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December 20, 2006: NFL Commentary, Week 15
By White Russian

Thursday Night Football with Gumbel and Collinsworth
San Francisco at Seattle

"What is that field made of?"
     Diesel, regarding the pregame shot of the Seattle field when the rain was at its worst, causing the ground to swell in waves.
"A dinosaur’s back."
     An inebriated Brother Nature

"Seventy five miles per hour – that’s a hurricane."
     Cris Collinsworth, being overly dramatic about the weather conditions

"The ball right now is as dry as it’s going to be."
     Cris Collinsworth, two minutes into the game and still being dramatic. Then the rain stopped.

On 3rd and 9 on the 49ers first drive, Collinsworth speculated that the 49ers would not bother to go for a first down because of the weather conditions.

"I know wet – I don’t know slimy."
     Bryant Gumbel

"Vernon Davis is a monster at tight end."
     Gumbel, beginning of game when introducing players

"Talk about a man-child."
     Gumbel, regarding Vernon Davis after he scored later in the game

The celebration penalty on Davis, after he did a mock celebration of the bird, was bogus. The reason they called the penalty was because he pretended to have one foot on the pylon in the endzone and was therefore using the pylon as a prop. Had he done the same celebration with the only difference being the absence of the pylon, a penalty would not have been called.

"He dropped another one. They’ll be booin’ retroactively here in a minute."
     Collinsworth, regarding Seattle tight end Jeramy Stevens, who had an apparent catch overturned after further review

The Diesel’s analysis of Gumbel and Collinsworth is summed up in the phrase “Flavor of the Play.” They will sing praises or tear down any player in an instant based only on what is going on in that instant. They are not even flavor of the month, or flavor of the day, or flavor of the minute – they are flavor of the play.

"One of ‘em said Silent Night is a better song than Little Town of Bethlehem."
     Gumbel, regarding a scuffle on the sidelines after a Frank Gore run

"Volatile. Persnickety."
     Gumbel’s response to Collinsworth’s inquiry on what he thought about Antonio Bryant

"That was the pudding on the cake."
     Brother Nature, after the Alex Smith touchdown run in the 4th quarter

"They just changed the show on Friday from 'Who is Romo?' to 'Who is Alex Smith?'"
     White Russian, after a Smith touchdown pass in the 4th quarter, in reference to the flavor of the month (Tony Romo) and his endless hype

And what is the deal with the Cowboys? The coverage of the Cowboys is disproportionate with the rest of the league. They are not the only team in the playoff chase and they are not America’s team. It’s like Dallas is the Notre Dame of the NFL.

There was a punt by Seattle that looked like it should have been down inside the 5 yard line. It was very clear that the Seattle player touched the ball before he went into the end zone, yet the officials ruled it a touchback. There was no challenge by Holmgren, and both Collinsworth and Gumbel could offer no explanation.

The 49er punter (Lee) has a Munson hand. Also, his facial expressions are entertaining when he his getting ready to kick.

There ought to be a stat showing the actual impact of penalties in terms of total yardage. They probably do keep a stat for this, but it is safely tucked away for no one to see. For example, San Francisco was called for holding when Smith had run it in from the 17 yard line at the end of the first half. The holding penalty moved the ball back to the 27. It goes down in the books as a 10 yard penalty, but really the impact of the play is 27 yards.

Players should respond with sarcasm whenever they are asked idiotic questions when they are coming off the field at the end of the game. Alex Smith was asked if he ever had that good of a 2nd half. Then he was asked if the long pass to Battle gave him confidence. How they answer is with a standard, generic reply. What they should say to a question like that is, “Yeah, I was a total wreck before that play. My confidence is usually so shaky that I didn’t think I was ever going to complete another pass.”

Gumbel Game #2
Dallas at Atlanta

Of all announcers on the planet, why in the world is it that the only person to announce two games this week is Bryant Gumbel? His partner this time was Dick Vermeil, who does a good job, but his voice was shot. This caused Marshall Faulk to join the booth in the 2nd quarter, then after halftime Vermeil was gone and we had to endure an entire half with Deion Sanders.

Gumbel needs to stop referring to HDTV as “glorious HD”.

"Romo gets that off barely before the shot clock expired."
     Gumbel, just before Romo launched an ill advised three point attempt over the outstretched hands of Doug Christie

After Michael Vick threw an interception and was standing on the sidelines, Gumbel said that Vick is left to ponder what went wrong. After Atlanta tied the score at 14, Gumbel said that Parcells was left to ponder where the 14 point lead went.

Another favorite phrase of Gumbel is, “Much to the chagrin of [insert player's name here]…”

 

Atlanta ball, trailing 21 to 14 with a little over a minute left in the first half. The Falcons run up the middle on 2nd and 13.
"What do you think of that call, coach?"
     Gumbel to Vermeil
"It’s a draw play - -"
     Vermeil (cut off by Gumbel)
"We know that – what do you think of the call, coach?"
     Gumbel
Vermeil stumbles and attempts to get the words out quickly to avoid another rude interruption. His laryngitis doesn’t help, as he can barely speak. Finally, he sums it up simply that he thought the play was a good changeup.

Shortly after that, Atlanta is called for an illegal formation on an apparent touchdown play. When the official announced the penalty:
"Again. Aw."
     Vermeil, referring to a play earlier in the game when Atlanta had a touchdown come back because of the same illegal formation call. His “Aw,” was some kind of grunt that really has no easy way to translate into a word – kind of a cross between “oh” and “ugh” and “ah”.
"Well, this one’s not very injurious. Of course, they haven’t made the extra point yet."
     Gumbel
[pause]
"It’ll push ‘em back 5."
     Gumbel
Then Vermeil shows the replay and indicates where the penalty was.
"Wow. That one’s a killer. That one’s a killer. So, second and goal and they will be put back to the 8."
     Gumbel
On the very next play Atlanta scored a touchdown, just like they did earlier in the game in the same situation. Two touchdowns called back by an illegal formation and both times they scored a touchdown on the very next play.

After Romo threw a lateral, intended for Terry Glenn, that no one caught, the ball rolled out of bounds as Atlanta was not able to recover it. Before the lateral it was 2nd and inches. After the lateral it was 3rd and 12. During the play Gumbel said it was hard to tell if it was a lateral, even though it was painfully obvious, then he said that the loss of yardage was only 3 yards (when it really was 12).

All night Gumbel kept referring to Romo’s “clunker” against New Orleans. He also kept referring to how great a night Vick was having. It was like he had never seen him throw more than one touchdown pass in a game before. Towards the end of the game, though, Gumbel and Deion Sanders went into Flavor of the Play mode as they grilled Vick for coming out of the game with an injury.

Why so much detail about Bryant Gumbel and his inadequacy in the booth? A number of reasons, really, but one reason to point all this out is to give an idea of what an entire game of Gumbel is like. Each individual screw up is understandable on its own. Everyone makes mistakes and it is natural from time to time. But Gumbel does this all the time. Each little thing is no big deal on its own, but collectively they are close to astonishing.

After the game DeAngelo Hall said that Terrell Owens spit in his face and he has lost all respect for him. Owens was interviewed right after that by Deion Sanders. Owens said he apologized for it (don’t know to who he apologized or when he did this, or if that statement itself was the apology). Some other incidents were brought up from earlier in the season and Owens said he apologized for that, too.

It is good to apologize for the stupid crap you do, but at some point you have to stop doing the stupid crap.

Washington at New Orleans

Is New Orleans head coach Sean Payton the Dusty Baker of the NFL? He had his six year old son run and get the tee off the field after the opening kickoff (after the play was dead, thankfully).

"I gotta tell ya, his daughter Megan was on TV two weeks ago in a big win against San Francisco. And although Sean Payton and these Saints went to Dallas and beat Bill Parcells and the Cowboys last week, he was more excited about seeing his daughter Megan on TV than he was winning that game."
     Brian Baldinger

Was he really more excited about seeing his kid on TV than winning a big game in Big D against the Big Tuna in the middle of the playoff race?

Philadelphia at New York Giants

According to Troy Aikman, Correll Buckhalter is not as quick as Brian Westbrook, but he is faster.

Denver at Arizona

This week’s Simms Spotlight
Arizona on offense: Birds of a Feather – Attack together
Denver on defense: In This Corner… - Stay back and help the corners
Denver on offense: Safe and “Sound” – Take pressure off the tackles
Arizona on defense: Cardinal Rule – Play it safe and stop big plays

"Arizona says, ‘Wait a minute, he never had possession.’ And Walt Anderson, ‘We’ll review it.’ We’ll be right back."
     Jim Nantz, after an Arizona challenge

Kansas City at San Diego

Who’s Special According to John Madden
This week Madden referred to two players as “something special.”

"This guy is something special. You know, when you’re just watching him you know that you are watching something special."
     Madden, regarding LaDainian Tomlinson with 10 minutes left in the 1st quarter

"Boy, this guy is something special, isn’t he? Michael Turner."
     Madden, regarding Turner in the 3rd quarter

"What a player. I mean, this is a guy who is something special to watch."
     Madden, regarding Tomlinson in the 3rd quarter

"And of course the biggest part of that is their running game and LaDainian Tomlinson. But isn’t he something special? Because everybody knows he’s going to get the ball."
     Madden, regarding San Diego’s league leading 70% touchdown rate when in the red zone

"This looks like a man just playing in the parking lot with boys."
     Madden, after Tomlinson scored his first touchdown of the night

You know your season is golden when things like this happen: Kansas City blocked a punt, but because a Kansas City player touched the ball after it passed the line of scrimmage, but did not recover the ball, it counted like a fumble and San Diego was able retain possession and got a first down out of it. On the next play, Tomlinson ran 85 yards for a touchdown.

College Football

Majors
This week's sampling of majors that are being pursued by current college football players:

Finance
Speech Communications

Poinsettia Bowl – TCU vs. Northern Illinois
Three minutes into the game it was obvious that TCU was going to crush Garrett Wolfe and the rest of Northern Illinois.

At one point in the game it appeared that Northern Illinois forced a fumble and recovered it deep in TCU territory. But instead of seeing any more than a quick shot of the play, we were treated to an engrossing interview of the COO of the San Diego County Credit Union, who told a story about getting a blade of grass from the field. The interview ended with a reference to Lou Holtz and that the credit union lady “beamed” when she heard his name.

When they went back to the booth, Holtz was asked this question, “Most ladies do beam when they hear your name, don’t they Lou?” And that yielded the quote of the week:

"Oh, yeah. Girls under 12 and over 70."
     Lou Holtz

Pro Bowl
Shawne Merriman was caught cheating. He was suspended for four games for violating the steroid policy. Now that he is back, it is like nothing happened. And now he is going to the Pro Bowl. Anyone who is caught cheating should automatically be ineligible for the Pro Bowl for at least that season. His nickname should be taken away, too.

NBA
There are only two major sports left – baseball and football. Basketball has degenerated into irrelevancy and has joined hockey as a niche sport. Basketball has steadily been declining since the departure of such players as Michael Jordan and with the influx of immature high schoolers and players with minimal time in college. What does it say about your league when the whining and complaining from the players on the court is so bad that a rule has to be instituted that you can’t say anything or you’ll get a technical? What does it say about your league when the players have to be told how to properly dress when they are injured and have to sit on the bench? The ten player brawl last week is just the latest black eye on a sport that has increasingly pushed away a large segment of its audience with their thug-like mentality.

An additional part of the NBA’s problem is their perceived lack of integrity when it comes to officiating. Stars get preferential treatment when it comes to calling fouls. Some games are officiated so poorly you wonder if the games are fixed. If a coach or player says anything about the officiating they get fined.

Baseball and football have their share of problems, primarily steroids related. Steroids is a stigma, but really, how big a stigma is it? Mark McGwire won’t talk about it and his entry to the Hall of Fame will be delayed, but he’ll still get in. Some players will always be remembered more for steroids than for their play (like Rafael Palmeiro, but his problems stem from the fact that he vehemently denied doing steroids while he pointed his finger a la Bill Clinton, only to get caught not long after). Barry Bonds should break Hank Aaron’s home run record this season and it will be interesting to see how it plays out, but stigma or not, Bonds will still get $16 million dollars for the upcoming season. For other players, it doesn’t seem to matter what they have done. Jason Giambi has continued playing like nothing happened – like the Shawne Merriman situation in football. He cheated and got caught, but he is still going to the Pro Bowl.

Football has also had its share of ugly incidents. Terrell Owens spits in the face of DeAngelo Hall. One player stomps on the head of another player. The Miami Hurricanes always seem to be in trouble. Eight players from the Cincinnati Bengals get arrested for a variety of things this year, mostly driving under the influence. The Minnesota Vikings last year were a disgrace. But with all these incidents, and others, football thrives. It seems like football’s image is nowhere near as bad as the image of the NBA.

This Week’s Edition of Commentators Who Need To Go

Deion Sanders

Egregious Fantasy Notes

Tin Man, 3 Egregious Errors, 1 for failing to represent Tampa Bay the required number of times (4 times instead of 16), 1 for failing to represent Tennessee the required number of times (5 times instead of 16), and 1 for failing to participate throughout the season, resulting in exponentially gross mismanagement that led to the use of a substitute owner to submit rosters for weeks 14 and 15 and to continue with the rest of the competition. The penalties from the under representation resulted in the first ever finish in negative points.

Final Thought
How come you don’t hear much talk about global warming in the winter time?

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