December 8, 2004: Bathroom Etiquette Hits All Time Low
By Ahchie

Standards in bathroom etiquette have been steadily declining in the United States over the past 10 years. The issue is not overstuffed and overflowing commodes, or miscellaneous dribbles on the seats. While not pleasant, these have always been problems, ever since man decided to centralize the location of disposal of his bodily fluids and wastes. It is expected that bad aim and continued use of way too much paper will continue to be a problem for many future generations. The disturbing decline that the BMTG has noted is focused in three main etiquette areas: stall selection, unwanted conversation, and lack of washing. BMTG members have long practiced proper bathroom behavior and it is appalling to see the high number of people who either don’t know or don’t care. The BMTG has observed people of all ages and ethnic backgrounds ignore the time-honored American traditions of proper bathroom conduct.

Stall Selection
While very easy to understand, stall selection has gradually become a forgotten practice outside the bounds of the BMTG. The concept is simple. Choose a stall that maximizes the chance that you will not have a neighbor. The goal is to always leave an open stall between you and anyone else to allow for adequate breathing space. For example, never choose the middle stall if there are three stalls that are all unoccupied. Choosing the middle stall guarantees that you will have a neighbor should someone else come in to do his or her biz-nasty. In the case of five stalls, the order of operations should be stall one, then five, and then three. This will ensure that everyone is comfortably spaced out, and it is only when a fourth person arrives that the neighbor situation will come into play. The worst breach of etiquette, and the number one bathroom etiquette problem facing America today, is when someone willingly chooses to be your neighbor when there is another stall available. The BMTG understands that there are times when it is impossible to avoid the neighbor situation, but the number of times it happens can be dramatically reduced with proper selection.

Unwanted Conversation
Nothing is worse than having someone you know attempt to carry a conversation with you when you are entering or sitting in a stall. The only time that conversation should happen is when both people are at the point of washing hands. Other than that, communication should be limited to a subtle nod as one enters and the other leaves, or no communication at all. There is nothing is so important that you have to talk about it while either standing at a urinal or sitting in a stall.

Lack of Washing
There is never a good reason to finish with the commode and skip the washing of hands. In the rare event of an unavailable or unsuitable washing area, it is highly recommended to find alternative means of taking care of this vital final step in the entire bathroom experience. An intense scrubbing is not expected and most times a quick wash will do. At the very least there should be a courtesy rinse. The simple procedure of washing hands takes a minimal amount of time and ensures that you will not be shunned by others. People who do not wash should understand that other people notice when someone leaves the bathroom without at least rinsing, and that more times than not that knowledge of their bad habits will be relayed to people they know.

What has caused this serious decline of proper bathroom etiquette over the last ten years? The only explanation for the dramatic increase in the number of people not washing their hands after using the commode is that there is some type of dirty Euro influence sweeping the nation. The foreign influence can actually explain all three lapses in etiquette as Europeans are notoriously dirty and a lack of etiquette is common in their culture. Overcrowding, invasion of one’s private space, and uncleanliness are hallmarks of many Euros.

Because all age groups have been identified as violators of basic bathroom etiquette, it is inevitable that the youth in America will not be taught about these important areas of proper social conduct. Ultimately it may come to a point of revolution as the young people growing up in these conditions rebel and forge the way back to the day when the United States could be counted on as a leader in hygiene and respect of other people’s space.

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