"I’m not a hypochondriac – I’m just very cognizant of my body."
     Sandman

"What’s the point of having a wagon if you don’t have any crap?"
     Tin Man

"It don't matter to me?"
     Tin Man, when informed there was no door on the bathroom

"He's like a baby trying to talk..."
     The Diesel, regarding Ron Artest post game interview
"...put a pacifier in his rump."
     Sandman

"I thought you'd be Vagio."
     White Russian to Sandman

"It pleased the eye without arresting it!"
     Dick Button, on Silverstein/O'Meara free skate, 2006 Winter Olympics

"Well, I’m getting ready for my trip to South America."
     Byron Douglas, Scream of the Wolf
"I thought you were going to Africa."
     John Wetherby
"South America is better. Less familiar. More demanding."
     Byron Douglas

"The animals I kill are never more alive than in that instant before my bullet strikes them."
     Byron Douglas, Scream of the Wolf

"…I’m gonna straddle your head for a minute."
     Brother Nature

"It stuck to my hand."
     Brother Nature
"It stuck to your ass."
     Sandman

"You know what they should've done with Rosa Parks, they should have chopped off her head."
   Sandman, as an alternative to placing her body in the Rotunda

"The more you suck, the more you suck."
   Tin Man
"Until you choke."
   White Russian

"His name should be Encyclopedia Brown."
   Brother Nature, referring to Tin Man
"Why?"
   Sandman
"Because he knows everything."
   Brother Nature

"GRIZZ - LE!"
   Sandman
"GRIZZ - LE!"
   White Russian
"GRIZZ - LE!"
   Brother Nature
"grizz - ah?"
   Tin Man

"Have you ever seen a robot that needed a splint?"
     Diesel

"Hit the ground running with a thong, sweetheart."
     Throcksmorton

"I’m the black guy – I thought that was Throck."
     Diesel

"I was hauling a barnyard of pigs the day and by the time I got home I couldn’t smell my own feet."
     Crazy Diner Guy, Breaker! Breaker!

"It’s not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."
     Brad Miller, while still on the Indiana Pacers

"Ashley Simpson is the Billy Carter of our generation."
     Throcksmorton

"Don't shave that shaggy mess until we fill our hulls."
     Humanoids From the Deep

"Blue fishy."
     Jim Hill, Humanoids From the Deep

"Who's dirty?"
     Cola, from Bacardi and Cola

"How about if I arc some strudel on your nostril"
     According to Throcksmorton, what Philadelphia 76'ers super sub Kyle Korver should have said to a female reporter after he won game 89-88 with last second shot. After a couple of questions in which Korver supplied casual responses, she asked him if he ever got very excited, prompting Throck to speak up for him.

"I just can't stop using my hands!"
     Congo, Street Heat 1999

"Although sleep is king, going back to the womb is a whole new level."
     Throcksmorton

"They're blowing this way out of proportion."
     Brother Nature on the news coverage of the Dave Matthews 800 gallon waste dump that landed directly on top of a large group of people out on a cruise.

"That's a fat wad.."
     Brother Nature

"They don't have a good bathroom to do coke in."
     David Van Patten, American Psycho

"I want you to wash your vagina."
     Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

"Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it."
     Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

"Oh no beautiful, you know steak has too many calories."
     Tom Hart to the secretary, The Choppers

"Nice monkey."
     Yolo County Fair carney to The Diesel

"What's a poo-poo duty?"
     The Diesel

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me, to copulate me."
     Andre Dawson, on being a role model, The Official Major League Baseball Calendar (August 7/8, 2004)

"He was a stunt double for Chris Burke on Life Goes On."
     Throcksmorton referring to Jason Grabowski of the Los Angeles Dodgers

"I love watching pitchers hit, they're so funny - they suck."
     Throcksmorton, exactly 7 seconds before Kazuhisa Ishii hit his first career home run and the first ever home run by a pitcher at Petco Park.

"At 2 AM I decided to get a nose trimmer."
     The Diesel

"A brain without a heart, a conscience without recognition, a will without a soul."
     Captain Coldyron, R.O.T.O.R.

"I'm like a cemetary, I'll take anybody."
     Man-chick with a gray mohawk, R.O.T.O.R.

"I'll make more noise than two skeltons making love in a tin coffin."
     Captain Coldyron, R.O.T.O.R.

"Look at you, you look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole."
     Captain Coldyron, R.O.T.O.R.

"Some days you wake up as Rodney King."
     The Diesel

"Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass"
     Pedro Martinez

"You hit it on the donut."
     Janey K.

"Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!"
     Taylor (Chuck Heston), Planet of the Apes

"C. Joseph Jones, a laborer."
    How Mets infielder Cleon Jones identified himself to police in St. Petersberg, Florida, when they discovered him in a van naked, with a teenage girl and a stash of narcotics. (From the Major League Baseball daily desk calendar)

"Here is a solution to the Roger Clemens hat problem: let him enter the Hall of Fame wearing a dunce cap."
    Archie, spokesman for Red Sox Nation on the Remy Report, June 23rd, 2003.

"Dmitri Young says, 'If I had known there were three dongs in my pants, I wouldn't have let him borrow them.'"
    May 26, 2003: Detroit Tigers announcer Rod Allen mis-quoting Dmitri Young. Young was asked his reaction to Carlos Pena's three homer outburst while using Young's oversized pants in a 10-9 loss to Clevelend on May 19th. Young's actual quote was: "If I'd known there were three home runs in those pants, I would have kept them myself."

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species."
     Narrator, Fight Club

"Matt Stairs - you know he farted when he landed."
     Throcksmorton

"Thank you for callin'. What can Mother Love do for you?"
     The Diesel

"He's not in the bottle."
     Ahchie to Brother Nature, on the location of Brother Nature's lost dog

"Southern Rock - that's just crap."
     The Diesel (perfect example is Black Water by the Doobie Brothers)

"Dear Mother Nature: Drop Dead"
     Bridge graffiti on Legacy of Blood

"I don't wanna die without any scars."
     Tyler Durden, Fight Club

"Get your head out of the sand, Brother Nature."
     Rainman to Brother Nature

"One of the do-gooders was a long-hair."
     The Diesel, 28 Days Later

"I want to see the guy get eaten by the T-Rex."
     Congo, on why he refused to give his full attention to answering why he thought the A-Rod deal was good for baseball.

"Until you start eatin' meat..."
     New standard reply when Congo asks why something is happening to him.

"Look at that - no long hair is going to make it in space."
     The Diesel, referring to the unrealistic nature of Aerosmith's tacky appearance in the Space Shuttle on the one year anniversary of the Space Shuttle Columbia's tragic explosion.

"Not too good, guys in the orange uniforms."
     Dan Dierdorf, Super Bowl 22

"Say what? They're all going to work. They still don't give a damn."
     Keith Jackson, regarding the fans in Beijing, China, Super Bowl 22

"I'm at 69 and I'm coming."
     Rainman

"You can almost imagine that guy on the end with no pants on."
     The Diesel, a.k.a Suart Symphony

"C'mon baby, it'll do ya good."
     Otis the Drunk look-alike Manon, played by Lon Chaney, Jr., offering moonshine to a shaken Joyce Webster, played by Beverly Garland, who had just tripped over a fake alligator in the pouring rain and escaped to the safety of Manon's bayou hideaway.

"Can't you see we're menacing someone?"
     T.J. to Gabriel, Chrome and Hot Leather

"What the hell-o!"
     Congo, Road Rage

"I don't even know where to begin thinking."
     Congo, If you could ask Saddam Hussein one question...

"You look like Bill Walton in a gorilla suit."
     Teammate to Coolidge, White Shadow

"Don't do it, Gravy"
    Sexologist, whenever talking to a woman who is about to harm herself.

clearing throat
    Harry Caray

"If you don't know me by now. . ."
    Gil, Public Access Man

"I've seen men rape an old crippled woman in a wet ditch."
    Zed, Zardoz

"He didn't know whether to sweat or vomit."
    Jerry Reynolds

"How fast can that thing move?"
    Masten Thrust, referring to T-Rex in lumbering pursuit
"An estimated three, ah, four miles an hour."
    Chuck Wade
"We'll never make it across. We've got to stop it here."
    Masten Thrust, while at one side of a river that is about 2 feet deep

"Help me cut the choice meats."
    Yor to Pag, Yor

"Kiss me quickly, my gods are calling me."
    Roa to Yor, Yor

"Wait, wait, I pulled someone's hair out."
    Masten, Street Heat

"...the only worm associated with her fell out of her ass."
    Rainman (a.k.a. Sexologist)

"[Clemens] is the pointy end of a douche."
    Rainman

"Carl is basically a male Judge Judy."
    Masten

"Coffy is Scottie Pippen with breasts."
    Rainman

"I would like my shirt in Padre brown and yellow."
    Masten
"Why would you like a shirt in those colors? So no one can tell when you do your spastic shit and piss?"
    Congo

"Oh, it's a magical, moveable trashbag."
     Congo to Masten after trashbag causes spill

"Basically you're an animal."
    DQ, on the unemployed and homeless

"Don't stump your job."
    DQ

"That's my sister, baby. And she's a whole lotta woman."
    Link, Foxy Brown

"All I need to get in the mood, is to get the girl in the nude."
    Nipsey Russell

"Mr. Jack will break your back. . ."
    Simms, Jacko

"Ready to roll?"
    Gil, Public Access Man, at Taco Bell (years before 9/11/2001)

"They call me Panic, because I never do."
    Panic (Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air), Ticks

"I have never seen bone fragments. . .like this. . .before."
    scientist, Reptilicus

"That's a dead Ricky Schroeder!"
    Congo

"Hey Big Brother, how's your ass?"
    Chuck Heston looking at himself in the mirror, Omega Man

"This one's for Snubby"
    Peter McNeeley

"He's a butt-pirate."
    Lee Harvey Reptilicus

"I wanna know the connection between the Nazis and the elves."
    Dan Haggerty, Elves

"Let's get outta here!"
    Archie, Monster in the Closet

"You can't piss on hospitality!"
    Farmer Waites, Troll II

"I never mix business with pleasure, except in a 3 to 1 ratio."
    Howard Brunswick, Coffy

"Yes, sir, the big boy is sleeping like a kitten."
    Leroy the Sailor, A*P*E

"Evacuate the city. Do not bring any valuables, they will only slow you down."
    U. S. Army to Country of Korea, A*P*E

"Let's see him dance for his organ grinder now."
    Colonel Davis, A*P*E

"Who's gonna clean up the monkey?"
    Congo (a.k.a. Flying Hippie, a.k.a. Charlie Jingles (street name))

"Is he sick, or did he just piss in the bed?"
    Zack, Hell Up in Harlem

"Old people have few friends, Miss Christophe."
    Reverend, The House on Skull Mountain

"I don't even know what color I am."
    Dr. Andrew Cunningham, The House on Skull Mountain

"What do you want, a bone with your mama's name inscribed on it?"
    Lorena Christophe to Dr. Cunningham, The House on Skull Mountain

"You're pretty husky, aren't ya?"
     Cy Miller (Raymond Burr) to Joey Matthews, Gorilla at Large

"Are you sure you're not just a little black?"
    Coffy

"You wanna bring a knife to the fight? Good, I need one. You wanna bring a gun? Good, I'll take that too."
    former hit man

"What would Betty Davis be doing if she were alive today? ...She'd be scratching at the lid of her coffin."
    Guest Host on the Art Bell Radio Show

"Rattlesnakes have bit me, then crawled off and died."
    The Human Tornado

"Don't get your hair in a bun."
    Masten to Congo

"Kinda lame if you have to bunt your way on."
   Congo, after Dave Roberts of L.A. hit a leadoff bunt for a single

"They don't sell malts up there."
   Congo, after looking at a grand total of 2 concession stands

"The concession guy is a 45 year old man and a moron."
   Congo, after buying an all-beef hot dog

"I say let's jet on up to the front and join the bottleneck at the tip of the bottle."
   Archie, on how to get out of busy parking lots

"I've had a grumpsicle brewin' all day, but she's a bashful one."
   Rainman

"Congo's backside looks like Billy Idol's smile."
     Masten, during Nascar Thunder 2003

"I've seen better art on a used cotex."
     Lady Cocoa

"I don't care if you're black, green, orange, lemon, or banana."
     Ramses, Lady Cocoa

"You're out of my league. I work standing up, not on my back."
     Diana "TNT" Jackson, TNT Jackson

"I'm Snow White with a sun tan."
     Diana "TNT" Jackson, TNT Jackson

"Four, with a pooper chaser."
     Rainman, counting the number of looks the gay man made at the camel toe

"Later."
    Congo