May 31, 2006: A World Without
Birds
By White Russian
According
to some experts, it is not a matter of if the bird flu will
mutate to the point where it is spread from human to human into a worldwide
pandemic – it is a matter of when. There are various
ways to get prepared, such as stocking up on food, water, and the type of
facemasks Michael Jackson wears, or washing your hands thoroughly every time
you touch something, scrambling to come up with a vaccine in enough supply,
etc. But consider this solution – destroy all the birds. Wipe them all
out in a mass extermination. Have one giant bar-b-que and be done with it.
Even Brother Nature would have to be tempted
to get in on the last chance to eat a turkey leg. What if the planet had no
birds? What good do they do? Would we really miss them if they were gone?
And if you can’t stomach a worldwide extermination of birds, why not just eliminate all of the birds in the countries that the bird flu is coming from? It surfaced in southern China and spread throughout Southeast Asia, so why not wipe out every single bird there and work your way out? Why wait until it has spread to the clean countries? From January of 2004 to June of 2005, the bird flu was isolated in China, Japan, Laos, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Indonesia. Then from July to December of 2005, the bird flu spread to Mongolia, Russia, Kazakhstan, Kuwait, Turkey, Ukraine, Romania, and Croatia. Accelerating even more quickly, from January of 2006 to now, the bird flu has spread throughout Europe, India, and into Africa and Australia. It is clear we cannot wait any longer.
If the extermination thing doesn’t pan out and birds in Europe and elsewhere are going to continue to live, then here in America we need to protect our borders. We need to shut down bird immigration completely. Birds that are already here are probably okay, but we need to make sure that no new birds make their way over from Asia, Europe, or Africa. North and South America need to unite in this goal to make the Western Hemisphere a clean bird zone. This is yet another reason for the United States to shut itself off from the rest of the world. Forget the “We are the world” mentality – the rest of the world has been trying to either join us or bring us down ever since the American Revolution.
Did you know? |
According to various bird lover groups, about 1 in every 8 species of birds are threatened with extinction already. This is mainly due to the destruction of their habitat and over hunting as the human population grows and spreads its inherent evil on the planet. So the job of eliminating birds has been an ongoing one, but it is clearly not going quickly enough. Since the start of the 16th century, only 150 species of birds have gone extinct. That’s only 1 species eliminated every 3.3 years. At that rate, it would take approximately 32,257.5 years to eliminate all 9,775 bird species that are around today. Even species we thought were taken care of and eradicated from the earth are actually still around, including the ivory-billed woodpecker, which was thought to have been extinct for more than 60 years, as well as the short-tailed albatross, which was thought to have been extinct for decades.
So what would it be like if there were no birds?
1. There would be no more bird music, as well as no more incessant squawking. In the days that we could not provide our own music this may have been a big deal, but now it is not. There are plenty of nature CDs that have the best of bird sounds without the grating bird sounds.
2. There would be no more sidewalks, windshields, etc. covered in bird crap. Birds are exceedingly messy – this is one fact that cannot be denied.
3. There would be no more delicious eats from the tastier birds, including bar-b-que chicken in the summertime and turkey at Thanksgiving. Say hello to cows and pigs, as they should be able to serve as an adequate replacement. This could become a bigger problem if we reach the point of having to exterminate the entire world population of cows in order to get rid of mad cow disease. Poultry is said to be healthier eating than beef, and chicken is one of the most versatile foods around, but isn’t everyone a little bit tired of chicken anyway? By the time we start craving chicken again we will have found something that is just as healthy and tastes about the same.
The most probable replacement for chicken could be mahi mahi (and any other fish that does not have a fishy taste.) Mahi Mahi is a cool name and it tastes like chicken. Chicken and turkey farms could be replaced with mahi mahi farms, where tanks are stacked on top of each other in the place where the cages were. You could also have lakes that are stocked with an abundance of mahi mahi and let people catch their own.
4. There would be no more devouring of valuable crops by birds, as well as no more need for scarecrows and other ingenious devices to keep birds from devouring valuable crops.
5. There would be no more of the valuable services that are provided by birds. These services would have to be contracted out to other animals or be taken care of through human intervention. Services that birds perform and how we could replace them include the following:
- Birds pollinate flowers. Bees would have to pick up the slack and handle this chore (as long as we are able to exterminate all of the killer bees.)
- Birds disperse seeds. People can handle this job and do it more efficiently. We would be able to control where the seeds are dispersed, as opposed to leaving it up to the whims and clumsiness of birds.
- Birds help eliminate rodents and other pests. This task would be handled by a combination of cats, rat traps, and guns.
- Birds help eliminate insects. This is the big one and actually could be reason enough to keep a few birds around. Maybe figure out which species are best at it and form regulated armies of insect killing death squads that are unleashed in the dead of night and reigned back in before daybreak.
- Birds help eliminate weed seeds. It is clear that birds are not currently doing a good job at this anyway, so the probable answer to this one is a heavier reliance on products like Roundup. Another answer is to put the youth to work and make them pull the weeds. It would provide a service and build character.
Scavenger birds clean up dead and decaying animals that might otherwise be sources of disease. This job we would have to hand over to the hyenas. Researchers say that a hungry pack of hyenas can reduce a full sized zebra to nothing in less than 25 minutes. Additionally, extensive burning of dead and decaying animals would go a long way to fixing this one.
Southeast Asia has had several years to get control of this problem and they have failed miserably. According to CNN, South China has "long been the epicenter of pandemic flus, giving birth to three or four global outbreaks a century." What gives? Why does South China get away with continuing to be a threat to humanity? It's clear they are not going to do anything constructive and after this threat is gone, they will start cooking up the next one. Obviously complete destruction of the worldwide bird population is an extreme position that would have significant ramifications. While it may not be the most perfect solution, it may be more feasible than you would first think. The point is that we need to think big. While birds do some good things, they have also become a nuisance, and if we can replace the good things they do while eliminating the negative then we all come out ahead.
Additional thoughts from the BMTG Bird Flu Forum, where the following
questions were posed:
1. “How would you be affected if there were no birds in the
world?”
2. “What is your solution to the bird flu problem? Or do you feel it
is not even a problem in the first place?”
Sandman
1. It would be a drag if there were no birds. I like birds. I like to eat
chicken, turkey, etc. If we could get rid of all birds except turkeys and
chickens I wouldn't be heart broken.
2. My solution to the bird flu is get in a safe place and wait it out. Get
lots of food, water, aspirin, caffeine, sporting magazines, x-box, and wait
it out.
Albuquerque Tom
1. If you could kill all of the insects as well, then birds would be of no
use. I had an idea for a restaurant where you could kill your own chicken
and have it cooked. Cob and Slaw. Kind of like picking a lobster out of the
tank except you get in an Intel-type astronaut outfit and smash the bird with
a hammer. Then you get back in your DINNER CLOTHES and wait for it to be prepared.
2. An advertising campaign could scare Americans away from eating chicken
products by claiming they cause cancer. If everyone stops eating eggs and
chicken for one year and quits drinking chicken milk there will be no market
for chickens. Other types of birds could be dealt with by issuing every family
with a 8-10 year old son a dart gun and a bird hunting license. Birds which
are kept as pets would be allowed to live within the Bird Bubble, a plastic
bubble suspended in a tank of water with a filtered air supply. Birds who
already have the flu should be given Nyquil and get plenty of rest.
The Diesel
1) Cook everything in Chili powder/paste as it kills any germ. This includes
adding chili powder/paste to beverages.
2) Turn NYC into a huge prison that includes diseased birds (clipped wings)
and Snake Plissken.
3) Give every man, woman, and child on the planet a stainless steel, fully
mobile, iron lung.
4) Outlaw human/bird marriages.
5) Line nests with sticky glue (like the humane rat traps) so the birds get
stuck and die.
6) First strike by giving the human flu to birds.
7) Party like it's 1999
Abstinence from chicken milk is unrealistic. If proper protections are taken, including not milking chickens you’re unfamiliar with and being faithful to one chicken, I'm sure the chances of infection are minimal. In the rare case in which chickens are milking each other, not that there's anything wrong with that, it is best to switch to turkey milk and ignore the slight turkey aftertaste.
Albuquerque Tom
Health Valley just came out with Choco-Cluck, which is chocolate flavored
turkey milk. It tastes as horrible as turkey milk but the aftertaste is masked
by heavy chocolate syrup. What makes the drink fun is that it is carbonated
and thus can be enjoyed for hours after consumption.
Sidenote: Choco-Cluck Natural is milk from brown turkeys that looks like chocolate
turkey milk but tastes like regular turkey milk. And Choco-Cluck Black is
the splenda version with coffee added. Just so there's no confusion.
White Russian
Anything that has coffee flavor added just tastes like coffee, as the taste
is so overpowering - except in the case of the Choco-Cluck Black beverage,
which is said to be the worst beverage known to man. Even the coffee cannot
overcome the bad turkey milk aftertaste and the bad splenda aftertaste. It
is also rather expensive and, while it does contain coffee, you end up not
getting the full benefit of coffee (it just doesn't have the same pick me
up as regular coffee). The reason the Choco-Cluck Black drink is successful
is because it is marketed as a diet drink...
Albuquerque Tom
I've just been informed that the prototypes of the bird bubble were failures.
It seems there was no allowance for food to come into the bubble or crap to
go out. So the birds starved to death in a bubble filled with their own waste.
Woops.
The Diesel
That happens on the border all the time. I heard it's not a bad way to go
- you just fall asleep.