and can't really offer us anything from an intellectual standpoint. When you look at the supposed intelligent acts of any animal, while amusing, those acts are not a valid barometer of intelligence. The work that went into teaching and learning that act is not proportionate to its limited value. A monkey that lives twenty years and learned an average of 10 words per year does not make it a smart monkey; it makes it a slow learner with severe limitations. You like primates? Great, go get a shirt emblazoned with a photo of a yellow toothed orangutan, wearing a funny hat, and parade it around the office, but lets not support individuals who wish to devote their lives to studying animals unless there is real value.
Occasionally, there will be a proclamation that the research on primates has paid off as we now have a better understanding of the building blocks of life. The research that produces this type of data is valuable and can actually improve the lives of human beings. The same people that teach monkeys to honk a horn when hungry or blow kisses when they wet their pants do not perform this research. You eliminate the bar tricks and we still get all of the valuable scientific data because those researchers are looking for something of value and not simply playing with diapered monkeys all day.
So we are left with the question, "Are some animals intelligent?" When compared to other animals there are obviously some that will rise above the others in intelligence, as there would be some that are faster or stronger. To call any animal, other than humans, intelligent is fantasy, which is what makes it so funny when they take on human characteristics in the movies and on television, it's ludicrous and ludicrous is funny. If the intelligence of any animal were to be transferred to a human, to consider that "Manimal" an idiot would be kind. The Manimal would be classified as severely mentally handicapped and would need assistance with everyday living. The Manimal's 200 words and 50 tricks would come in handy when slurping juice from a sports bottle or yelping for another plate of sausages, but that is the extent of its ability to do anything for itself.
I do not advocate that animals be mistreated in any manner, unless being prepared for a meal or being forced to fight for wagering. I do advocate that those who preach that animals are intelligent be ignored and forced to redefine their definition of intelligence each and every time they make such a claim. While this article may sicken animal lovers, there is not any way in which an animal could have written it or even respond. (Insert obvious joke - although a monkey still won't get it). Hilarity aside, everyone knows all animals are too dumb to correspond in writing or even engage in a minimal conversation that does not include arm waving, hoof stomping, feces throwing, or flashing of teeth. All animals are simple-minded beasts, and those who think otherwise are simply confusing their love of animals with common sense. If you like playing with monkeys and teaching them tricks then that is great and you should do it often; however, please don't pretend that there is any real value from studying these animals and increasing their vocabulary.
The late Brazilian animal researcher, Pablo Marquez De La Santos, said volumes when he wrote, "I lived a great amount of my life studying animals. I lived with them, ate with them, and fought with them. I was often accepted as an equal which allowed me to study them intimately for such a long period that I hardly have enough time left in my life to write all that I know about them. The one thing that I will tell everyone who can, or more importantly will, listen is that animals, except for man, are guiltless killers consumed with self-preservation. I also find them to be far beneath any level of intelligence that would be acceptable for a human. My close proximity with these animals over the years has not bonded them to me in any way. Quite the contrary, I now believe that my life should have been spent on more noble endeavors than living among the animals. It is too late for me, but perhaps the readers of my research will be wise enough to realize that such research is of little importance and to choose another calling that better serves mankind".