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December 27, 2006: NFL Commentary, Week 16
By White Russian

Thursday Night Football

Quotes and Observations
Why was Brady Leaf even in the Oregon vs. BYU game for even one play? Oregon's other quarterback, Dixon, can run and he showed that he could air it out as well. Leaf could not do either, yet he was given a ton of time at quarterback.

“Tarkanian is crooked like an ‘S’”
     Sandman

“Dixon dances for the Ducks.”
     Brent Mussberger, regarding the Oregon quarterback

“This is becoming an old fashioned butt kickin’”
     Brent Mussberger, speaking like an old Sean Connery, after BYU went up 31 to 0

Drew Bledsoe is the Garrett Wolfe of quarterbacks.

Dononvan McNabb is the Chris Webber of the NFL.

“Mark my words – Tromo will be the Pro Bowl MVP.”
     Sandman
“That’s because no one else will go.”
     White Russian

Who will be the Pro Bowl MVP?
Sandman – Tony Romo
Diesel – Kampman from Green Bay
Brother Nature – The Scarecrow
White Russian – Reggie Wayne

“You’re gonna be shocked.”
     Lou Holtz, regarding Boise State and their chance at being competitive in the Fiesta Bowl, after Mark May said Boise did not have any chance.

“Don’t confuse me with facts, Mark.”
     Lou Holtz, regarding Wake Forest vs. Louisville (after Mark May explained why he felt Wake Forest had no chance against Louisville)

“Will they be embarrassed again?”
     Rece Davis to Lou Holtz, regarding Notre Dame’s bowl game
“Absolutely not. This is one time where the University of Notre Dame may embarrass the opponent in a big game - -”
     Lou Holtz (interrupted by Mark May)
“What?! Whoa!”
     Mark May

Classic Commercial
There was a commercial on a long time ago that featured a dad dispensing advice to his son about groceries. When it came to teaching about Swiss cheese, the fake child says, “Swiss has holes,” but it really sounded like he said, “Swiss assholes.”

Bowl Games
Why are there so many empty seats at these bowl games?

BMTG Karma
Teams that have benefited from the BMTG Karma:

Anaheim Angels (World Series victory)
San Francisco Giants (World Series appearance)
Boise State Broncos (Fiesta Bowl appearance and 12 and 0 season)

Non Football Quotes
“I have never seen anything like this before.”
     Scientist on Creature From the Black Lagoon
“I have never seen bone fragments like this before.”
     Scientist on Reptilicus

The Manning Law
The quality of the Indianapolis defense is in an inverse relationship with the number of Peyton Manning commercials. As the number of commercials increases, the quality of the Indy defense decreases.

Fourth Quarter Comebacks
The stat that is given to quarterbacks for 4th quarter comebacks seems a bit meaningless. Take this for an example. The Dolphins and Jets are in a low scoring sleeper of a game. Miami takes the lead late in the fourth quarter. Pennington has 7 career 4th quarter comebacks (one this year). So what does Pennington do to lead his team to victory? He throws a screen pass that is basically a long hand off. The receiver then runs 70 yards to get the Jets in field goal range. The Jets kick the field goal and win the game. And Pennington has his 8th career 4th quarter comeback.

New Orleans Bowl – Rice vs. Troy
“He’s a big guy, but it’s safe to say he’s not on the juist.”
     Chris Spielman, regarding Rice kicker Luke Juist
[silence]
“Thank you, I’ll be here all week.”
     Spielman

Rice is down by 24 with about 5 minutes to play. They score a touchdown and kick the extra point. Should they have gone for a 2-point conversion instead? According to the announcers they made a mistake by kicking in lieu of a 2-point conversion. But is it really a mistake? Yes, down by 24 you need three touchdowns and three 2-point conversions just to tie, and if you kick extra points you will need the three touchdowns plus a field goal. Given the limited amount of time available, your chances are very slim no matter what. The chances of kicking an extra point are far greater than the chances of converting a 2-point conversion. And what are the chances you will convert all three 2-point conversions? If you miss even one conversion, you will still need that field goal. If you miss the first 2-point conversion, you will need to make the next one just to get back to where you would have been had you kicked extra points. And if you miss two of the conversions you will need a fourth touchdown instead of the field goal. Also consider that up to that touchdown where they kicked the extra point, Rice had only scored 10 points, so the chances of them converting more than one 2-point conversion were probably pretty bad.

In the end, of course, it didn’t matter because after Rice kicked the extra point they failed on their onside kick attempt and Troy marched down and scored a touchdown, putting Rice down by 24 again with about a minute to play.

Hawaii Bowl
It’s Grice-Mullen, not Grice-Mullens. Mark Jones, the play by play man, could not get it right until the receiver for Hawaii scored his second touchdown of the night. The color commentator, David Norrie, got it right when Grice-Mullen caught his first touchdown pass. Either Norrie corrected his partner, or that’s how Jones rolls – you don’t get the proper attention until after you make a significant mark on the game.

“The lead has been whittled down to nine, with the extra point to follow.”
     Mark Jones, after Arizona State scored a touchdown in the 4th quarter to make the score 27 to 16 before the extra point attempt.
“The lead is down to [pause] ten points. It’s 27 to 17.”
     Mark Jones, after Arizona kicked the extra point.

Colt Brennan threw for 559 yards and 5 touchdowns. What is more impressive is that he threw for more than 400 yards and all 5 touchdowns in the second half.

The announcers kept talking about Hawaii defensive coordinator Jerry Glanville’s magic number of 20 for the number of hits the opposing quarterback needs to take before “things start to happen.” After the 20th hit, according to Glanville, is when the quarterback will start to make mistakes and that is when they get their interceptions. At the end of the third quarter, the number of hits the Arizona State quarterback had taken stood at nine, meaning, at that pace, Hawaii would need to play almost two full games to reach Glanville’s magic number. Yet they kept talking about it like the moment was imminent when things would start to happen.

The college celebration penalty continues to be a ridiculous joke. Players will get excited and jump into each other and no penalty is called, but a Hawaii player was called for exchanging high-fives with people in the stands after he scored a touchdown. Since that was his second unsportsmanlike call of the night, he was kicked out of the game. How is what he did unsportsmanlike? Is he taunting the other team or showing up the other team when he does that?

And he’s saying…
The following announcers seem to know exactly what the players and coaches are saying on the field: Tim Brant, Dan Fouts, Dick Enberg, Randy Cross, and John Madden. Read on for specific examples.

Emerald Bowl – Florida State vs. UCLA
“You know, this is fun. We’re watching Markey – he’s got 12 carries, 103 yards. Now Booker says, ‘Hold it. Give me the football. Let me have a chance.’ So now he has 8 carries and 69 yards.”
     Tim Brant, after run by Florida State running back Lorenzo Booker

“That was a screen pass to the right. He said, ‘Heck with that, I’m going left.’”
     Dan Fouts, after a Booker catch late in the 1st half

“That’s what you call, ‘Throwin’ on rhythm.’”
     Dan Fouts, after a Cowan completion at the end of the third quarter

“UCLA has no times out left.”
     Dan Fouts, late fourth quarter. Now that Keith Jackson is done announcing, Fouts has taken on the responsibility of referring to time outs as “times out.”

San Diego at Seattle
Instead of the Simms Spotlight, this week we have Cross Talk, brought to us by Randy Cross.

This week’s Cross Talk
For Seattle – Naughty or Nice?
For San Diego – Will you be home for Christmas?

“Babineaux is saying, ‘Why you pickin’ on me? Why not give it to Laury?’”
     Dick Enberg, after two illegal block in the back calls on Seattle (1 was declined)

“The Niner fans are sayin’, ‘Oh, yeah, sure Arizona, now overachieve.’”
     Randy Cross, regarding the Arizona 17 to 3 lead over Frisco in the first half

“So, Rivers says, in his defense, as the extra point is delivered by Nate Kaeding, ‘So, I only completed one pass in the first half. So? What’s the score?’”
     Dick Enberg, after Rivers threw a touchdown pass to make it 7 to 0. Rivers went 1 for 10 in the first half, with the touchdown being the only completion.

“That looked like a heck of a block to me. That didn’t look like much of a hold, but, then again, I spent 13 years blocking – what do I know?”
     Randy Cross, after holding penalty on Seattle cancelled a kickoff return for a touchdown
“And you never held.”
     Dick Enberg

“It’s so loud it hurts.”
     Dick Enberg, regarding the Seattle crowd noise

Philadelphia at Dallas
“And Bill Parcells is saying, ‘What the heck is going on out there? We don’t have the answer.’”
     John Madden, during the 2nd quarter as Philadelphia was on their 2nd long drive of the game, leading 7 to 0.

“The Cowboys are going to go off on the sideline and tell their coaches, ‘Hey, they know what our plays are – they’re calling our plays before we run ‘em.’”
     John Madden, after Philadelphia called out to watch for the draw just before Dallas ran a draw play in the 3rd quarter

“And Bill Parcells is sayin’, ‘You know, if you’re going to throw that deep one, you have to check the free safeties.’”
     John Madden, as Tony Romo walked off the field after throwing an interception early in the fourth quarter. Parcells spoke to him as he walked by, but it wasn’t that many words.

“And there was nothing open and Jeff Garcia said, ‘Well, you know, I called it – I got a bootleg, I can run for that first down.’”
     John Madden, after a Jeff Garcia run in the 4th quarter

“When a guy is really down, Bill Parcells tries to lift him up, you know, and he’s tellin’ him, ‘Okay, you know you’re going to have these days, but, you know, we’re still playing. You know, it’s how you come back from this is what we have to talk about.’”
     John Madden, as Parcells talks to Romo on the sidelines

College Football Majors
This week's sampling of majors that are being pursued by current college football players:

Real Estate & Urban Land Economics
Business (2)
Heath Education & Promotion
Accounting
Social & Criminal Justice
Social Science
Sociology

Bobby Knight
Here’s hoping that Knight breaks the all time coaching wins in college basketball record soon so we can stop hearing about it.

Feliz Navidad
This song has no verses. Just two choruses repeated over and over.

Chorus #1 (twice)
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y Felicidad

Chorus #2 (twice)
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart

Then it goes back to chorus #1 two times again, followed by chorus #2 two times again. This process is repeated over and over and over until either the songs fades out or you change the station.

This Week’s Edition of Commentators Who Need To Go

Greg Gumbel - not because he is bad, as he actually does fine, but having the first three games of the week done by a Gumbel is too much. Bryant Gumbel on Thursday and Saturday, then Greg Gumbel on the early Sunday game is just too much to take.

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