January 19, 2004: History
Lesson - Abraham Lincoln
By
The Diesel
Sacramento, CA
The BMTG recently received the following question about Abraham Lincoln. The Diesel was kind enough to provide the real story behind the legend...
Q:
Do you happen to know why Abraham Lincoln's beard looks so rough and difficult
to comb? It looks like the hair of a miniature schnauzer and I'm wondering
if there is something to that.
A:
Good question. When Lincoln was alive, (originally he was said to have choked
to death on a hot corn cob at the age of 17) the feel of his soft fluffy beard
was compared to the finest cottons of the South. By the early 1900's, the
story of his death and the description of his beard had changed. It was now
commonly accepted as fact that Lincoln had died at 31 years old by choking
on hot buttered popcorn while at the theatre, and that his beard had the feel
of slightly burnt wolverine fur, yet odorless and cold to the touch.
With
television becoming increasingly popular in the 1940's, historians sought
to glamorize "Honest Abe". The decision was made to change his death
to a murder (shot in head), at a theatre, and his legendary small gullet now
allowed for two-handed loads of popcorn to be eaten at once. At the same time
a miniature schnauzer craze was sweeping across America's elite. Historians
brilliantly played off of this fad and declared that Lincoln's beard had the
same texture as a miniature schnauzer. The popularity of Lincoln soared to
an all time high, as did the number of small dogs named Lincoln.
The truth is that the coarse, full appearance of Lincoln’s beard is actually an illusion, as in reality it was quite smooth and laid flat. When he was 21 years old, a drunk Lincoln fell into a pig pen allowing the giant pigs to eat off his jowls and ears before he sobered up the next day. The skin grew back grotesquely scarred and misshapen. Lincoln soon discovered that the soft facial hair that clung tightly to his disgusting cheeks made for a distinguished look from a distance of 20 feet or more.
Lincoln
died at the age of 87 after falling out of a tree. Ironically, his trademark
top hat, which could be expected to cushion such a fall, collapsed under his
weight, stabbing him in the head with the screwdrivers and pencils he kept
inside of it.
As
an additional side note, Walt Disney was so enamored with the legendary stories
that the pirate lying on the cannon on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is
actually a grinning Abraham Lincoln dressed up as a pirate. Disney also had
an affinity for large noses, and so combined both ideals by gracing his Lincoln
pirate tribute with an impressive proboscis.