BMTG Founder and President, The Diesel, is also the resident BMTG Movie Critic. Here can be found all of Diesel's reviews, as well as guest reviews by other BMTG members.
28 Days Later (2002)
Alligator People, The (1959)
Amazing Transparent Man, The (1960)
American Psycho (2000)
Black Mama, White Mama (1972)
Breaker! Breaker! (1977)
Bright Lights, Big City (1988)
Cabin Fever (2002)
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
Choppers, The (1961)
Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)
Deadly Eyes (1982)
Death Wish I through V (1974 to 1994)
Death Wish I through
V - A Study of the Super Hero Characteristics of Kersey's Vigilante
Diesel's Eye Surgery, The (2004)
Don't Open Till Christmas (1985)
Doomsday (2008) 
Fight Club (1999)
From Beyond the Grave (1975)
Gorilla at Large (1954)
Green Street Hooligans (2005)
Happy Days - Demolition Derby/Fonzie Loves
Pinkie (1976)
Human Tornado, The (1976)
Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
In the Year 2889 (1967)
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Island of Dr. Moreau, The (1977)
Jack Frost (1997)
Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a Jack-o (1995)
Jamaica: ER
Karachi Kops: Gang of Four
King Kong (2005)
Lady Cocoa (1975)
Last Dinosaur, The (1977)
Legacy of Blood (1978)
Man in the Brown Suit, The (1989)
Minnesota vs. Lakers Playoff Game #3, Final
Quarter and Overtime (2003)
Mister Scarface (1976)
Orloff Against the Invisible Man (1971)
Psychomania (1971)
R.O.T.O.R. (1989)
Scream of the Wolf (1974)
Severed Arm, The (1973)
Snowbeast (1977)
Spiders (2000)
TNT Jackson (1975)
Unholy Rollers (1972)
White Shadow (Coolidge wants to go pro)
White Zombie (1932)
Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon
Zardoz (1974)
# - C | D - H | I - K | L - R | S - Z
Review
by The Diesel
 |
The first three minutes of this movie are by far the scariest and not for the squeamish as it has a full frontal hog and man ass to spare. After that, it becomes a delightful hybrid of Outbreak and Dawn of the Dead. While the British may have supposedly once ruled the seas, and thereby the world, they have since devolved into suckling whiners who are incapable of helping themselves. During the Revolutionary War they were soundly beaten by Double-A equivalent American soldiers, World War II saw the United States come to their rescue as the War Machine blitzed London into rubble, and now we witness "The Rage" decimate their little country. A nude monkey man is awakened from a coma to find out that he is one of the few remaining survivors of a blood disease that causes humans to go mad with "The Rage" and kill each other. Once infected, the onset of the disease is full blown in only a few seconds and the infected person is looking for others to bite, claw, spit copious amounts of blood into their face, and finally to eat.
Monkey man joins a few other survivors to take a cross country road trip to find more survivors and any copies of the Page3 Girl that he can get his hands on (see FREE STUFF list). They end up at Euro Graceland where the last British soldiers on earth are having a blue-balls party. Once monkey man avoids an assassination he wreaks havoc John Rambo style, kills the soldiers, and takes his two ladies to the country to party until the zombies cool down.
Things noticed during the movie: Monkey man looks at his dead mom's panties, Congo's jungle love was not as good looking as monkey man's, and the British prefer placing coma patients nude on top of the covers. P.S. Very good movie.
Free
Stuff British Monkey Man Got in 28 Days Later:
Review
by The Diesel
 |
Due to Congo taping only half of the movie, this movie was started during Festival 32 and completed during Festival 38 (Eight days short of one year apart). The long delay did not dampen enthusiasm for the only movie ever to inspire a BMTG Festival question: What would you wear if you were a gator person? Diesel: authentic football jersey & comfortable shorts, Congo: trench coat, Rainman: terry cloth robe, and Archie: nothing.
The fiancée of a rich bayou boy, believed to be dead, comes to Cajun country only to discover that her love is alive but has turned gator. While the gator man looks fairly dapper in his trench coat, his scaly face and funny looking hands make it difficult for him to mingle with the upper crust. Manon, the equivilant to a Crocodile Dundee of the swamp, makes a strong-armed advance on the fiancée after saving her from mouth-clamped alligators and rubber snakes. Fiancée has no interest in the drunken backwoods Romeo and thrashes about his love shack until saved by her gator man.
The story ends in sorrow, as Manon destroys the laser that is the last ditch effort to return the gator-man to human form (at least the parts that would show outside of a turtleneck and khakis). The half-baked result is a Slee Stak type head, complete with bendable rubber nose that sends him rampaging blindly through the woods. Thinking safety last, he falls into a small, yet deep, puddle of quicksand. Despite the buoyancy of his huge rubber nose he sinks to the bottom and calls it a day.
Amazing Transparent Man, The (1960)
Review
by The Diesel
Again, radioactivity causes more harm than good. A backwoods genius, with no aptitude for feng shui in his laboratory, has discovered a method to transform a normal guinea pig into an invisible one. The next logical step was to make a human invisible. Though the search for an appropriate candidate did not take on an American Idol type elimination process, the final selection was obviously the best choice. A lifetime criminal with a quick temper and love for concealed weapons was the candidate for invisibility. The criminal subject, once reluctant to expose himself to massive doses of radiation, is quickly convinced to do so after he watches in amazement the transformation of the firmly strapped in guinea pig. Massive lead rooms with peepholes are obviously an unnecessary precaution for this homemade nuclear power plant.
Unfortunately, like all invisible people stories this one gets stalled. After the predetermined invisible man "escape", looting, and soft groping, there is nothing left to do until they think of a way to trick the invisible man into getting caught. After a few moments of people getting choked or punched by an imaginary invisible gangster, the movie was turned off without any dissention from the peanut gallery.
Review
by Sandman
 |
Christian Bale stars as Patrick Bateman. Bateman is a serial killer who terrorizes call girls, homeless people, and models. Bateman doesn’t look the role of a mad man. He is a Wall Street executive with impeccable taste, eating at only the finest and exclusive New York eateries – such as Dorsia. He has a secret…his desire to kill. Bateman is a mad man who is able to balance his lust for murder and his Wall Street VP job at Pierce and Pierce until he kills his colleague, Paul Allen, played by Jared Leto. Bateman kills Leto by bashing his skull in with an axe to the rhythm of Huey Lewis and the News – Hip To Be Square. Bateman also has an epic three way romp with two call girls…one he dubs Sabrina. This scene hits a crescendo when Bateman is getting his swerve on with the call girls to the musical styling of Phil Collins. Willem Defoe plays Mr. Kimball; a private investigator hired by Paul Allen’s family to investigate his disappearance. The exchange between Bateman and Kimball is incredible. In an effort to get out from under Kimball’s questioning Bateman tells Kimball that he is meeting a friend for lunch…the friend’s name – Cliff Huxtable. Although the character of Kimball is bumbling, Kimball is tenacious in his effort to track down the killer.
One of the most interesting scenes is when Bateman describes his morning workout/personal hygiene regime. He explains that he uses a myriad of beauty products to maintain his looks and does 1,000 crunches (modified sit-ups) every morning. He uses over three different kinds of moisturizers and beauty products every day. Batmeman has an encyclopedic knowledge of music. He loves Whitney Houston and Phil Collins, explaining that the song Invisible Touch speaks of the “intangibility of love.” All told this is a must see. Christian Bale portrays this mad man perfectly.
Review
by The Diesel
 |
In terms of California Governor votes, Cruz Bustamante’s role in this Afro-Oriental action movie proved to be much more damaging than Arnold’s quarter century of groping. In one pivotal scene, Cruz is loaded out of his taco, lying half naked on a beanbag, while he personally orchestrates a nipple electrocution. Even the most loyal of Bustamante supporters has to be troubled by this type of behavior and come to the realization that he is one bad burrito.
The movie opens with a lengthy view through a multiracial female prison shower glory hole. This scene single handedly made this one of the Sexologist's favorites (Also see Invasion of the Bee Women). Long standing rumors of Pam Grier’s unidentical breasts were validated when she came out of a port-a-potty without a shirt. Ms. Grier is indeed misshapen on one side yet she remained vigilant and exposed her boom booms as much as possible.
Review
by White Russian
Simplistic
and mildly compelling story about trucker J.D. Dawes (Chuck Norris), who calls
upon his fellow truckers to help rescue his little brother from an extreme
and over the top speed trap. Breaker! Breaker! manages to strike that delicate
balance between trying to be a real movie and ending up being unintentionally
ridiculous. It is not a balance one can purposely try for, because when it
has been tried it ends up obvious and forced and thus does not work. Breaker!
Breaker! has that certain something that causes a bad movie to be enjoyable
and fun to watch.
Breaker!
Breaker! actually shares a quality that can also be found in Meet Joe Black,
in that this is a movie that you can fall sleep in the middle of and when
you wake up you realize you haven’t missed all that much. In Meet Joe
Black, you can doze off and wake up to find that Mr. Black is still talking
to William Parrish and preparations are still going on for the party and,
after a quick nap during Breaker! Breaker! you will find that little brother
Billy is still in trouble and J.D. is still preparing for the dramatic rescue.
Like watching a game broadcast by Vin Scully, within two minutes you feel
that you are up to speed with whatever you may have missed.
The speed trap in question is located in Texas City, California. This town is obviously a fake movie set, as little effort was made to make it look like it was a real town with real buildings that had more than one wall. The town has a look of a visit to Universal Studios where you get to witness a staged gunfight amongst the building facades. Interestingly, the Texas City speed trap resembles a modern day speed trap in Memphis, Texas, and it is likely that they both began operations around the same time.
While
Texas City ultimately failed, thanks to Norris and his trucker friends, Memphis
has adapted to the times and thrived. In Memphis, after you have been guided
to the courthouse by the sheriff, you get to deal with the down to earth Justice
of the Peace Tippett, who uses his friendly Texas demeanor to explain to people
from out of state how they can get on their way without any more trouble.
If you’re lucky, the honorable Tippett will entertain you with stories
of shootin’ coyotes while sittin’ on his porch late at night.
In keeping with modern day conveniences, Memphis has an ATM machine located
across the street from the courthouse, where you can pay a modest fee of $1.50
to use the machine to get enough money to make the whole issue go away nice
and neatly. Once Tippett is done with you, you feel that he didn’t want
to take money from someone as nice you, and you leave feeling okay about the
whole thing, until you later piece everything together and realize that you
have just been the victim of the slickest, most efficient speed trap around.
The Texas City sheriff will also guide you to the courthouse, but instead of Tippett, victims get to deal with the drunk and abusive Judge Trimmings. Severe consequences are in store for anyone who does not immediately pay Trimmings, and young Billy is the latest to join the long line of the judge’s victims. After an ill-advised and hot-headed reaction, Billy finds himself locked up in jail.
When
the moment is finally right, J.D. and his trucker friends invade the fake
town and use their 18 wheelers to herd people like cattle back and forth from
one end of town to the other and back again. They plow through building fronts
that clearly have no other walls, and soon fires are raging out of control.
The obligatory final fight sequence has nothing spectacular – just slow
motion shots of Norris jumping with his leg sticking out as he kicks his foe
in the chest and sends him flying backwards. Even considering that this movie
was made back in 1977, for being what is supposed to be the climactic moment,
it is very dull, and therefore highly comical.
The most disturbing scenes were the two too affectionate moments between J.D. and his little brother, Billy. There was one at the beginning, when the brothers are shown rolling around together amongst the dirt bike mounds. And the second is at the end, when J.D. caresses his little brother’s face a little too tenderly.
Bright Lights, Big City (1988)
Review
by Sandman
This movie was made in 1988 and is based on the book of the same title written by Jay McInerney. The film stars Michael J. Fox, Kiefer Sutherland, Swoosie Kurtz, and Phoebe Cates. It was directed by James Bridges.
The
film takes place in New York City in present day (1988). Fox plays the character
Jamie Conway. Conway is a wanna-be writer toiling as a fact checker for Gotham
magazine. Conway's life is a wreck. His wife Amanda, played by Phoebe Cates,
is a fashion model who has just left him. His mom, played by Dianne Wiest,
has lost her battle with cancer, and his performance on the job has plummeted.
Conway tries to dull the pain in his life by using cocaine, or as he calls
it, “The Bolivian Marching Powder.” He parties at New York City
night clubs all during the week with his friend, Tad Allagash, played by Kiefer
Sutherland. All Allagash and Conway want to do is chase women and do coke,
lots of it. Every night after work Conway and Allagash go out to night clubs
and party to the wee hours of the morning.
The movie takes a softer turn when Allagash asks Conway a favor. The favor is to take his cousin Vicky out. The character of Vicky is played by Tracy Pollan – Fox's now current wife. The two have a great evening, talking about their jobs and they really hit it off good. Vicky and Conway talk about their parents and when asked about his, Conway says that his parents have been together for 40 years, not wanting to mention his mother's recent death. Their date ends in a nice kiss that shows that maybe Conway's luck is about to turn.
Conway's luck though doesn't turn, it gets even worse. While fact checking a piece for the French National elections he gets a call by Allagash. The two go out even though Conway is buried in work. Conway does an awful job of fact checking and is called into his supervisor's office. Conway is told that the French piece is a disaster and that in the history of Gotham magazine there has only been one printed retraction. He is summarily fired.
An important part of the film occurs when Conway sees a mannequin of Amanda in a window. He does some detective work and learns that Amanda is in town and she is modeling at an upcoming fashion show. Allagash uses his connections as a photographer and gets Conway tickets. Conway sees his wife walk down the runway and tries to get on stage, yelling, “I want answers, I want to know why!” Conway is then thrown out of the fashion show and heads home.
Conway
returns home to find his brother waiting for him. Conway finally tells his
brother that Amanda has left him. His brother goes on to tell him that he
never really liked Amanda and that the only reason he came to New York was
to remind him of the one year anniversary of the spreading of their mother's
ashes. With his brother's pressing Conway agrees to come home for this.
The phone then rings and it is Allagash. He tells Conway that he is at a party and Amanda is there - and that she isn't alone. She is with someone who is going to “make her a star.” Conway goes to this party and meets up with Amanda. She asks him, “How's it going.” Conway responds, “How's it going?!” He starts to cough and laugh at the ridiculousness of her question and his nose starts to bleed from all the coke he has been doing. He runs into the bathroom to clean up and notices a phone. He calls Vicky. He tells her that he didn't mention that his mother died during their date and felt it important she knew that. Vicky lends a kind and sympathetic ear. Conway leaves the bathroom and tells Allagash and Amanda that they would make a great couple and leaves the party. Along with the call to Vicky and the barb to Amanda and Allagash it is clear that Conway wants to slow his life down.
I would recommend this movie to anyone who likes to see movies about life and the human condition. This movie shows that there are definitely high highs and low lows in life. I would recommend this movie to anyone who can analyze relationships for what they are. Amanda, Conway's wife, leaves him, Allagash, Conway's friend, seems to only want him around to party and do drugs.
Review
by Brother Nature
 |
A must see. This film belongs on any top 25 if not top 10 list. Classic storyline of a group of college students on a getaway to the woods. But who could have foreseen such a fantastic display of predictable situations taking surprising turns. There is no blood shortage in this flick. Perfect Fall setting in a back-woods location for multiple murders. This time it is not some whack job but a bacterial disease that has the upper hand. There are a number of predictable scenes that cause you to have the much-desired reaction of “Why is he…?” but they take very surprising turns. This movie does not slow down. A little disappointed in the bathtub scene, much more was expected, but the film has many other touches to stay on track such as the change to all red at two key points in the film. Very effective use. Special props to Dennis for his fine acting performance who gets to do his Kung Fu in slow motion.
This was a pretty intense film with a major theatrical release feel. Just imagine how intense this would have been if it was an independent film! Also noted no unnecessary major explosions or unnecessary car chases. There is an old pickup/jeep chase scene that is relevant in the movie. However this also did contain one of the two continuity errors that I noticed (the old pickup was right behind the jeep going down the highway, but in the next scene when the jeep came to a stop off-road, it was several seconds before the old pickup showed up, perhaps the old pickup was delayed because now they were off-road, and the other error happened in the scene when the token moron/tough guy starts the jeep and begins to show signs of the disease and begins to spit up blood, in one shot he has blood on his chin and when he turns his head in the next shot there is no blood on his chin). Very minor errors that could be explained away. Definitely did not take away from this film to any degree. And of course the film ends with style as a semi truck drives away from the small town where this all took place with a trailer full of (diseased) fresh spring water. Fantastic addition to my film library.
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
Review
by White Russian
 |
After
an onslaught of zombie movies that were all fairly similar, the BMTG made
the determination that zombie movies are only worthy of being feature length
films if the movie presents an original idea (such as 28 Days Later). Lacking
an original idea, the film should be relegated to a movie “short”.
Children of the Living Dead earned BMTG feature length approval with its decision
to give the head zombie, Abbott Hayes, characteristics that more resemble
the immortal trio of Jason, Michael Myers, and Freddy Krueger than his slow-moving
zombie brethren. While all the other zombies in the movie follow the standard
formula where people turn zombie by a bite from a zombie and the only way
to stop them is a bullet to the head, Hayes could not be killed by any means.
Abbott Hayes also had hands that resembled those of Ukrainian
giant Leonid Stadnyk – previously absent in other zombie movies.
If you can stomach the occasional zombie outbreak and stay off of Abbott’s property, this town could be an ideal place to live, for while the children grow up, the adults don’t seem to age with the passing of time. With the action spanning a period of 15 years, the only change noted was the style of Deputy Randolph’s sunglasses.
Despite
his disappointment in his favorite character’s early demise, Brother
Nature was pleased and excited to find that fellow longhair Tom Savini played
the role of Deputy Hughs. Among Savini’s film credits is his work doing
special makeup effects for 1991’s “Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh”.
Hughs was one of several characters in the film that talked to themselves
when alone or when fighting zombies. This is not just the occasional looking
in the mirror “Hey brother, how’s your ass?” Omega man moment,
this is endless banter on how you are going to accomplish every task you face
– like describing to yourself step by step what you are doing while
you get out of your car and walk across a parking lot.
Because the zombies trudged along at the standard slow pace and there was no shortage of weapons for the citizenry to fight them with, the filmmakers struggled to find various ways to give the zombies a chance. Stay a good distance from the slow of foot zombies and shoot them in the head? Sometimes, but Deputy Hughs would repeatedly run out of bullets, wrestle a few zombies, mysteriously find more bullets, kill a few more zombies, then waste the rest of his ammo in preparation for the next wave. A fully loaded pickup truck of about 20 construction workers, each with ample firepower, decided to go the route of hand to hand combat with the zombies, only using the lethal bullet to the head as a last resort. There was even a worker who decided to light sticks of dynamite in his car and throw them out the window, until eventually he somehow managed to throw a stick over and across the top of his car and back into the passenger side window, thus blowing himself up. In the end, the people think they’ve won, while we all know that Abbott Hayes will continue to stand by the shuttered windows of his barn loft watching and waiting for nothing in particular, but always ready to start another zombie uprising if anyone dare stand on his mama’s grave.
Phillip Bower gives a notable performance as the deep voiced car dealership owner.
Review
by The Diesel
 |
Poster reads: LAWLESS TERRORS OF
THE HIGHWAYS...AN ORGANIZED GANG OF CAR STRIPPERS IN A MULTI-MILLION
DOLLAR A YEAR RACKET |
The
gang members in The Choppers have a closer resemblance to Michael P. Keaton
than they do with the drive-by enthusiasts of today. Though well groomed and
substance free, they are as eager to make quick cash as any other teenager
with a chicken truck. The Choppers plan is as simple as it is genius. They
constantly patrol the desert looking for motorists unfortunate enough to run
out of gasoline or break down on the side of the road. Despite the sparse
traffic, a surprisingly regular supply of vehicles stop running a convenient
30 minutes from town. When the motorist goes into town for assistance, The
Choppers spring into action.
Jack
Cruiser, the pug-faced gang leader, who sings the confusingly titled and indiscernible
"Monkeys in My Hat Band" song, positions his hot rod in an advantageous
location that serves as both a lookout and a quick getaway. Jack then calls
his cohorts on a bulky short wave radio, which resembles a gigantic cell phone,
to let them know the car is unguarded. Within moments the other gang members
arrive in a flatbed truck full of live chickens.
The
Choppers unload from the truck with tactical precision and begin stripping
the vehicle. They take tires, mufflers, seats, and anything else that can
be sold at a local scrap yard to support their addictions to local diner cuisine.
In a trademark move, known as the "Chopper Flip", The Choppers flip
the vehicle on its side to have easier access to valuables underneath. Within
moments, the greedy youngsters have removed all the choice parts, have loaded
them on the truck behind the chicken coops, and are driving towards payday.
When the car owners return, they are surprisingly calm when they first see their car flipped on its side with large parts torched off of the undercarriage. The well-compensated youngsters prance around the one-stoplight town with great bravado as they harass ladies at the local diner and guzzle soda like holy water.
Before too long, the "never satisfied till he gets his man" detective notices chicken feathers at each of the crime scenes. After a long pause he decides that it must be teenagers with some type of feather-shedding, super-intelligent chicken as their leader, well, almost. The local authorities soon stage a sting operation, which is broadcast live on a local radio station. Thankfully, The Choppers decided not to listen to the radio at the time of the broadcast and proceed unknowingly. The chase begins and eventually ends up at the same junkyard where The Choppers sell their stolen car parts to the crooked junkyard owner. After one of the boys has a brief altercation with his intoxicated father, who apparently prefers getting drunk at the junkyard, the cops arrive and the shooting begins. The Choppers are then themselves quickly dismantled, as several of them are killed in action and the remaining few are hauled off to jail. As with most youngsters, Jack (played by Arch Hall, Jr. of "Eegah!" fame), Torch, Snooper, Cowboy, Gypsy, and Moose had to learn their lessons the hard way; however, it is better to have been a Chopper and die at the hand of the man than to live long and become the man yourself.
Review
by The Diesel
 |
Even a young M.J. in his prime couldn't save these Wizards. I like to think that everyone has a talent that they can call his or her own. You stick to that talent and you will be successful. This movie showed us that love-stripped Green Berets are excellent soldiers, but as bikers they come across amateurish with a sprinkle of gay. Once the GB's figure out that tiny motorcycles and rhinestone chokers don't strike fear into the Wizards they go with what they know. Handfuls of TNT and mortar shells shower the desert landscape as the bikers run for their lives. The Wizards are a tough bunch but the GB's had their location gridded out and it's tough to come back from that. As with most highly rated BMTG movies, this one has no ending. In the middle of the GB sorties, Drew Bledsoe completes a touchdown pass to Peerless Price. Buffalo eventually goes with what they know and celebrate Martin Luther King Day at home again.
# - C | D - H | I - K | L - R | S - Z