BMTG Founder and President, The Diesel, is also the resident BMTG Movie Critic. Here can be found all of Diesel's reviews, as well as guest reviews by other BMTG members.
28 Days Later (2002)
Alligator People, The (1959)
Amazing Transparent Man, The (1960)
American Psycho (2000)
Black Mama, White Mama (1972)
Breaker! Breaker! (1977)
Bright Lights, Big City (1988)
Cabin Fever (2002)
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
Choppers, The (1961)
Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)
Deadly Eyes (1982)
Death Wish I through V (1974 to 1994)
Death Wish I through
V - A Study of the Super Hero Characteristics of Kersey's Vigilante
Diesel's Eye Surgery, The (2004)
Don't Open Till Christmas (1985)
Doomsday (2008) 
Fight Club (1999)
From Beyond the Grave (1975)
Gorilla at Large (1954)
Green Street Hooligans (2005)
Happy Days - Demolition Derby/Fonzie Loves
Pinkie (1976)
Human Tornado, The (1976)
Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
In the Year 2889 (1967)
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Island of Dr. Moreau, The (1977)
Jack Frost (1997)
Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a Jack-o (1995)
Jamaica: ER
Karachi Kops: Gang of Four
King Kong (2005)
Lady Cocoa (1975)
Last Dinosaur, The (1977)
Legacy of Blood (1978)
Man in the Brown Suit, The (1989)
Minnesota vs. Lakers Playoff Game #3, Final
Quarter and Overtime (2003)
Mister Scarface (1976)
Orloff Against the Invisible Man (1971)
Psychomania (1971)
R.O.T.O.R. (1989)
Scream of the Wolf (1974)
Severed Arm, The (1973)
Snowbeast (1977)
Spiders (2000)
TNT Jackson (1975)
Unholy Rollers (1972)
White Shadow (Coolidge wants to go pro)
White Zombie (1932)
Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon
Zardoz (1974)
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Review
by White Russian
While
it may not be action packed and definitely has limited replay value, Scream
of the Wolf has a triple threat combo not found in many other movies –
an ineffective super police force that responds en masse whenever there is
a crime, a hero modeled after Mike Brady, and a villain that is a precursor
to Tyler Durden. As a bonus, the movie triggered the BMTG list of ten
reasons why South America is better than Africa.
Some creature is terrorizing a remote Northern California town. Whatever it is moves first on four legs, then on two legs, then disappears, leaving behind mutilated victims. After nearly every attack (all but one), the police respond with an abundance of squad cars, sometimes having to travel single file along winding dirt roads at breakneck speeds to get to the crime scene. No matter where the victim is located, at least a dozen cars blaze a trail to get there and investigate. Interestingly, the one attack they do not respond to in this way is when the police officer is the victim. Sadly, despite expending so many resources to investigate, the police are unable to solve the case or make any noticeable, positive impact, other than to bring the hero on board.
Peter
Graves plays the hero as retired hunter turned writer John Wetherby. Graves
looks like he could be Robert Reed’s stunt double, but that is not where
his similarity to Mike Brady ends. Wetherby’s hair, dress, mannerisms,
and speech all seem to be styled after the famous TV dad. His statements,
while not lectures to his kids, are in the same spirit, as he talks down with
a subtle air of knowing more than the other person, as well as a bit of amusement
at the rest of the world’s naiveté. Like Mike Brady, his motives
seem to come from a paternal nature rather than an arrogant one.
Wetherby has a tendency to leave out important details until he casually mentions them as afterthoughts. For example, after spending the day investigating the first brutal attack he is given a ride home by the sheriff. It is not until he is just about to get out of the car that he mentions that he noticed a striking difference in the weight that made the two-legged footprints versus the four-legged footprints, even though the prints were all made by the same being. Consistent with the Mike Brady persona, Wetherby seems to process things internally and waits to form a conclusion before telling others what he has noticed. It is only when he cannot come to a conclusion that he lets the sheriff know that there is something strange about the prints. And his tone is in more of a puzzled and confiding nature, rather than an informative and cooperative one, letting the sheriff know that he will continue to work on this mystery until he figures it out.
The
villain, Byron Douglas, played by Clint Walker, looks like Dr. Luka Kovac
of ER and has a philosophy on life that serves as a preview of Tyler Durden
25 years before the release of Fight Club. Tyler Durden is a much more dynamic
character, but the two share running monologues that are noticeably similar
in their message and intensity. In the restaurant and outside the courthouse
are two standout examples of Byron being Tyler:
Restaurant, seated at a table are Byron, John and John’s girlfriend Sandy
JOHN – Well, Bryon and I never really thought too much alike.
BYRON – We almost did…once. But you preferred to wait in the trees.
JOHN – Yeah, well, the – the allure that mortal danger holds for you always left me a little bit cool.
BYRON – But only in mortal danger are we alive, John. Only by risking our lives can we truly appreciate it. What kind of a life are you leading now? What kind of a life is anyone around here leading now? Emasculated by society and safety.
SANDY – Well, ah, we’re enjoying it. [Sandy and John share a chuckle]
BYRON – I give life as well as take it. The animals I kill are never more alive than in that instant before my bullet strikes them.
SANDY – C’mon.
BYRON – And I’m never more alive than in that instant when they could kill me just as easily.Outside courthouse, Byron, John and Sandy
BYRON – Look at those faces.
JOHN – Oh, yeah. Don’t tell me – they’re alive.
BYRON – Alive with fear. Alert to the possibility of death hanging over their heads.
JOHN – And you think that’s just marvelous.
BYRON – It is marvelous, John. When is a man more alive than on his way to the gallows? What cigarette tastes as good as that last one, while the firing squad is waiting? You know, in a way these killings may be a benefit to everybody.
Unfortunately for Scream of the Wolf, the hyper-responsive and eager police force, the Brady-like hero, and the flashes of Tyler Durden are not enough to keep the film thrilling. The attack sequences are not creative, show too little, and lack the “it factor”. And the end sequence, which leaves too many unanswered questions, is disappointing and uninspired, with the twist being a bit predictable, making it not really a twist at all. Overall and like most made for TV movies from the seventies, Scream of the Wolf is worth watching once in its entirety for its bad acting and other qualities that make it unintentionally bad, with subsequent viewings limited to selected scenes, such as when Byron is on one of his Durdenesque diatribes.
In a side note, and speaking of precursors, the Brady Bunch episode where the family goes to the dude ranch may have inspired the grossly overrated film Brokeback Mountain:
CAROL – What are you going to wear, Mike?
MIKE – Oh, I don’t know…my cowboy boots.
CAROL – [John Wayne style] Well ya better wear somthin’ else, or you’re gonna get arrested.
MIKE – Not to mention sunburn.
Review
by The Diesel
While
everyone is more than willing to receive the rewards and praise that come
with winning, there is also an unwritten rule that requires participants to
accept the consequences if they lose. Ted Rodgers decided he wanted to participate,
but when he drew the short straw, requiring him to lose a body part for his
friends to consume, he tried to back out.
In The Severed Arm, a group of amateur rock collectors decide to rummage about an old mine shaft only to have it collapse around them after one of the men unwisely digs near a supporting column. The director, not wanting to bore us with the tedious details of starvation, quickly advances the movie two weeks ahead. The men now appear a little dirtier, and they constantly complain of hunger, but immediately noticeable is that they all have thick beards. As though they had stumbled across an underground fountain of Rogaine, their 2-week-old beards are at 6-month fullness and they are neatly groomed.
Despite the fact that their full beards and pot bellies make them appear reasonably healthy, the leader of the group estimates that some, if not all, of them will die from hunger by the next day. The estimate goes unchallenged and is accepted as truth. The leader then suggests that a random member of the group have a limb removed so the others, and presumably the amputee as well, could feed off of it. The others quickly denounce the savage proposal until the leader is able to explain the nutritional benefits of eating raw human flesh.
Ted Rodgers chooses to participate; however, after he draws the short straw he screams and wiggles about trying to convince the others of the absurdity of what they are about to do to him. After reluctantly granting Ted a short reprieve, Ted's buddies again creep towards him and remove his arm and shirtsleeve with a heated hunting knife. Unfortunately, before they have time to properly prepare the arm, they are rescued.
Five years later, the leader receives Ted's perfectly preserved arm in the mail. The arm is considered to be Ted's roundabout way of telling his fellow rock hounds that he is out of the crazy house and ready to party. Soon, other members of the group are getting their arms chopped off, getting disturbed in the shower, and in a textbook case of taking things too far, some are killed. It is obvious to everyone that Ted is ignoring the spirit of his amputation, as well as his own willingness to eat a limb, and has chosen the route of misguided revenge.
While Ted initially screamed and kicked at having his arm severed, he appeared to have accepted his fate by simply passing out as it was being removed. It should also be noted that Ted's short reprieve was only stopped because he slammed a large stone on the top of his sleeping friend's head, attempting to murder him and undoubtedly eat his body. Despite the gruesome premise, there is little blood as most violent scenes are performed off camera. Due to this fact, The Severed Arm can be utilized as the perfect tool to educate young children about the benefits of cannibalism and rewards of fair play.
Review
by White Russian
Bo
Svenson stars as Gar, a washed up Olympian who has come crawling to a struggling
ski lodge to beg for a job from his old friend Tony. Even though he has a
Swedish name and he plays a Swedish character, Svenson sounds and acts more
like a Texan than a Swede. The grandson of the ski lodge owner, Tony, is played
by Robert Logan, who is essentially a poor man’s Warren Beatty. Tony
has a problem controlling the volume of his voice, often speaking rather loudly
in face-to-face conversations. The only reason Tony has a job is because of
his relation to the owner and he quickly offers Gar a job, though it is obvious
that neither Gar nor Tony care what that job is. Sylvia Sidney plays Tony’s
grandma. Sidney is basically the opposite of Dick Clark, in that she always
looks old. Her portrayal of grandma is strikingly similar to her portrayal
of Juno in Beetlejuice eleven years later.
The ski lodge is preparing to hold a carnival of sorts, and it is established early that nothing will stop this carnival from happening, not even the disappearance of resort guests and rumors of a big foot type snow creature stalking the ski slopes. Tony has seen the creature, but the rumors of the beast are quickly dismissed as idle fantasy, because to do otherwise would jeopardize the anemic and pathetic looking carnival.
Gar, the newly installed ski instructor, believes Tony and argues the case in true hippie style that the beast should not be harmed. After later seeing firsthand the carnage left by the beast, Gar joins the anti-snowbeast camp and rediscovers his manhood. With his marriage in trouble and living life stuck in 1968, Gar completes his transformation back into a man after his wife spends the night alone in the woods. Once reunited with her, he shows her that he has become a real man of action who is finally able to satisfy his woman.
In between lone skier attacks and preparations for the carnival there is lots and lots of skiing down the same deserted mountain stretch, accompanied by sappy mood music. The filmmakers apparently thought the shots were so beautiful that extended scenes of skiers gliding down the pristine mountain were determined to be essential, as well as giving the added benefit of a time filler.
Eventually
the snowbeast tires of picking off skiers one by one and decides to crash
a rally at the ski lodge’s high school style multipurpose room/gymnasium.
In response to the beast’s attack, it is somehow determined that the
only people who can stop it are Tony, Gar, Gar’s wife, who is a reporter,
and the sheriff. None, except the sheriff’s law enforcement training
and Gar’s marksmanship, have any qualifications in tracking down the
murderous beast, but that is the option they go with. Declining to go with
something easy, like bringing in more qualified help, leaving out fresh meat
by the beast’s favorite cabin hangout, and finishing him off when he
arrived, the foursome decide to camp out in a trailer in the middle of the
woods.
Unfortunately
for them and convenient for the snowbeast, they park just within range of
a huge perfectly stacked pile of logs. The more intelligent than given credit
for beast sends the logs into the trailer and the opportunity for a true hero
to emerge is born.
Even though there are very few actual shots of the beast, this 1977 made for TV movie is still an entertaining diversion in the event your wiffle ball game is rained out. It is not, however, a likely candidate for repeat viewings.
Review
by The Diesel
 |
A nice update of the Spiders Gone Wild theme. While most spider movies concentrate on having hordes of spiders frighten, cocoon, and devour the populous, Spiders uniquely focuses on one spider at a time. A perky young university reporter, stud photographer, and a cranky computer genius are out looking for flying saucers at a secret government complex when they witness a space shuttle falling from the sky. Uninjured by the nearby crash, and remaining surprisingly calm, the curious young adults explore the wreckage before the MIB's arrived. They find a disturbingly, disfigured astronaut who looks like the Second Coming of Rocky Dennis. As if his day isn't already shot to hell, while pleading for a little TLC the dying astronaut is impregnated by a genetically altered spider. The spider, still burning from being poked and prodded in space, is determined to bring everyone down. The MIB's quickly show up, send Rocky to the infirmary, and torch the shuttle.
On the operating table, a spider the size of a toaster crawls out of the dead astronaut's mouth, kills the grave-shift surgeons, and rampages about the understaffed facility. After running from the spider(s) and the MIB's, the young adults slow down only to have the Computer Genius die soon after connecting the dots between spiders, the space shuttle, and his own virginity.
The spider(s) continue to grow at an alarming rate and are soon the size of dishwashing machines and just as strong. Eventually, a disillusioned MIB and the reporter hoof it back to the Daily News only to be met by the grizzled MIB who is determined to ruin their pity party. During their open and honest discussion, the grizzled MIB painfully rips out of the last suit he'll ever wear and transforms into a 5'10", slightly balding, enjoys romantic dinners, man-spider. Within moments, he is 20 refrigerators high and carelessly destroying the university campus and handicapped parking. The giant spider goes straight for the local skyscraper and enjoys some "me" time while taking in the million-dollar view. Although informed "There's nothing to see here…", the lusty reporter shows off her RPG skills and blasts the misunderstood man-spider while hanging from a helicopter.
This is a poor-man's Alien, with some nice arachnid fight scenes, including claws through chest, and lots of obligatory web. The young reporter also has a nice scene in which she is flailing in knee deep water wearing a wife beater, modestly rewarding those that are nimble with the pause button.
Review
by Sandman
 |
Interesting Kung Fu moves. Somewhat unrealistic. Best scene of the movie was when Kung Fu fighter gets arm broken by TNT Jackson. Enjoyed Asian setting. There was a rather greasy looking fellow who beckoned whenever TNT needed help.
Additional comments on TNT Jackson by White
Russian:
The part of TNT Jackson was played in classic 70’s fashion by former
playmate Jeanne Bell. One of the more memorable scenes was the topless kung
fu fight between Jackson and a group of bad guys. The bad guys kept turning
the light on, while TNT would turn it off - as if to say she could see the
bad guys in the dark, but they could not see her because of her skin color.
It leaves me to wonder if the great historian, Chicago Cubs manager and black
skin expert, Dusty Baker, was consulted for
this scene. I can hear him now saying, “You can’t see black skin
in the dark, right?” This movie was judged good enough by the Senior
Council to be included in the BMTG Top Ten page as an Honorable Mention.
Review
by White Russian
 |
Angry roller-ball movie featuring Miss November of 1969, Claudia Jennings, who plays Avengers star Karen Walker. Karen starts out as an angry cannery worker where she is subject to daily groping in front of her co-workers. Finally fed up, Karen quits in style with the final touch being a smearing of cat food in the face of the cannery boss. Moving on to bigger and better things, Karen is one of the few skaters able to impress the roller derby owners at a local tryout and her star is soon on the rise. Karen finds that everyone on her team seems to be just as angry as she is and she thrives in her new surroundings. Quickly threatened by the new girl, current number one star Mickey leads the way in disrobing Karen at a local pool hall and the fun really begins when topless Karen verbally beats down everyone in the room. Falling into an on-again, off-again romance with the patriotic puffy-shirt wearing Nick, Karen continues to battle with Mickey, eventually becoming the new number one star. Nick is somehow involved with the team, though it is not clear in what capacity as he suits up but rarely skates for the mostly female Avengers team.
Fame follows, with TV commercials, a tricked-out Dodge Charger complete with massive hood ornament set in the middle of the hood, and a forearm tattoo at a place that has a sign saying, “Tattoos while you wait.” No amount of stardom, however, can kill the anger burning inside the young Avenger as anything anyone says or does is met with her customary verbal beat-down.
There are fights aplenty on and off the derby ring. Mickey ends up in the hospital, while Karen gets beat up in the parking lot by her own teammates, who use whatever is handy to administer the beating, including the antenna from Karen’s very own tricked-out car.
The
roller derby league turns out to be a two-team league with the Avengers and
Demons battling it out every time. The announcers point out early in the film
that the current match-up is the sixth match in a row between the two teams.
Despite the single location for games, the Avengers still find a need to use
their team bus to go on the road. The fans, all of whom appear to have season
tickets and somehow manage to sit in multiple locations from play to play
during the games, don’t seem to care as long as there is plenty of fighting
and plenty of popcorn. During Karen’s rise to the top, Mickey, who resembles
a clean shaven Johnny Damon, gets traded to the Demons, but it doesn’t
seem to matter which team anyone is on, as players beat each other up regardless
of who they skate for. Karen’s problem, besides her unrelenting anger,
is that she is not a team player and fails to follow the wrestling-style script.
Eventually a new number one star comes along to take over and Karen goes on
a final angry rampage.
There are many colorful supporting characters that make this film complete, including the elderly drunk team doctor, who prefers to use only his hands when examining new recruits. There is a grumpy old janitor, who seems to have many jobs, ranging from cleaning up before and after the games to guarding the run-down arena. His day is so full that he ends up sitting on the front steps of the arena during his off-hours just waiting for the next day to begin. The Avengers team manager is a loud, Shelly Winters type, who rattles off dirty jokes that mainly she laughs at between pep talks designed to break the spirit of her own team.
Set in the hometown of the Ukraine Brothers, San Diego, The Unholy Rollers is a cinematic delight. Karen is clearly the inspiration for Heather Graham’s portrayal of Rollergirl in Boogie Nights, without the anger. Martin Scorcese got credit as the supervising editor, and it is arguably among his finest work.
White Shadow (Coolidge wants to go pro)
Review
by The Diesel
Coolidge had some life changing decisions to make about his transition from High School to College/NBA star. While LeBron might be rolling in a hummer, Coolidge got a ride from a foxy B-Ball fan and then I fell asleep. The Ukraine Brothers told me he worked it out and he had made the right decision. The Bill Walton comparison to Coolidge is well worth the cost of getting to see this one.
Review
by White Russian
Starring
Bela Lugosi, White Zombie was perhaps the first zombie movie ever made, coming
36 years before George Romero made zombies famous. Before Night of the Living
Dead tarnished the reputations of zombies with its all they do is eat brains
portrayal, zombies were actually considered as an alternative to cheap labor.
In fact, disguised as a horror movie, White Zombie was really just a study
in the pros and cons of using zombies for slave labor (see below for a list
of arguments for and against).
The
film starts out with a couple inexplicably traveling all the way to the most
remote area in Haiti to get married at a rich man’s plantation. Apparently
no family members were invited and the sense is that the couple just wanted
to get really far away.
Being
the only girl on the island, the bride to be quickly becomes a target. After
marketing his zombie slaves as being suitable to work in the sugar mill as
well as on the plantation, the local zombie slave lord and the plantation
owner make a gentleman’s bet on whether or not the plantation owner
can win over the girl and get her to fall out of love with her fiancé.
To make things easier, and significantly lessen his own chances of winning
the bet, the slave lord gives the plantation owner some of his special zombie
powder. The powder is free, because, like any good powder dealer knows, that
is all it takes to get the plantation owner hooked and therefore coming back
for more.
Once the wedding plans are ruined, the zombie slave lord shows off his candle carving skills, and the girl becomes the full time piano player, the film loses its momentum and eventually its audience, proving the point again that most zombie movies are generally better served by being movie shorts.
Arguments For and Against Using Zombies as Slaves
Pros
They don’t complain
They are always on time
They have good posture
They can work 24-7
They do not get involved in office politics/gossip
They do not have to be paidCons
They are extremely slow
It’s hard to tell if they understand your instructions
They are not suitable for the company wiffle team
They desperately need a wash
They ignore emergencies/problems that inevitably come up**When a fellow zombie fell into the giant vat at the sugar mill, they just carried on as if nothing had happened. One is left with the understanding that the sugar that comes out of this mill has a certain percentage of zombie in it, which would explain the abnormally high fiber content on the label’s nutritional information.
Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon
Review
by White Russian
The
only way to get the BMTG to view the family classic Wizard of Oz is to tell
them that it is synched up to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. While the
band may deny any connection between the movie and the album, there are striking
moments that cause any rational mind to question the band's claim. Each one
taken by itself could be considered a coincidence, but taken as a whole, there
are just too many well timed "synchronicities." The most notable
are the fact that the length of the first side of the album is exactly the
length of the black and white portion of the movie, and the end of the album
plays a beating heart at the exact moment Dorothy is listening to the Tinman's
chest. Equally striking is how the lyric "Black black" plays as
the Wicked Witch is shown, followed immediately by "And blue blue blue"
as Dorothy is shown in her blue dress. Then add in that the song "The
Great Gig in the Sky" is perfectly timed to the tornado, and the song
only calms down when Dorothy is knocked out. Just those four perfect "coincidences"
are enough to convince a majority of BMTG members that what has happened can
not possibly be pure coincidence.
There are many other moments in the film that seem to have a connection with what is playing on the album, although some of those can be considered a stretch in trying to force a connection. But taken together, they provide compelling supporting evidence that can not just be attributed to the futile grasping at anything by the hopelessly stoned masses.
Did the band smoke some grass, write some cool songs, smoke a little more grass, listen to their creation, smoke a lot more grass, then decide to match up the music to the classic movie? Perhaps they meant to do it right from the start? They are probably going to keep their mouths shut on this one, but the evidence speaks for itself. Only Johnny Cochran could overcome that mountain of evidence.
"Coincidences" to Consider:
Other "coincidences" not noted at the time of viewing:
Review
by The Diesel
 |
Zed (Sean Connery) is an Exterminator. Exterminator’s are ordered by their god, Zardoz, to “kill the Brutals” and are regularly reminded, to their dismay, that “The penis is evil, the penis shoots seeds.” The Brutals are small packs of men who dress like John Cusak, congregate on beaches, and run in tight packs when frightened. The Exterminators’ preferred method of killing the Brutals is by shooting them with pistols that never need reloading while chasing them down on horseback. While not queer, the Exterminators often wear a huge mask, a small red loincloth, and high leather boots when hunting for Brutals.
After
Zed’s job is reclassified from Exterminator to Farmer, Zed becomes despondent.
After an unproductive meeting with his union steward, Zed hops into the next
departing Zardoz head and floats off to Paradise. The inhabitants of Paradise
could easily destroy Zed, but they decide to study him because he is easily
agitated, has George Foster quality sideburns, and sports a constant erection.
On the rare occasions that Zed speaks he says such things as, “I've
seen men rape a blind crippled woman in a wet ditch,” which only serve
to make him even more fascinating. After getting himself an outfit more appropriate
for Paradise, Zed starts planting his love seeds into the local ladies, except
for one apathetic who Zed angrily tosses across the room after she doesn’t
respond to one of his passionate gropings. One of the locals of Paradise,
known as Friend, sounds like a poor man’s Jimmy Stewart, but later finds
himself dead while making wisecracks.
Eventually, Zed thinks it would be fun to round up the old crew, so he invites his Exterminator buddies to Paradise. Zed’s fellow Exterminators quickly take charge and start killing all of the inhabitants, most of them pleading to be killed, as they have already lived for hundreds of years.
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