June 20, 2006: Ivory-Billed Madness
By White Russian

1935 Photo by Dr. James T. Tanner

Hey everybody, there is a chance that the ivory-billed woodpecker, thought to be extinct for 60 years, has managed to survive, despite the wanton destruction of its habitat. This possibility has caused such delight in bird lovers that they actually achieve orgasm just thinking about it, and the federal government has agreed to pony up wads of cash to protect the habitats where it might be living, even though the bird has apparently survived for so many years without their direct intervention. There have been people in every decade that claimed to have seen one, but the ivory-billed fever has intensified exponentially in recent years.

A timeline:

1999
In April, an LSU student claims to see a pair of ivory-billed woodpeckers at close range in the Pearl River Wildlife Management Area in southeastern Louisiana. Naturally, subsequent searches are fruitless, so it is decided that a “systematic, intensive search of the area is imperative.” So the Carl Zeiss Optical corporation sponsors such a search to take place in January of 2002.

2002
In January, after the systematic and intensive search that was the result of the 1999 sighting claim, the team is unable to find any ivory-billed woodpeckers, though they report that they saw evidence of woodpecker activity (more extensive bark scaling of dead trees than they’ve seen before) and they record audio of woodpeckers tapping on trees (much louder than what they’ve heard before). They note that parts of the wildlife area would be a nice place for an ivory-billed woodpecker to live. The ultimate conclusion, big surprise here, is that the bird might be there and more searching is needed.

2004
In February, a man claims to see an ivory-billed woodpecker in Arkansas. This brings in a flood of experts trying to see it for themselves. Throughout the year and into 2005, about seven people claim to see the bird. None of the sightings are made public until April of 2005.

2005
In April, the announcement of the rediscovery of the ivory-billed woodpecker is made, with four seconds of blurry video taken in April of 2004 being offered as the definitive evidence that the bird still exists. The most devoted of followers become quite dramatic. Dr. Tim Gallagher, editor of Living Bird, who claims he saw the bird a month after the initial sighting, says, “It’s like a funeral shroud has been pulled back, giving us a glimpse of a living bird, rising Lazarus-like from the grave.” Frank Gill, of the Audubon Society said, “This is huge, just huge. It is kind of like finding Elvis.” On the heels of the announcement, Interior Secretary Gale Norton and Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns commit $10.2 million to launch the recovery effort for the Ivory-billed Woodpecker ($4.5 million through the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, $5 million from the Natural Resources Conservation Service, the Farm Service Agency, and the U.S. Forest Service, and $500,000 from the U.S. Geological Survey.)

In September, $2.4 million in federal duck stamp money is used to buy 1,800 acres of wildlife refuge to specifically protect the ivory-billed woodpecker habitat.

2006
In January, the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission features the ivory-billed woodpecker on its 2006 conservation license plate. Funds raised through license plate sales go to conservation scholarships and conservation education.

In February, the federal government’s budget proposed for 2007 includes more than $2.1 million for help in the recovery efforts of the ivory-billed woodpecker.

In March, two papers are published in the journal Science that challenge the video evidence. It turns out that there really is no concrete proof that one has been seen. Some experts say the video is proof enough, while others say the video quality is so poor that the bird could be a pileated woodpecker, which is similar to the ivory-billed woodpecker, and is very common, while the ivory-billed variety is supposed to be extinct.

The problem is that the 2004 sighting is being reported as a confirmed sighting by numerous news outlets, and government agencies are pouring money into protecting the bird based on limited evidence. But how can it be a confirmed sighting when the limited evidence is so sketchy and questioned by experts in the field? The Audubon Watchlist at least acknowledges the shakiness of the evidence, reporting, “Only one bird was seen in Arkansas 2004 and 2005. The bird was videotaped and seen by seven or so people. However, the identity of the bird in the videotape has been questioned. In addition, there are sound recordings of birds nearby that are far enough away to be separate individuals. However, these sound recordings cannot be definitively assigned to Ivory-billed Woodpecker. The search continues in Arkansas and in other parts of the bird’s range.”

Before the “confirmed” 2004 sighting, the last accepted sighting was in 1944.

So, the only evidence produced, after the systematic and intensive month-long search in Louisiana in 2002 and all the searches and claims throughout 2004 and 2005 in Arkansas, is inconclusive. There are claims by individuals, sound recordings, and four seconds of fuzzy video. With the technology of today and the number of bird lovers out there looking for it, you would think there would be conclusive evidence gathered. Of all those people searching with that one bird in mind, no one was able to even take a snapshot. What happens when Joe Bird Lover hears the news that the long lost ivory-billed woodpecker might be out there – does he just get so excited and run out of his house in his robe and roadrunner slippers to look for the bird and forget his camera? It is understandable that there are times when maybe you are wandering the forest and might not be quite ready and miss the opportunity to capture the thing on film, but every single person searching has been unable to get even one picture.

Imagine you are one of these bird freaks and you’ve heard about this extinct bird that has survived despite all the filth that is spewed out by the evil human race. You go in knowing full well that this Elvis bird is so rare that you better be ready if you actually see it. You are so fired up that you have multiple cameras ready at all times – no matter what you are doing. You have the highest quality cameras and you have such great reflexes that you can take a picture of anything at a moments notice. You could be relieving yourself in your trusty Travel John (because you don’t want to poison the forest with your own waste) and you would still be ready to get that million-dollar image.

And all anyone can come up with is a few seconds of video that has been deemed by some experts to be inconclusive due to its poor quality.

The last time this much commotion was caused from a fuzzy video was when Bigfoot was supposedly captured on film. And though many believe that the 16-second video was a hoax, there are enough people out there who still think it is real and continue the fruitless search. Like the search for the ivory-billed woodpecker, there are lots of sightings and other evidence, but nothing conclusive. Good thing the federal government wasn’t persuaded to plunge millions of dollars into preserving the homeland of the sasquatches.

Apparently even common woodpeckers can be difficult to find when on a bird search. So why bother? What is so great about them anyway? It’s a freaking bird that slams its beak against trees. So what? Woody Woodpecker never achieved the same status as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. The reason is that woodpeckers, after initially being interesting, quickly wear out their welcome and just become annoying. And you know something else? Woodpeckers don’t give a crap about us. The ivory-billed woodpecker is not from some ancient civilization reaching out to make contact. Wouldn’t we all be better off (and the government would have more money to waste) if the guy in 1999 and the guy in 2004 had just spotted the bird, shot it down, cooked it up for breakfast, and went along his way?

And in the end, after you strip away all this nonsense, what is really at the root of this craze is that the Bigfoot crowd just enjoys saying “sasquatch” and the bird lovers just enjoy saying “woodpecker.” And it is this very mentality that has brought us such clever names for animals as the cockroach, the sperm whale, and the titmouse (which is a bird). In fact they have had so much fun with the various species in the tit family that there are more than 50 variations, including the Great Tit, the Blue Tit, the Cinnamon-breasted Tit, the Siberian Tit, the Rufous-vented Tit, the Dusky Tit, the Japanese Tit, and the Elegant Tit, just to name a few.

Perhaps I just don’t understand the craze because I’ve never seen an ivory-billed woodpecker in person. Perhaps if I actually did see it, I would be overwhelmed by its beauty and majesty and would instantly become an ivory-billed woodpecker activist. Perhaps…but I doubt it.

There are just two questions I would like to see answered. The first is “How do they taste?” and the second is “Would Brother Nature participate if he had the opportunity to go down in history as being the person to eat the last bite of the last of the ivory-billed woodpeckers?”

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