BMTG Founder and President, The Diesel, is also the resident BMTG Movie Critic. Here can be found all of Diesel's reviews, as well as guest reviews by other BMTG members.
28 Days Later (2002)
Alligator People, The (1959)
Amazing Transparent Man, The (1960)
American Psycho (2000)
Black Mama, White Mama (1972)
Breaker! Breaker! (1977)
Bright Lights, Big City (1988)
Cabin Fever (2002)
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
Choppers, The (1961)
Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)
Deadly Eyes (1982)
Death Wish I through V (1974 to 1994)
Death Wish I through
V - A Study of the Super Hero Characteristics of Kersey's Vigilante
Diesel's Eye Surgery, The (2004)
Don't Open Till Christmas (1985)
Doomsday (2008) 
Fight Club (1999)
From Beyond the Grave (1975)
Gorilla at Large (1954)
Green Street Hooligans (2005)
Happy Days - Demolition Derby/Fonzie Loves
Pinkie (1976)
Human Tornado, The (1976)
Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
In the Year 2889 (1967)
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Island of Dr. Moreau, The (1977)
Jack Frost (1997)
Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a Jack-o (1995)
Jamaica: ER
Karachi Kops: Gang of Four
King Kong (2005)
Lady Cocoa (1975)
Last Dinosaur, The (1977)
Legacy of Blood (1978)
Man in the Brown Suit, The (1989)
Minnesota vs. Lakers Playoff Game #3, Final
Quarter and Overtime (2003)
Mister Scarface (1976)
Orloff Against the Invisible Man (1971)
Psychomania (1971)
R.O.T.O.R. (1989)
Scream of the Wolf (1974)
Severed Arm, The (1973)
Snowbeast (1977)
Spiders (2000)
TNT Jackson (1975)
Unholy Rollers (1972)
White Shadow (Coolidge wants to go pro)
White Zombie (1932)
Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon
Zardoz (1974)
# - C | D - H | I - K | L - R | S - Z
Review
by The Diesel
This
film had very little to offer and was mainly scanned through. As promised,
there were rats the size of dachshunds. Unfortunately, they also ran like
dachshunds and appeared to be having fun much like dachshunds dressed as rats
would be having. This movie did inspire a new song for the music group Tropical
Peter. The song “Rat”, while not yet completed, will include the
stirring lyrics "Sweet meat, young and tender/ Here comes your dad,
gonna lose a finger.”
Death Wish I through V (1974 to 1994)
Review
by The Diesel
A Study of the Super Hero Characteristics of Paul Kersey’s Death Wish Vigilante by Ahchie
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The BMTG’s preferred method for viewing the Death Wish movies I through V is from start to finish in one sitting. Not only are you able to enjoy the movies individually, you are also able to better appreciate the horrific events that regularly take place in the life of Paul Kersey (Chuck Bronson.) Another advantage is watching the upper-middle aged Kersey transform from a naïve well-intentioned vigilante to a bloated and sluggish killer for hire.
Paul Kersey is an architect at a New York City firm and he bears little resemblance to what television has taught us about architects (Mike Brady, George Costanza). Kersey prefers large framed spectacles, an unruly hairstyle, and a thin mustache. He rarely shares pleasantries with his coworkers and barely acknowledges their outlandish ideas for social reform. His building designs tend to be of the same basic design and come in four pricing schemas:
Death Wish I (1974)
Kersey’s
Wife is killed and his daughter’s rump painted by a grocery store gang.
The gang is led by a juvenile Jeff Goldblum, who wears his signature Jughead
hat that he made famous in Jurassic Park and Independence Day. Despite the
brutality of the crime and several witnesses, the police offer little more
hope in finding the killers than finding a stolen bicycle. Kersey struggles,
with the help of his weak willed son-in-law, to cope with the loss of his
wife and the permanent catatonic state of his daughter. Even a satisfying
meal of livers cooked medium-rare and spaghetti in his Mercat orange dining
room does little to sooth his pain.
Kersey decides to begin taking late night walks around his neighborhood to thin out the herd. Night after night Kersey unloads his pistol into the bellies of brazen thieves. Although he never finds, or even attempts to look for, his family’s assailants, Kersey is satisfied with the unofficial impact he is having on cleaning up street crime (down 50%). Often more lucky than smart Kersey benefits at least once from a late-night Wizard of Oz party that camouflaged his escape with balloons and dancing characters.
Death Wish II (1982)
Kersey
falls in love half-hoping that the person of his affections doesn’t
end up dead. Unfortunately for both, the Kersey curse continues and by movie’s
end Kersey is again a bachelor. Kersey's catatonic daughter makes another
appearance and jumps out a window to her death while being held captive by
Laurence Fishbourne's gang.
Kersey decides to live a double life and rents a studio apartment in the section of town that has all the churches. Disguised with a black wool cap, Kersey moves about the underworld of Los Angles bumping into his daughter’s kidnappers unnoticed. Kersey has evolved in that he prefers to say something clever to the criminals before he kills them.
Death Wish III (1985)
Kersey
returns back to New York City and is thrown into the modern day equivalent
of the Five Points. Gang members, clad in half shirts, studded armbands, and
“not equal to” markings on their forehead prey upon the inhabitants
of an unofficial retirement home. Kersey goes on his usual killing spree but
this time he is equipped with more than a handgun. His preferred weapon is
a large safari pistol that uses the same caliber of ammunition used by big
game hunters such as Masten Thrust. The safari pistol easily disposes of the
swift “Giggler” from a block away. He later uses a large machine-gun
and a rocket launcher. Kersey, who prefers to work at night, is often confronted
during the day. Kersey leaves town with his two large suitcases in hand. Despite
the fire, destruction, dead bodies, and the grandma style patterns on his
luggage, Kersey is allowed to leave without once being stopped by an officer.
Death Wish IV (1987)
Kersey
almost makes it through the entire movie without having his lover die. Unfortunately,
his girlfriend gets gunned down outside a parking garage with a few minutes
of reel time remaining. Kersey responds by eliminating her killer with a missile
launcher to the chest. Kersey is taken in by a confidence man that funds his
vigilantism and provides him with a list of key targets. Kersey finds that
the Mafia is no more a challenge to him than young street toughs and proceeds
to eliminate two crime families without getting hurt.
Death Wish V (1994)
Barely watchable. Over the years the Death Wish series was slowly slipping
away but even after Death Wish IV it had enough life left to justify another
installment or two. This movie brings the entire series to a sudden end with
its boring story and lethargic Paul Kersey wielding his mighty boomstick.
The BMTG scanned through the final 45 minutes of this movie and even at 4x
speed the movie appeared too slow to keep anyone awake.
Death Wish Series Celebrity Sightings:
Boom Boom Washington (#1)
Jeff Goldblum (#1)
Chuck Wade (#1)
Christopher Guest (#1)
Larry Fishburne (#2)
Happy Days older brother (#3)
Ted of Bill and Ted (#3)
"Crew...Crew" Longest Yard guard, original version (#3)
Troy of Star Trek (#3)
Ernest Borgnine copycat (#3)
Desperado knife thrower (#4)
Detective from Kojak, new series version (#5)
Addtional Notes from Brother Nature:
Not enough opportunity to feel sympathy for Paul Kersey. There was
very little time spent in his sadness, very little tears of anger were seen.
His wife was slain and the movie went straight to the funeral in the cemetery,
then very little time was seen spent by Paul alone in his apartment, feeling
down or developing anger toward the attackers. His son-in-law visited to tell
him about how his daughter was, but by now he had clearly moved on, repainted,
and re-arranged his appartment like nothing had happened.
A Study of the Super Hero Characteristics of Paul Kersey’s Death Wish Vigilante
by White Russian
The
newspaper named him the Vigilante. The people loved him as much as if he were
a real life super hero. The question stands, then, is Paul Kersey as the Vigilante
in the Death Wish movies a type of super hero? An analysis focusing on Kersey’s
Vigilante, Peter Parker’s Spiderman, and Bruce Wayne’s Batman,
reveal that there are striking similarities, as well as striking differences.
Origination
The events that caused Paul Kersey to turn vigilante are in line with the
path taken by many super heroes. Kersey, the extremely mild-mannered architect,
was driven to become the Vigilante after his daughter was raped, his wife
was murdered, and the police were impotent to do anything about it, treating
the heinous crimes as though some kid’s Blaupunkt had been taken from
his car. Ironically, the police launched a vigorous investigation into the
killing of the homeless mugger that was the Vigilante’s first victim.
The fuel that kept Kersey’s need for vengeance burning was the continuing
tragedies that befell his loved ones, in particular his lady friends. In the
later movies, Kersey gets additional incentive to go after criminals when
he is offered money to do so.
Of similar origin, Bruce Wayne’s impetus for becoming Batman was witnessing
his parents’ murder at the hands of a thief. The beginnings of Peter
Parker as Spiderman was quite different, with a spider bite leading to his
super powers, but his forays into vigilantism were prompted by the murder
of his uncle at the hands of a thief – a thief who he had the opportunity
to stop before the killing.
Both the Vigilante and Batman seem to thirst for revenge and have a bit of
a dark side to them, while Spiderman was initially pushed with the desire
for revenge, but was sustained by the desire use his powers for good, going
with the motto, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Super Powers
Spiderman
had a number of well-documented super powers, all coming from the spider bite.
Batman had no super powers, but seemed to be exceptionally strong and was
well equipped with super gadgets that enabled him to perform super hero feats.
The Vigilante had no super powers and no super gadgets – just rage,
a 475 Wildey Magnum, and an unsurpassed shooting eye. Batman made the most
of his gadgets and was virtually invincible. The Vigilante made the most of
his Wildey and sharp shooter skills and was almost as indestructible. In later
movies, Kersey expanded his firepower with bigger and more powerful weaponry.
Methods
All three subjects in question had their own signature methods in dealing
with crime. Spiderman would hear a police siren and know that he was needed
somewhere. He was on the job day and night. Batman would see the Bat Signal
in the sky and know that he was being beckoned to help catch a criminal or
solve a particularly vexing puzzle. The Vigilante operated primarily at night
and just walked the streets looking for criminals. Often, he would pick the
most dangerous areas and try to appear helpless in an effort to lure the criminals
in. Then he would unleash his Wildey until they were all dead. While Spiderman
and Batman captured criminals, the Vigilante killed them.
Interestingly, the Vigilante never sought to find the criminals that killed
his wife and raped his daughter, nor did he show much interest in finding
specific criminals. Instead he just killed whatever criminal he came across.
The Vigilante’s modus operandi gradually shifted through the series
from being a self-financed revenge machine to a handsomely paid mercenary.
Costume
Spiderman
and Batman’s costumes are well documented. Spiderman’s was bright,
while Batman’s was dark. Their costumes were distinctive and immediately
recognizable. The Vigilante had a variety of outfits, including a fake arm
in his overcoat (Death Wish I), a longshoreman beanie (Death Wish II), and
members only style leather jackets in the later movies, along with coat and
tie during the daytime.
Nemesis
Spiderman had, among others, the Green Goblin. Batman had, among others, The
Penguin and The Joker. These villains had similar originations as the super
heroes, but chose to serve themselves and be bad guys instead of using their
powers and abilities for the good of mankind. The super hero nemesis always
has a costume as distinctive and recognizable as the hero.
The
Vigilante had a variety of nameless muggers who always underestimated him,
and the closest he came to having a nemesis was Richie Cunningham’s
older brother Chuck, who played the role of Fraker in Death Wish III. Fraker
had an unthreatening reverse Mohawk (the middle strip of hair was shaved and
the rest was cut short and slicked back) and his gang had not-equal signs
scribbled on their foreheads. Spiderman and Batman’s enemies kept coming
back, but the Vigilante’s enemies were always killed.
Relationship with the Three P’s – The Populace, The Press,
and the Police
For the most part, all three, Spiderman, Batman, and the Vigilante, were loved
by the populace, despite efforts by the press to paint each in a negative
light. At times, and in their own ways, all three inspired the populace to
fight back, including the time when the Vigilante inspired a woman to fight
off her attackers with her hat pin.
At times all three were decried as criminals by the local press, and other times they were portrayed as saviors to the city. When it came to the daily paper, one day a super hero is heralded for their great deeds, and the next day he is said to be in cahoots with whatever nemesis is currently terrorizing the helpless city. One day the paper wonders where the hero went, and the next day it is gladly pronouncing the triumphant return. The press has consistently been inconsistent in their attention to super heroes and Paul Kersey’s Vigilante is no different in this regard.
All
three had their moments being treated as criminals by the police, but the
Vigilante had the shakiest relationship. Spiderman and Batman cooperated much
more, in that instead of killing the criminals, they would capture them in
a variety of creative ways and deliver them to the precinct doorsteps, often
times with a little note. The Vigilante, on the other hand, killed as many
criminals as possible. The police were conflicted, as they wanted the Vigilante
to stop, but they also knew how effective he was. All three dramatically reduced
the crime rate, but instead of being grateful to The Vigilante, as they were
to Spiderman and Batman, they felt embarrassed by the success of the rampaging
Kersey.
Relationship with Loved Ones
Peter
Parker avoided getting involved with the ladies because he felt they would
be in danger as long as he continued to be Spiderman. Bruce Wayne did not
shy away from relationships and was very successful at concealing his Batman
identity. Paul Kersey was the complete opposite of Peter Parker. He did not
care how much danger he may or may not be putting his ladies in. After one
was murdered, he would find himself another, and when she was murdered, he
would start over and find someone else. The ladies he hooked up with were
always younger than he and more attractive than the prostitutes who would
turn away from him with looks of disgust. Almost everyone Kersey knew fell
victim to the rampant crime that flooded the cities that he chose to live
in. His daughter was raped at the same time his wife was murdered in Death
Wish I. His housekeeper was brutally raped and his daughter was raped again
while in a semi-catatonic state, followed by her decision to end it all by
running through a second or third story window in Death Wish II. An old friend
was murdered, along with his neighbor after Kersey started living in his dead
friend’s apartment (since the rent was already paid) and his girlfriend
was killed in Death Wish III. The next girlfriend’s daughter died of
a drug overdose and the girlfriend later died in Death Wish IV. And yet another
girlfriend was killed in Death Wish V. None of the deaths were accidental
– some were the result of random violence that permeated the streets,
while others were the direct result of being associated with Kersey, as his
enemies would get them in order to get to him, confirming Peter Parker’s
greatest fear.
Conclusion
Should
Paul Kersey / Vigilante be placed in the same super hero category as Peter
Parker / Spiderman and Bruce Wayne / Batman? Giving the Vigilante super hero
status would be considered highly questionable, as there are too many key
elements missing, but the decision is not as clear-cut as it may first appear.
Not many ordinary people would be able to accomplish anywhere near what Paul
Kersey was able to do for such a sustained period of time, and the conflicts
that raged inside of him were the same conflicts that rage inside of many
a super hero. At the very least, the series reinforces the idea that super
heroes are necessary because the police are always going to be unable to adequately
fulfill their duties. In the end, perhaps, the Death Wish movies should compel
us to feel that any one of us could be a sort of super hero.
Diesel's Eye Surgery, The (2004)
Review
by The Diesel
This short movie could also be called The Passion of The Eye, for it shows powerfully unpleasant images and forces the viewer to take a personal look at their own life and beliefs. At what point do we simply accept who we are and celebrate our personal strengths? Are we really making decisions as to what weaknesses need to be improved or does society tell us? Elective eye surgery is the medical equivalent to having your kidney removed and cleaned. Sure it's all nice and sparkly, but it was working well before being spit shined.
It would come to a shock to many that the Diesel actually saw 20/400 prior to surgery. While not of Steve Austin quality, he was able to see. A gunman attacking his family at 20 feet away would appear to be only a little more than a football field away. The surgery corrected his vision to 20/20 in each eye, but if your family gets attacked, it's money down the drain.
Most viewers looked away and some even got physically ill but all left with a renewed appreciation for their own imperfections and lack of willingness to do anything about them. While Brother Nature and Ahchie felt uneasy watching the surgery, imagine the horror as the Diesel watched as his own cornea was sliced open, flipped up, and his eyeball laser burned. His gelatinous orbs were savagely poked and aggressively wiped by the Lasermaster until they were moist and crimson. The Lasermaster dreamily spoke to the Diesel as he went to work, "Doing great sport", "Hang in there buddy", "Way to go champ", appealing more to the Diesel's vanity than to his opium softened concerns.
Elective eye surgery, such as this, is performed by money hungry butchers on uninformed consumers too frightened to disappoint society. This movie should be celebrated, not for it's grotesque images, but because it forces us to see to what lengths some people will go to be "normal".
Additional Review by Sandman:
The surgery was a success. The Diesel can now see better than ever.
The Lasik surgery was very scary to watch. When The Diesel’s cornea was peeled back like a Filipino candy and the laser tagged it with fervor I think we all got a little concerned. It was troubling to see the Diesel with his eyeball fastened down like some kind of outtake from Hellraiser II, however; the bedside manner of the doctor calmed everybody down. His constant words of encouragement like…”Good job buddy” and “You’re doing great, Dog”, made us all feel better when the laser peppered The Diesel’s eyeball.
The Diesel, when all of this went down, was cooler than the other side of the pillow (thanks Stuart Scott). That was because they hooked The Diesel up with large amounts of the epic mind altering substance Ativan – which is believed to be a distant cousin of peyote.
Although the surgery was a success, it was troubling to watch. Perhaps the most scary thing about the surgery was in the distance..if you listen real close…you can hear the 1979 classic song from Rupert Holmes, Escape – The Pina Colada Song.
Don't Open Till Christmas (1985)
Review
by White Russian
A
movie with a lot of potential, but, sadly, not much that was memorable. The
basics are that there is a madman loose who is killing anyone dressed as Santa
Claus and Scotland Yard is impotent in its attempts to catch him. The madman
comes up with quite a few different and creative ways to kill and the directors
manage to put in enough Sandman moments to keep the movie going. Ultimately,
though, keeping it going is all that it does, as the tendency becomes one
of scanning through the dialog to see what happens next. The killings themselves,
however, become just as uninteresting as the dialog, and one is left scanning
forward just to see if there is anything else to satisfy the cravings of the
BMTG’s resident Sexologist. Like most other British films, this one
starts off with plenty of foreplay, wanders aimlessly for awhile, and ends
in disappointment, as the viewer is left wondering when and if the big finish
will ever come.
Review
by Brother Nature
Whoever created this movie was a fan of the late 70’s early 80’s “Cool” movies. This film had elements of Escape from N.Y. and Mad Max and The Road Warrior as well as more recent ideas from 28 Days Later, and even some King Arthur stuff, which makes me think the creator was probably into Dungeons & Dragons as well. Oh, it also has a pretty fine lead actress. I couldn’t really figure her out though. She was tough, but that wasn’t put forth as her main strength, nor was she hiding some intense anger inside just waiting to be unleashed on her enemies. There wasn’t anything in particular that was her main strong attribute. I am glad she wasn’t an indestructible heroine type either. But I do wish she had something that made her stand out a little more, like some underlying rage that would come across midway thru fighting, where you could see this look of surprise in her combatants after they realize that they provoked this and got into battle with the wrong person. She is the female Snake Pliskin.
I don’t think there were any original ideas in this film except that it takes great elements from those types of movies to create a fun movie, but you do spend most of the time remembering the “Cool” old films while viewing it. I would like to see this a second time to really enjoy it knowing already what it has to offer. This was a really good movie for my taste, something I could see making. Although I wouldn’t have thought of a few things they had in the movie, and maybe done a few things different such as two coliseum type events or gatherings where the guy in charge is revered by a large cheering crowd. I definitely recommend Doomsday and would like to see it again, and will.
Review
by White Russian, with contributions from The Diesel
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If the BMTG were to make a movie, Fight Club would be it. The quality of this film far surpasses any others that are regularly viewed by the BMTG and despite it's high quality, it was required viewing for Festival #42 so that Brother Nature (formerly known as Congo) could be "indoctrinated" with the philosophies of Tyler Durden. While the members of the BMTG may not agree with everything Tyler says and does,* this is the film that has influenced the BMTG the most. Fight Club is a veritable quote machine and with every viewing new elements of the film that have been previously absorbed by the subconscious are noticed. It is a masterfully done character study that is even better the second time you watch it. Support group tourist Marla Singer is seen entirely differently the second time around as you watch the movie with a different perspective. While Marla still needs a good scrubbing, she warrants consideration.
This
is not a film of violence for the sake of violence. This is also not a film
that needs to be over analyzed. It is what it is without apology and it makes
key points, among them that despite our perceived individualism, commercialism
is king. It does not encourage people to abandon their beliefs and embrace
total chaos, rather it shows some of the feelings that are dangerously lurking
under the surface. It shows what happens when someone snaps and goes over
the edge. While there are many benefits to Tyler's philosophy of just letting
go and not letting society and its expectations rule your life, exposed are
the downfalls of taking it too far and the hypocrisy of not taking it far
enough. Leonard Maltin was unable to figure it out and it is his review of
Fight Club (as well as another classic, American Psycho) that has convinced
the BMTG that Mr. Maltin is very gay.
*disclaimer included for legal reasons
Review
by Sandman
A
seemingly down on his luck street vendor played by Donald Pleasance coaxes
a local businessman to come over to his house for dinner. While at dinner
the businessman meets the street vendor’s daughter. The daughter and
the businessman quickly fall in love. The businessman then kills his wife
to be with the daughter – a Scott Peterson like maneuver. The businessman
and the daughter get their swerve on and are married. The day of the wedding
ceremony the new bride kills her new husband when she cuts the cake. Once
she cuts the cake the new husband bleeds to death from his head. In a twist,
it is later discovered that the son of the businessman was behind all the
macabre mayhem.
Review
by The Diesel
Often times when gorillas are accused of murder they end up being proven completely innocent. In Gorilla at Large, you are certain the gorilla was innocent but you're glad they killed him just the same. Without the fallen Twin Towers to scale, our gorilla climbs a relatively short roller coaster to prove his point. He is then subject to an incredible "Shock and Awe" campaign that disorients him enough to lay down the obligatory unconscious woman and allow ground troops to fill him with bullets.
Lee Marvin has a memorable performance as a gray haired rookie cop with a weakness for bananas and sleeping in feces filled cages. Not sure if this was Mr. Marvin's first performance but it should have been his last. While it is expected that there be some lack of realism for the sake of entertainment, having all of the carnies well dressed and appear as though they just stepped out of the Men's Warehouse was a little over the top.
Raymond Burr admitted to murder so he could spend the rest of his days safely in jail. When it appeared the jig was up he straightened his tie, smashed out the detectives' office window, and hoped for a Karachi Kops style beating. It never came. Gorilla suits filled with trapeze tape, a terminated carny hanging dead on a fence, and the janitor from Reptilicus, make Gorilla at Large a confusing and overly drawn out feature.
Review
by Steamboy
Since
the deaths of Plato "Wise men talk because they have something to
say; fools, because they have to say something." and Ben Franklin
"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends."
It has been difficult to find wisdom that you can live by. In this regard
Green Street Hooligans delivers with "Once you've taken a few punches
and realize you're not made of glass, you don't feel alive unless you're pushing
yourself as far as you can go." This movie starts off with a brutal,
bloody, adrenaline pumping fight between two craggily-toothed firms in Britain.
Following are other scraps that make you want to down a pint and harass your
neighbors.
Matt
(Elijah Wood) plays the York in the group. Matt moves to Britain after being
kicked out of Harvard. The transfer from his Ivy League to high time British
gang member life is nicely portrayed. Quickly he is in his first fight delivering
damage and doing his share of gratis dental work. The fights are realistic
as they are equal and you don't have to be a good guy to win. These fights
are all over football, which is soccer to us. Don't let the Limeys hear you
say soccer as they will bounce on you with reckless abandon. Each team has
its own firm and the firms fight over their teams.
The touch of British adds a lot to the story. Their terms, slang, gestures,
and rituals are expressed throughout the entire film, so make sure you understand
them in the beginning. They have a short crash-course segment to get you York's
started. 
If
you are easily offended about racism and Political Correctness don't watch
this movie, because they really tell you what they think. If you love racism
and inappropriate behavior you will soon have Elijah Wood tattooed on your
chest.
Overall, the movie has a compelling story line with a few unexpected happenings that keep the viewers interested. I personally like British movies and this one was a good one. I liked how it kept enough American in it to relate to.
The main point to this movie is the fight scenes. Between 5 on 5, 5 on 20, and even 20 on 20, you’ll have to like at least one of them. Don’t be misled by the actor’s previous movies. In no way is he playing a similar character as Frodo has been chewed, digested, and expelled as useless waste matter. Although, you do get a slight feeling of how it would feel to beat up a hobbit. And according to these Brits and another great philosopher of our time, Tyler Durden, “If it’s your first time, you have to fight.”
Happy Days - Demolition Derby/Fonzie Loves Pinky (1976)
Review
by Sandman
This 3-part saga had it all. Love, demolition derby, and of course a Malachi brother talking in a Shakespearean accent. Fonzi and his old lady, Pinky, go off and do motorcycle jumps like no other. They would hold hands and look lovingly into each other’s mug as they rode their bikes. The Fonz and Pinky take part in a demolition derby with the Brothers Malachi. Along with Brothers Malachi are some other schleps that had no crash’em up game at all. When the demolition derby began Mr. C. was sweating like he had some form of glandular disorder. In the next take, though, he is as dry as can be. Richie Cunningham provides the play by play for the local TV station.
While communicating via walkie-talkie, the Fonz and Pinky do quite well in the derby, but the now famous Malachi crunch does Pinky in. Pinky tries to escape from her car at the last second and one of the Malachi Brothers T-bones her as she jumps from her car. She is taken by ambulance to the local hospital. Fonzi, seeing this, is now more focused than ever. He pretends to be stalled but at the last minute moves his vehicle and the Malachi Brothers crash, making The Fonz the victor. Fonzi, though, isn’t satisfied. After the race he traps one Malachi brother in the Port-A-Crapper before rushing to the hospital with Richie. Fonz tells Richie that he wants to marry Pinky and proposes marriage after Richie excused himself to get a 44 ounce beverage at AM PM. The Brothers Malachi make their way to the hospital and tell Pinky and Fonzi that they, in an act of good will, have paid Pinky's hospital bills. Fonzi acts like a bad ass for a second, then simmers down.
Once back from the hospital Pinky is set to embark on a nationwide motorcycle jumping tour. She is going to have Fonzi be her chief mechanic. Fonzi is given a small advance via check from Pinky. Fonzi wigs out and feel like an employee and like Mr. Pinky. He can’t accept this and tells Pinky that he can't marry her. Pinky says she will give up her dream of being a motorcycle jumper for him, but Fonzi tells her to pursue her dream without him by her side.
Review
by The Diesel
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Dolemite delivers a heavy dose of black-fu, angry rhymes, and man-ass in this classic about a brother being wrongfully hassled for a little jungle love. Squeezing his spongy fro into a denim beret, along with a matching denim jumpsuit, Dolemite not only beat down the man, he looked good doing it. During the opening credits, Dolemite runs through a series of complicated original karate moves that leave no doubt as to why they call him the Human Tornado. Dolemite uses these moves, along with his patented gurgling, to kill off his enemies and save the ladies of the Queen Bee. Despite delivering rapid-fire beatings to anyone in his way, Dolemite’s speech is slow and deliberate as though he had a severe stroke. The other characters, including a bald Ernie Hudson (disguised in the credits as Louis Hudson) never call attention to Dolemite’s speech impediment as they patiently listen to his rhyming battle plans. Dolemite is obviously proud of his man ass and shows it several times, even once in slow motion. When angered, Dolemite resorts to displaying his passion through short and powerful rhymes that promise to cripple his foes and wreak havoc.
In an apparent shout-out to Fellini, several nonsensical scenes are marbled within the movie. A man walks into a restroom that is being used by an older woman, and proceeds to urinate in the sink beside her. Fellini himself would have been envious of such a scene and would have anointed it ”Bellissima!” sheer perfection.
Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
Review
by The Diesel
 |
Hordes of sea monsters, who have somehow lived unnoticed in large caves along the perpetually foggy coast, decide it's time to relocate and terrorize the inhabitants of a small fishing town. The sea monsters, which resemble steroid injected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a small twist of Joey Buttafuco, have huge heads, street smarts, and tactical skills.
A
new cannery is being constructed that will bring prosperity to the town. While
most of the locals are looking forward to the rejuvenation of their area,
a proud Indian, Johnny Eagle, doesn't approve of the negative environmental
impact the cannery will have. The sea monsters unwittingly increase tensions
as they kill dogs, claw people, and break machinery, leading those on both
sides of the cannery dispute to accuse the opposition of strong-arm diplomacy.
Being highly sexually charged creatures, the sea monsters tend to focus their
attacks on bra-less women using a classic blouse removal technique (violently
pull on victims right side of blouse just below second button).
After
a few more attacks some Indian haters decide to teach Johnny Eagle and his
Earth loving friends a tough lesson. Led by an angry afro-styled white guy,
the Indian haters load their small boat with Olympia beer and a couple of
Molotov cocktails. When they get to Johnny Eagle's poorly constructed river
shack, they acurately toss the Molotov cocktails from their small paddleboat
with excellent results. Johnny Eagle's river shack and all the other buildings
surrounding it begin to explode and re-explode until it looks like a precision
napalm strike.
Eventually,
the sea monsters coordinate an Omaha Beach style invasion at the annual dance
festival, which, convenient for the sea monsters, takes place right on the
docks. Once the sea monsters attack, the townsfolk begin running and screaming
in every direction despite the exit being at one end of the pier. A horrific
battle ensues with lots of smoke, people running, and many acts of human bravery.
After such human tragedy, only time and a win from the local National Football
League team can heal the deep wounds left by the mean spirited creatures.
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