September 27, 2004: NFL
Week 3 Commentary and Analysis
By Ahchie
Andre the Giant
The
only way the Houston Texans have a chance to win games is if they look for
wide receiver Andre Johnson. On Houston’s first three drives of the
game against the Chiefs, quarterback David Carr went 0 for 6, including an
interception in the end zone. The first drive was only sustained by K.C. penalties
and the other two drives were of the 3 and out variety. At no time did Carr
even look to hook up with primary receiver Johnson. On Houston’s fourth
drive, however, they finally looked for Andre and immediately started to move
the ball. Johnson made two catches, including an impressive 46 yarder that
took great concentration to grab. After the catch, Houston stopped looking
for Johnson and settled for a field goal. To start the second half, Houston
went back to how they started the game with two 3 and out drives that did
not even take a peek at Andre Johnson. On the third drive, however, Johnson
got involved again and Houston was able to move the ball and eventually score.
In the end, Johnson had four catches for 96 yards. Had the Texans looked to
throw to Johnson more, this game would have been decided much earlier.
Domanick
Davis, on the other hand, gained six yards on his first carry and then spent
the rest of the game getting only six more yards on nine additional carries.
He performed so poorly that he sat the bench throughout the second half. In
the first game of the season, against San Diego, Davis had 157 total yards,
and in the second game, against Detroit, Davis added another 173 total yards.
He also lost two fumbles in each of those games. Meanwhile, Andre Johnson
only had four catches for 58 yards in game one and three catches for 86 yards
in game 2. Houston lost both games in which Davis was the focal point, and
won the third game when, on key drives, Johnson finally became the target.
Commentator Spotlight: Randy Cross
Overall
Randy Cross did a fine job in his impersonation of Boomer Esiason. It is suspected
that Cross and Esiason are actually the same person and may one day be revealed
as such on the very popular usesoap.com We Are
the Same Person feature. Cross covered the standard ground during the
Houston win over Kansas City. But there was one glaring problem, which was
his insistence to introduce his own catch phrase by continually referring
to “the gob”. Multiple times went back to the gob, making sure
to remind everyone that it meant guys “getting off blocks”. Catch
phrases should be ones that are easily understood by the masses and can be
applied to everyday life. An example of an effective catch phrase is, “We
play by Bob Barker Rules,”
meaning that the closest without going over is the winner. The Bob Barker
Rules catch phrase has the bonus of having another meaning when dealing with
members of the opposite sex, as in this example, “Arnold got in trouble
because he was playing by Bob Barker Rules.”
Just Let Go
Announcers
and commentators must stop making reference to Joe Horn’s cell phone
celebration of long ago. If a clever or witty comment is escaping you, just
cover the story with your standard clichés. There is no need to reuse
the old jokes over and over. It is tired and shows a lack of creativity. In
an interview before the Saints – Rams game, Horn was introduced as the
flamboyant receiver and at the conclusion of the interview, the reporter made
a weak reference to hearing a cell phone ringing. On the Sportscenter highlights,
the latest wannabe funny man was going over the Saints overtime win and when
he came to Horn’s touchdown he says, “Hold the phone…”
and continues on to describe the score. These comments would have been acceptable
and probably humorous the week after Horn pulled the phone from under the
goal post padding, but it is no longer interesting or humorous. It is time
to just let go.
Think Before You Speak, Volume 2
Heard right after the first play from scrimmage of the Saints – Rams
game, which was an easy catch by the “flamboyant” Joe Horn, “If
they [the Rams] don’t take that away, they [the Saints] will just run
that play all day.” Unless you are the Arizona Cardinals, there is a
100% chance that the team that gave up the easy play will notice how easy
that play was and take measures to stop it. This is one of those obvious statements
that just serves as filler. It would be much better to say, “The Rams
defense just had a Captain Morgan moment
on the coverage of that play.”
Questions for Coach Martz
Mike
Martz is becoming legendary for his tendency to make horrible calls. Each
week we will pose a new question to Martz. At the end of the season we will
compile his errors into an open letter. This
week's question:
Why did you squib kick with a three point lead and about 30 seconds left in the game?
New Orleans used the great field position to their advantage and quickly moved into field goal range. They tied the game, then won in overtime.
Most Annoying Sentence Competition
Among the many submissions, the following entry has won the award for Most
Annoying Sentence by using seven words
and phrases forbidden by the BMTG:
“Hey pal, to be honest with you,
I can’t wait to see what happens, but I guess
we’ll never know because he just
blew an o-ring while sitting on the toilet
at Costco.”
Non-Football Note
John Olerud needs to lose the fielding helmet he wears while playing first
base. It looks silly. If his head is that fragile then he should be banished
to the Island of Misfit Ball Players, where he could join Jose Canseco and
Steve Howe.
Will Not Win the Super Bowl
Green Bay and Indianapolis have added themselves to the list of teams that
will not win the Super Bowl this season. While Favre (pronounced fawv-ruh)
and Manning combined for 751 passing yards and 9 touchdown passes, both teams
proved that their defense is not of the caliber that will sustain them in
the play offs.
Owner Spotlight: Al Davis
Al
Davis did not appear to be very happy that Tim Brown came back to Oakland
and caught his 100th career touchdown while playing for Oakland East. After
Brown scored and the normally angry crowd gave him a nice ovation, Davis was
seen scowling while shaking his head. It is suspected that Davis may be the
only living being to truly have ice running through his veins. It would have
been much more enjoyable to see more of the Hurricane Bowl between Pittsburgh
and Miami.
Michael Irvin Update
Much
to the satisfaction of the BMTG, Michael Irvin continues to show no signs
of being racist. However, he did kiss Steve Young on the face, which, while
it may put the racism question to rest, raises a whole new set of questions.
Young looked a little shocked, but did not seem too upset as Irvin grabbed
his face and planted one firmly on his cheek. If this sick behavior continues,
the ESPN Sunday Football Countdown show will no longer be supported by the
BMTG.
Fantasy Notes
In
the record books the best trade of the season thus far goes to Brother Nature
for releasing Rich Gannon and signing Daunte Culpepper. The move netted The
Black Wraiths an incredible 534 points as Gannon went down early with an injury
and Culpepper continued his stellar season. By the numbers, this may stand
up for the entire season as the single best fantasy move. However, further
inspection reveals that this is a trade that never would have been necessary
if Mr. Nature had started the season with Culpepper, as nearly every other
owner would have done. Gannon was coming off a sub-par season last year and
was a bit of an unknown because of that, while Culpepper was expected to put
up the numbers he has thus far. To be fair and to give Brother Nature credit,
Gannon performed quite well in the first two weeks and while he could not
keep up with Culpepper, he was outperforming Brother Nature’s other
sentimental favorite, The Scarecrow from St. Louis. Culpepper’s three-week
total stands at 1,499, while Gannon’s total is 587 and Scarecrow is
at 963, after an impressive week 3.
Throcksmorton
continues to impose sanctions on himself by not making any trades for his
own team and for BMTG #1, which is under his control for the first four weeks
of the season. Going for the Mismanagement of the Year Award, Throcksmorton
showed tremendous faith in the Green Bay defense, as they faced a red hot
Indianapolis offense. The end result is a negative 250-point beating for Team
Throck’s defense and the largest margin of the season for any team between
their best option and their actual choice. In this case, Throcksmorton could
have had the New York Giants defense, which at 315 points, makes for a difference
of 565 points. Those 565 points would have put Throcksmorton in first place
going into Monday night’s Washington – Dallas game. Not leaving
the mismanagement to only his own team, Throck decided to let Tom Brady stay
on BMTG #1 through New England’s bye week, while the best option would
have been Brad Johnson, who ended up with 402 points against a soft Oakland
defense. With those two non-moves, Throcksmorton can proudly claim the two
largest point differences so far between a player on the roster and the top
performer not on the roster.