A look at what members of the BMTG are saying on a variety of topics...
the questions | the famous 10 questions | the preferences | the lists | BMTG Thoughts On...
BMTG Thoughts On...
Brett Fawv-ruh
Bud Selig
Roger "Pig" Clemens
Dan Fogelberg
Clinton Portis
December
13, 2007
White Russian
Roger “Pig” Clemens should have as big an asterisk next to his
stats as Barry Bonds…
Sandman
I wasn’t shocked to hear about RC cheating. He’s a loser, as is
Pettite.
Albuquerque Tom
I guess I should tell you all that just prior to our wiffle game in Colorado
Springs I drank six Mountain Dews and had three glazed donuts.
Though my performance that day does not reflect the performance enhancing
effect that downing those items was intended to have, I still won't blame
you if you put an asterisk by my name next to that day's stats.
I apologize for deceiving you all, I just wanted to win.
White Russian
BMTG Wiffle has never banned any substances. Each player is expected to analyze
the potential health effects any given substance will have on himself, therefore
your stats and your Rookie of the Year award remained untainted by your caffeine
and sugar binge. Your efforts in finding new and creative ways to enhance
your own performance are to be commended and shall be looked upon as an example
to others.
Just
playing in the states of Colorado and Wyoming is a recipe for dramatically
altering stats, as the playing conditions in those two states are not kind
to the sport of wiffle. The word “hellacious” has frequently been
used to describe the entire state of Wyoming in regards to its wiffle field
offerings. There are unsubstantiated tales that in Colorado home runs can
travel 469% farther than when playing at sea level. Even though that number
is obviously exaggerated, the tall tales are based upon a grain of truth…
Diesel
You can't even drink a shot glass of mountain dew without needing a toilet.
I doubt very much that you guzzled six cans worth unless you had a catheter
that ran down your leg, into your oversized boots, and then shot your waste
through a blowhole.
Good to hear that you're alive as I had assumed you were killed or at least
injured in one of the church killings in Colorado. I guess I should stop waiting
for my "Tom wanted you to have these" box to arrive in the mail.
Albuquerque Tom
Last time I think you said "stool" when referring to crap...this
time you mention a catheter and "waste."
I
think you have spent enough time hanging out at the nursing home, it's time
to return to some friends your own age even if they don't lavish upon you
endless toothless grins and strange smells. Your vocabulary is turning very
Mickey Rooney. I picture you with oozing red eyes and flaps of skin on your
face when you talk like that. Not that it's bad...
By the way, I guess I should admit that I have had a catheter permanently
attached just prior to the wiffle game so you are dead on. It's laser surgery
now, relatively painless and makes long drives a breeze. The bag is a one
gallon backpack and just looks like a grotesque lump under my shirt. I'm surprised
you all didn't have the "what's-that-grotesque-jiggling-lump-on-Thomas'-back"
conversation after leaving.
I will include the catheter and bag in my 'Tom wanted you to have this' box
for when I finally am gunned down.
And now that I know that performance enhancement is encouraged by the BMTG
I will begin experimenting again with my new formula which will give me the
strength and nimbleness of a goblin combined with the overpowering smell of
a ferret.
One of you accidentally drank the last batch when you visited.
 |
| Selig's Tarnished Legacy (4/12/05) |
Diesel
Banning substances requires too much paperwork and handling of urine. We tried it a few years back but the urine vials kept tipping over in Brother Nature's car. Clemen's will deny it. I watched some of Selig's conference and he was saying, much like McGwire, lets not worry about the past. I wonder if Selig was interviewed by Mitchell. I suspect not because if he said what he knew and when with any honesty he would have been indicted for perjury before Congress when he lied to them about not having a clue a few years back. Selig patted himself on the back several times "I commissioned the report despite others telling me not to". When they asked the president of baseball, who Selig said was against it, he said that Selig's statement was the wrong wording and seem a little pissed that Selig hung him out to dry. Selig is lying again as he was the one who didn't want this done. Also the players identified are from a few select teams (Yankee, A"s, Mets...) and if extrapolated over the entire league another 500 players would have been identified. Selig is saying that they will handle each issue and a case by case basis. Very little will be done as the union will block it due to being second or third hand statements. Selig knows that so he is just talking tough so he can later say "The union blocked me from doing anything". MLB needs a commish like the guy in the NFL who is solid and gets the right things done. Selig is acting like he single handedly cured cancer despite everyone's opposition when in fact he's the primary carrier.
White Russian
I heard some of Selig’s statement on the radio – he sounded pretty
bad with all of his sniffling and other assorted sounds that happen when you
have a cold amplified through a microphone. The testimony in the report makes
Clemens look really bad, with the strength trainer specifying times when he
actually injected Clemens in the buttocks with steroids supplied by Clemens
himself. With Clemens it wasn’t a one-time suspicion – he started
in Toronto and continued in New York, which explains his resurgence after
the Sox got rid of him. The Sox didn’t want him because he was “in
the twilight of his career”, which in retrospect was probably true had
it not been for the roids. After the Black Sox scandal way back baseball got
a commissioner who was independent of baseball and therefore did not have
ties to either the owners’ or the players’ side. When baseball
owners got rid of Vincent and appointed one of their own, they weakened the
office of the commissioner and made everything done by that office suspect.
On top of that the owner they chose to be commissioner turned out to be a
buffoon…
Diesel
I think I would have rather heard the grotesque splurts and splats of Selig
gurgling into the microphone than to watch his frumpy cavernous face with
a permanent "why me" look of bewilderment. The interview Costas
did with him last year when he denied steroid knowledge until 2003 was telling.
When Costas pointed out that he spoke of it in 1996 and that an LA Times article
was written on steroids in 1995 Selig said he didn't know of those articles,
despite them being in the biggest markets and directly undermining the integrity
of the game. Selig refused at that time to talk about the past. This past
season was probably the first that Clemens did without roids and he got rocked
despite doing so incredibly well the previous 2 seasons. Interesting how no
current studs were implicated as all the players identified wouldn't be first
rounders in any fantasy draft.
December 17, 2007
White Russian
Clemens was scheduled to speak at the Texas High School Baseball Coaches Association
convention next month, but it looks like he will probably be removed. A final
decision has not been made, but Clemens has already been removed from their
website. His speech topic: “My Vigorous Workout – How I Played
So Long”.
Since Clemens probably won’t be able to deliver his speech, I suggest
that Sandman (the BMTG’s Official Impressionist) do a speech at this
Friday’s festival where he does an impression of Clemens doing his “vigorous
workout” speech. It is expected that the speech will explain how his
steroid use contributed to his lengthy career and resurgence after the left
the Sox…
Diesel
I will play the role of Bud Selig.
December 18, 2007
Albuquerque Tom
I will play the role of the trainer injecting the steroids into his buttocks.
December
19, 2007
Diesel
I want to play another role as well. I would like to be the wide eyed rookie
who is torn apart by seeing his Tom shoot steroids into the buttocks of his
idol. The rookie....Is Kody Clemens!!!!!! I will need to wear a toupee unless
Kody is 90% bald and out of shape.
White Russian
Future Kody is 90% bald and out of shape, so you can be Future Kody Clemens
having a flashback to the day that changed his life. Was this the day he followed
his father to the dark side and vowed to make it in the game no matter what
the cost? Or is it the day he disowned his father and pursued his life-long
dream of being a flight attendant?