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December 13, 2006: NFL Commentary, Week 14
By White Russian

Bryant Gumbel and Cris Collinsworth on Thursday Night Football
Cleveland at Pittsburgh

The NFL Network team of Gumbel and Collinsworth continues to suck. Collinsworth will just ramble on and on. Sometimes they will both get to rambling on about something no one cares about and totally ignore the game. To top it all off, Gumbel had a "cute story" about Derek Anderson’s wife. He was quite amused with himself as he told the story that he referred to a couple of times as "cute."

"Whoa! Somebody forgot to tell Mike Logan this game didn’t mean anything."
     Cris Collinsworth, after a wicked hit by Logon on the Cleveland punt returner

"How about some props for the kicker? No sleeves. Look at that."
     Bryant Gumbel
"Don’t know how smart he is."
     Collinsworth (under his breath)

"Look at the size of that crack."
     Collinsworth, regarding the small space Willie Parker ran through on a run

"Davenport working us down towards the three minute warning."
     Gumbel, after Najeh Davenport run with about 3:20 to play in the game

Pittsburgh rushing yards = 305. Cleveland rushing yards = 18.

Denver at San Diego

Simms Spotlight
Every game has the much anticipated "Keys to the Game," which is presented by the analyst so we know what to watch for when we tune in to the game. They are usually pretty generic, generally useless, and do not take an expert to come up with. Phils Simms' version of the Keys to the Game is known as the Simms Spotlight. This week’s keys from Phil Simms:

For Denver on offense: "Custom Cutlery. Deeper drops and throws downfield."
For San Diego on defense: "Welcome to the NFL…Rook! Make the rookie get it done."
For San Diego on offense: "What Would You Do? Give the ball to what’s his name."
For Denver on defense: "No Dunk Zone. Don’t let them dink and dunk."

Useless Stat
Cutler’s three giveaways last week (2 interceptions, 1 fumble) was tied for third most in NFL Week 13.

"That’s called, ‘Playin’ the Ball While It’s in the Air.’"
     Phil Simms, direct from the Dan Dierdorf School of Broadcasting

Oakland at Cincinnati

"Cincinnati right in the hunt right now at seven and five with the Jets for the wildcard."
     Gus Johnson
"And you see all five of those teams playing this week – none of ‘em play each other. So, man, you wanna talk about being able to really throw a wrench into the playoff picture – whatever of those five teams wins and loses, it’s really going to make a difference. Next week that graphic’s gonna be completely different."
     Steve Tasker

The graphic they were referring to:

LEADERS
Cincinnati	7-5
N.Y. Jets	7-5
IN THE HUNT
Jacksonville	7-5
Kansas City	7-5
Denver	7-5
Pittsburgh	6-7

So why does the fact that none of them play each other mean that the graphic is going to be completely different after the games? It seems that if they all win (or they all lose) the graphic will be exactly the same. And since they are all in the playoff hunt, and therefore do not completely suck, and are playing for something, it is reasonable to expect that they all have a shot at winning. Now, if they did play each other, that would seem to guarantee some type of mixup, but probably still not nearly as dramatic as we are led to believe.

So, here is the graphic after the games:

LEADERS
Cincinnati	8-5
Jacksonville	8-5
IN THE HUNT
N.Y. Jets	7-6
Kansas City	7-6
Denver	7-6
Pittsburgh	6-7

Two won, three lost. And it doesn’t look all that different - with just Jacksonville and the Jets swapping positions.

Green Bay at San Francisco

"Fellas, you know what NFL stands for, right? You’ve heard it enough. It’s the National Fake-You-Out League!"
     Tim Ryan
"Fake you out?"
     JC Pearson
"You never know on Sundays! You kiddin’ me?"
     Tim Ryan
(Accompanied by courtesy laughter from Matt Vasgersian and JC Pearson)

Tim Ryan loves this title of his for the NFL. He used it when his broadcast partner was Sam Rosen in week 9, and has probably used it many more times. The funny thing is that he doesn't realize how lame it is.

"Brett is like – well, he’s almost like a grenade, fellas. He can blow up anywhere and just start goin’. And start shreddin’ ya and rippin’ you to bits."
     Tim Ryan, regarding Brett Favre (pronounced "Fawv-ruh")

At the end of the first half the following exchange took place. It appeared that Brett Favre (pronounced "Fawv-ruh") fumbled and Frisco recovered with about 11 seconds remaining:
"The time keeps a tickin’!"
     Matt Vasgersian
"Why didn’t - - "
     Tim Ryan
"Why didn’t the clock stop, if it was a change of possession?"
     JC Pearson
"If the ball was blown dead, that clock should have stopped."
     Ryan
"Well, they’re going to have to bring people back onto the field. The Packers and 49ers are both headed to the locker room for halftime."
     Vasgersian
"They’re saying it’s over."
     Pearson
"There was 11 seconds left on the clock when Brandon Moore knocked the ball out of the arm of Brett Favre on the sack. Clearly they had timeouts left – could’ve used them there. What happened?"
     Ryan
"Change of possession – the clock stops anyway."
     Pearson
"Boy, I don’t get it. That’s - - "
     Ryan
"When Brandon Moore recovered that fumble, whoever recovered it - - "
     Pearson
"It was down – he was already down - - "
     Ryan
"Yeah, he was down - - "
     Pearson
"The clock should’ve stopped."
     Ryan
"There was at least 8 seconds left."
     Pearson
"You know, and time kept rolling. And you don’t see many protests coming from the San Francisco sidelines, as the clock just spent itself away."
     Vagersian

There were no protests from anywhere but the broadcast booth.

When was the last time these guys watched a football game? Did not one of them even stop to think that maybe it was not a fumble? In recent years every time the ball comes loose there is a question as to whether or not it really is a fumble. So many times what looks like a fumble is not because the player was down before fumbling or the ground caused the player to lose control of the ball. The first thought you have after seeing the play in question is that maybe Favre (pronounced "Fawv-ruh") was ruled down before he dropped the ball, and that is why the clock kept going. They didn’t even look at a replay. They just kept babbling on and on in their confused state, unable to fathom why the officiating crew and both teams just decided to run off the field after the play.

After the halftime break, when the brilliant trio of Vasgersian, Pearson, and Ryan came back to start the third quarter, they explained that the call on the field was that Favre (pronounced "Fawv-ruh") was down before he fumbled. San Francisco could have called a timeout to force the replay officials to consider looking at the play, but they must have decided not to. Finally we got to see a replay that showed that it was a very close play, and was one that probably should have been reviewed.

New Orleans at Dallas

John Madden is well known for saying that particular players are "something special." Sunday night, the goal was to find out how many players were referred to as special by Madden. Only one player got that distinction, but he received a triple dose from Madden. Drew Brees was referred to as "something special" three different times during the evening. Once at the beginning of the game, then near the end of the first half in the "two minute situation," and finally again in the third quarter, when he said that Brees was something special "in the first half."

And then came a classic moment: Al Michaels’ Rant at the beginning of the second half:
"We’re waiting for the smoke to clear. It’s about the stupidest, I gotta say, it’s the stupidest thing in sports. There are pyrotechnics now with every pregame show, halftime show. It’s doubly stupid in indoor arenas, in the NBA and NHL. This whole place was just full of smoke two minutes ago because of some garbage at halftime. And, you know, I’m going to say it once, and hopefully I’m wrong, but it’s a disaster waiting to happen."
     Al Michaels

After Reggie Bush scored in the third quarter on a 61 yard screen pass catch and run:
" Boy, is he fun to watch, isn’t he?"
     John Madden
" Wow! He’s fun to watch for every fan, except if you’re a fan of the Houston Texans. And every Texan fan has to be saying, ‘What in the hell did we do after the draft?’"
     Al Michaels
" Hey, I want this guy on my team. If I have first pick, I’m pickin’ Reggie Bush. I don’t even know what the game is."
     Madden
"Wow!"
     Michaels

Funniest Penalty of the Week
The unsportsmanlike call on Bill Parcells for throwing the red challenge flag inside of two minutes to play in the first half. New Orleans had just completed a pass at the Dallas 20 yard line. The receiver dropped the ball and recovered it. New Orleans races down to spike the ball in order to stop the clock and ensure that the play is not reviewed to see if it really was a complete pass. The clock runs down to 32 seconds and New Orleans snaps the ball. At the same time Parcells throws the red flag in desperation and the officials announce that the booth called for a replay before the snap. After the replay, the pass is ruled incomplete, but Parcells gets called for the penalty for throwing the flag. The clock is set back to 50 seconds and the Saints only lose 7 yards, instead of 22 (but they gain 18 seconds). The ball is placed on the 27 yard line, instead of the 20, and the clock stands at 50 seconds instead of 32.

Chicago at St. Louis

Stating the Obvious by Joe Theismann
"You know, these are the kind of things that – that don’t help Rex."
     Joe Theismann, after a taunting call on Thomas Jones in the first quarter

Mike Tirico referred to the St. Louis Cardinals World Series trophy as the best guest of the year. Wonder how that makes all the previous guests feel.

"Isn’t that how you win in cold weather – by running?"
     Tony Kornheiser
"You win by getting the lead. And making other people try to throw it."
     Joe Theismann

This Week’s Edition of Commentators Who Need To Go

The totally lost trio of Tim Ryan, JC Pearson, and Matt Vasgersian

Egregious Fantasy Notes

Sandman received one egregious error, bringing his total to 3.75 this season. The error was for not having any backup quarterbacks listed. Jake Delhomme (number 2 quarterback) was out with an injury in week 14. Since no backups were listed, Sandman took a zero for that roster slot. Had Sandman ranked Drew Brees, for example, as the number 3 quarterback, he would have gotten 90% of his 648 smallworld points (583.2 points). Sandman has not listed backups at any position for 10 weeks, but has managed to survive unscathed, until now.

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